Print This Out and Wipe Your Ass With It

A short while ago my mother, the resident toilet paper buyer of the household, wasn’t home for a few days because she was taking care of my grandpa over at his place. Also my step father, the second in command when it comes to toilet paper buying responsibility, wasn’t home from work, and wouldn’t be for a good six hours, and this was bad news because the household was having a crisis tantamount in every single way possible to the Cuban Missile Crisis, and I was in the roll of Sir John F. Kennedy (he wasn’t knighted imbecile) oh, well common mistake I’m sure everyone makes. The crisis my household was undertaken in was of not having a single sheet of unused toilet paper. As the current Sir John F. Kennedy of the household (what did I just tell you) sorry, as the current John F. Kennedy of the household it was my job to supply my abode with enough toilet paper to last until my mother got back from my grandpa’s in a few days. So I did what Sir John F. Kennedy would have done (I give up) I bombed Russia. Or at least the metaphorical equivalent: i.e. I went to the store and bought some toilet paper.

At the store there were far too many choices to choose from for me to have chose properly – take that dick from my English class who said I couldn’t possibly use three forms of the word choice in one sentence (there was no dick from English class, was there?) it’s not beyond complete belief. There was single roll, double roll, quadruple roll, sextuple triple axle rolls, rolls so big you could TP the statue of Liberty with them, and microscopic rolls made specifically for those fine folks with tiny asshole syndrome. But we’re talking about toilet paper, not penises, so size wasn’t the only thing that mattered. There was also fabric quality to take into consideration. They had ‘soft as a baby’s bottom,’ which by the way, does anybody else think it’s creepy to wipe their ass with something that reminds them of a baby’s butt? They also had soft as a tissue – so why don’t I just wipe my ass with tissues? – soft as cotton, soft as clouds, which I find hard to believe, soft as a pillow, so soft you’ll use it as a pillow, soft as whipped cream, and then oddly the sand paper aisle started.

The choice was difficult, but I went with 12 double rolls of soft with a hint of firmness like a creepy uncle’s hug. I was more than confident that 12 double rolls would more than last the four people in the house until my mother got back. I was wrong by a long shot. The 12 rolls lasted just two days, after which I had a funeral in the backyard for their all too short lifespan. They never stood a chance going up against the anuses of my family. Like almost everything in life, thinking about how fast my family went through the 12 rolls got me annoyed. For one thing I was annoyed because I only used half a roll, if that, so that means the other three people in the house for those two days used 11 and a half rolls. And then I was also annoyed at the fact that toilet paper cost money, and if my family went through 12 rolls in two days, and that’s not including my mother, then that means my family goes through 2,190 rolls of toiler paper in a year. I’m willing to bet that’s more rolls than half the countries in Africa use combined. And I’m also willing to bet the money we spend on toilet paper is more than half the countries in Africa’s GDP combined.

I don’t know how my family goes about wiping their ass, but I think it’s without doubt that they need to become more efficient. They should learn from me. I tear off one single sheet of toilet paper, rip it in half, blow my nose with it, throw it in the garbage, and then pull up my pants. Oddly enough no wiping of my ass actually takes place. I figure poop is a natural part of my body so it can’t be too harmful to have some excess excrement on my tushie. Sure it makes me smell weird, but I hear girls are attracted to the scent of a man (pheromones, not shit). But in all honesty, perhaps too much honesty, I was just on the toilet thinking about writing this and I decided to count how many sheets of toilet paper I use to wipe my glorious hole, as I call it. It took 12 sheets for me to get a thorough wiping. That means no brown whatsoever on the last sheet used. I even checked with a magnifying glass.

I don’t know how people use so much toilet paper. Do some people’s asses really get that messy while taking a crap? Maybe I’m in the wrong. Maybe using that much toilet paper is normal. Maybe my crap is naturally cleaner than other people’s poo due to the fact that I drink four cups of Pine-Sol every day. Do people still use Pine-Sol, or should I have made a better reference? People know Oxiclean, but then it makes them think of Billy Mays and he’s dead and that’s not too happy a thought, (whereas reading a blog about toilet paper and pooping is wonderful).

I’ve always felt the biggest advantage of not being a homosexual is that I don’t have to clean my ass super thoroughly. I feel if I was gay and I was the ‘bottom’, as the kids are calling it, after pooping I would have to not only wipe my ass with half a dozen rolls of toilet paper, but also take a stick, wrap a rag around it, soak the rag in bleach, and then insert said bleached rag on a stick into my glorious hole.


About Danniel
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One Response to Print This Out and Wipe Your Ass With It

  1. lianamerlo says:

    Now you know for the future, if your parents are planning to come home soon, don’t bother buying toilet paper. Just use tissues or napkins.
    Your family members are definitely gluttons for TP. 12 in 2 days is obscene! Maybe you should suggest Small Steps or Seventh Generation, sounds like they’re killing forests.

    I liked the part about tiny asshole syndrome.

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