There seems to be a positive (yet ironically negative in a different sense) correlation with my age and how easy it is to annoy me. Each year that passes it seems like people chew their gum louder and louder. I’m sitting in class trying to learn how to factor out a fraction and how the fuck learning it is going to help me become assistant manager at McDonalds – my dream job – but all I can think about is the stupid kid in the corner who seems to have made it his goal to get in the Guinness book of world records by breaking the sound barrier (you do realize the sound barrier isn’t actually broken by making loud sounds, but rather by traveling faster than the speed of sound?) I realize that now, which is why I meant that the kid was chewing his gum not only loudly, but so fast that it broke the sound barrier (good recovery) it’s what I do best.
The other day in History class I reached the point where I wanted to smack a ho, whatever that means. I was sitting in class listening to the teacher who I now think teaches history more enthusiastically that any college professor ever, when I glanced over at this girl sitting near me and noticed she was playing solitaire. First of all I was extremely annoyed because she was blatantly playing it right where the teacher could see her. She was in the front of the class for God’s sake. The audacity of this girl was astonishing. The teacher is right in front of her telling a thrilling story about Theodore Roosevelt knocking out a gunslinger with two punches and this bitch is basically slapping him in the face with a smelly cock. Not the best analogy but it’s the best I could do. I can’t imagine what was going through the teacher’s mind when he was telling the story and seeing a student playing solitaire instead of giving her full attention and learning about her own country’s history. I imagine it went something like this:
“Oh my God, this stupid bitch is playing solitaire and basically slapping me in the face with her cock rather than listen to my awe inspiring Theodore Roosevelt story. When I get home I’ve got the perfect bullet to introduce to my brain.”
See, that stupid girl caused that poor teacher to commit suicide, hypothetically I mean. But that wasn’t the worst of it. After she was done playing her first game of solitaire, which she of course lost because she’s a dolt, she starting playing again, but of course if you’re starting a new game you must first shuffle the cards, but surely she wouldn’t do that during the class while the teacher is talking. Wrong! She shuffled the cards. Not once, not twice, but three times, per game, and she played about five games. And after she was done she shuffled the cards some more, for no apparent reason other than to annoy me. I kept looking around the classroom but no one seemed to be put off by the shuffling. And that was even more annoying. The fact that no one else appeared to be annoyed made me more annoyed almost to the point of insanity. I don’t like confrontational situations, whether they directly involve me or not, but I was praying to the God I don’t believe in that the teacher would tell the bitch to shut up, but it didn’t happen. It’s times like those that I wish I was emotionally unstable, I mean more so then I already am, so I could get up take the cards out of her hands, attempt to rip them up but fail, throw them up in the air, yell at the bitch to respect the teacher and the class, and sit back down calmly telling the teacher to continue teaching unimpeded and pretend as if nothing had happened. But no, instead I just sat there and saved up all my annoyance until I got home so I could write about it in my blog.
The thing that made it so annoying is that she wasn’t being respectful to the teacher and the students. The noise didn’t bother me too much. I mean it of course distracted me and was annoying but stuff like that doesn’t anger me. I’m the type of guy who can, and has, read a book during a party with a drunk person coming up to me every five minutes asking me if I’m a nerd. I just hate when people aren’t respectful. And yes, I do realize calling this girl a bitch probably isn’t respectful but for one she’s not going to read this so it won’t do her any harm, and secondly I feel the more apt cunt isn’t a word I’d like to use in one of my blogs. People pay to go to college, and I’m of the belief that generally most of them don’t care to learn but rather just want a degree, but some actually would like to learn so the fact that a person makes it more difficult for a room full of students to pay attention, and harder for a teacher who is one of a few very good teachers to teach, really pisses me off.
In the same class a few weeks previous these two girls were sitting in the back of the class watching a movie or something on their laptop. The whole class could hear. I don’t know if they thought they were invisible, or that the sound was so low that only their super sensitive ears could hear, but either way these dumb asses had it in their mind that what they were doing wasn’t bothering anyone, at least that’s what I hope they were thinking. Because if they knew what they were doing was bothersome and just didn’t care I would like nothing more than an anvil to fall on their heads and then have a cartoonish mountain like bump spring forth and then I would like the word dunce to be tattooed in scarlet letters on it, so at least everybody will know what they’re getting into before starting a conversation with these societal scum.
I’m a grumpy old man damn it. But in a selfish way I am grateful for all these hindrances because they help distract me from all the depressing things I think about during the day.