Caution: Writing may be severely depressing with a slight undertone of upliftedness (yes, that’s a word now)
I woke up today completely apathetic to everything the world as to offer, which apparently isn’t that much (vintage ravings from a man who should be clinically depressed) keyword: should be (that’s two words) I’ll edit it in post – I know many of you hate when I talk to myself in my writing, but honestly I don’t do it for humor, at least I don’t think so, but I started doing it because when I write I want it to be me and when I write these thoughts will come in my head, often critically in a humorous way at least to me, so I started writing them in parenthesis’s, I don’t know why, I guess I liked it partly because I found it humorous but I think mostly because writing gets my thoughts out but writing with an occasional ‘second being’ really gets my thoughts out, mostly my thoughts on my own thoughts, and I just like it because I feel like two people sometimes, albeit two people not much different from each other, but I’d like my writing to be me so it would be extremely hard to stop with the second self speaking in parenthesis’s, so it’s staying, sorry Chris.
I woke up with the same feeling I’ve had many times in the past. Basically like there’s no point to anything and I’m not doing anything in my life and that I can’t figure out for the life of me how I’m supposed to do something with my life. School has become so fucking meaningless in my life right now, which for the most part was always how I’ve felt about being in community college, and even if I transferred I think I’d feel that way about real college as well – as I’ve said I’ve for the most part always felt unmotivated towards college but I think it’s pretty ironic that today I woke up with an extreme hatred towards school and found out that last term I made the honor’s list at PCC last term (GPA between 3.25 and 3.49) but don’t get too excited, the honor’s list at PCC is the equivalent of being on academic probation at a State school (perhaps constantly making fun of school only adds to your hatred of school) perhaps, but being able to make fun of community college is just about the only thing keeping me going at this point. Okay, so that’s not one hundred percent true, in fact it’s less close to one hundred in its truthfulness than it is to the grade on one of my Spanish test freshmen year in high school (half a percent). I find it hilarious because I’m pretty sure the only person who scored lower than me on that test was Chris who got like one fourth of a percent but now he’s at Portland State successfully taking his third or somesuch term of Spanish. Screw Chesley Sullenberger, landing a plane in the Hudson river is nothing, as far as I’m concerned Chris’s strides in Spanish was the feel good story of the year.
I’ve made strides in community college, there’s no doubt about that. Getting a 3.3 last term is considerably better than my first term where I was taking one writing class and dropped out after seven weeks. I should feel good about that, and honestly it’s a little bit annoying. At times it feels okay to be doing so well in the land of retards (nice, you simultaneously made fun of community college students who for the most part are trying to make better of their lives, and mentally challenged people who for the most part don’t have the ability to make better of their lives by their selves) but those short stints of feeling mildly content with my community college status don’t last long because I don’t know where the fuck it’s leading. At this point I have no idea whether I’ll make it to a real university or not. Sometimes I think yes and other times it seems impossible, so that evens out to about 50%, right? There are very few things I want a degree in. And last time I checked the only way to legally do mammograms is by becoming a doctor, which seems appealing until you realize it’s nowhere near as funny as Scrubs (in the early days) and there’s not nearly as much sex as Grey’s Anatomy. But the only thing pretty much keeping me in college is my desire to learn and working my way towards becoming the smartest man in the universe. It’s an impossible goal I know but as is my new motto, “God damn it I’m going to try.”
I’m done talking about school. School plays very little in my pseudo-depression other than it takes up my time when I could be doing other things I’d rather be doing that would make me happier, such as actually working on a comic routine so I could finally go to an open mic, get too nervous, piss my pants, and then take back alleys all the way home, but hey I least it’d be more than I’m doing now, and it’s all about taking steps. Some classes I don’t mind as much. I like learning a lot so while studying for my history tests is very stressful I’m learning stuff that’s somewhat interesting so I don’t feel like it’s a waste of time. While math will play no fucking role in my life but somehow it’s become the most time consuming fucking school work this term. It fucking pisses me off (I personally love how you said you were done talking about school yet it appears that you’re still talking about school). I’m not going to quit school, no matter how much I think it could help. I think school is good for me and I think school is bad for me but frankly I don’t have much choice at the moment. I can pass my writing class this term and I’m pretty more than sure I can pass my History class and I did better than I thought on my math test so I might be able to pull out a C in that class. So if I can do that, then cry my way through spring break, and then somehow make it through spring term, I feel like summer could be refreshing, of course mixed in with a dose of depression, but good enough to get my mind in a better place.
I need more friends. This is by all means at least only a minor disrespect to the friends I currently have. I’m kidding, I mean no disrespect to them at all, but that of course doesn’t mean there won’t be no disrespect deeply seeded in what I’m about to say. Chris, David, Quy, Ha and what the hell even Thai Son, fuck you all! That’s a joke for Christ’s sake. God you guys can’t take a joke. The joke is that I said there might be some deeply seeded disrespect in what I was about to say and then I blatantly said ‘fuck you’ which is very bluntly disrespectful. Okay, now that you guys get the joke let’s get to the deeply seeded disrespect. I like my friends very much, I’d only trade them for a very few things in this world, one of the things would be better friends, but don’t hold that against them. They’re a busy bunch. They of course have their own struggles, and I’m not going to waste time and make jokes about David having a coke issue, or Chris accidentally impregnating two girls both of whom he loves dearly, or Quy having gender issues, and I won’t joke about those things because there is absolutely no comedy in those things, they’re very true and serious. I’m kidding of course. I’m trying to be serious though. They have school and Chris has women, yes I said women as in multiple woman, and they’re dealing with their own demons so we can’t hang out nearly as much as I would like to. Anyway the point that I’m taking way too long to make is that I don’t do anything at all. Aside from school, and the library and Walgreens for the occasional snack, I’ve only been out of the house once so far this year. The majority of my socializing comes from browsing internet chatrooms and watching people argue about the smallest of things – no not my penis – while the guys are hitting on every supposed girl apparently with the aspirations of having sex with a girl thousands of miles away from them while the girls call them perverts but then apparently I’ve come to find out that they’re just as horny as all the guys. Everybody is horny! What the fuck is going on in this world? Everywhere I go, whether it be in the real world or on the internet, everybody is horny, but the thing that bugs me is everyone is trying to hide it. Would everybody just bone each other already so I can be the only virgin left and die happily, and by happily I mean depressed and alone. And no don’t go reading into this thinking part of my being depressed is rooted in being a virgin, because that’s a lie, a lie I tell you! Part of my being depressed is not being able to be with the person I want to be with hence not being able to have sex with her so every God damn time I hear people talk about sex it just reminds me about me not being able to have sex with her which just reminds me that I’m not able to be with her with depresses me severely so I figure if everyone was out having sex and nowhere near me talking about it I’d be able to get some fucking sleep at night. I’ve been sleeping terribly as of late!
I’m writing this for multiple reasons. I woke up like shit today and I didn’t want to feel like shit the whole day because it’d be great, fan-fucking-tastic, if I could get some work done, any-fucking-thing done, and writing puts me in a better mood, albeit it may seem like an angry mood, but what’s better being angry or being depressed? The answer doesn’t matter, no matter what I’m still going to be somewhat depressed, it’s just a matter of if I can live with it or if I’m going to lie in my bed all damn day thinking ‘woe is me’. One of the main reasons of my New Years resolution of posting a blog everyday – which I failed, oh the sweet comfort of failure more soothing than any security blanket ever could be – was that writing makes me feel better, so I figured if I did it every day at least I’d feel somewhat okay during the point of the day when I was writing. And you know what, it actually worked in that aspect. Writing keeps me from going insane. The only problem was that I was writing so much crap, and I don’t mean ‘so much crap’ as in I was writing a lot, I mean it as in everything I was writing was crap, it was having a negative effect on my self-esteem. I take pride in few things, hell by the way I write about myself to you it must seem like I take pride in nothing, but I do take pride in a select few things. I played sports my entire life and I was never good and I didn’t care too much. I cared about trying and for the most part I tried hard. But what I really take pride in is being funny, or at least trying, and being interesting. My writing was neither funny nor interesting but rather a pile of crap with a slight negative effect on this world and an even bigger negative effect on me. I had to stop churning out shit every day otherwise I would have gave up all hope on ever doing what I want to do, which some people may think is a good thing because that way maybe I could be more practical and actually work towards doing something I could actually do. But what I’ve tried to explain but I think failed at was that part of the reason I want to do what I want to do is because it makes me happy. But also I want to do it because it’s the only thing that I have even a tiny semblance of motivation towards. So while it seems like it would be a lot more likely if I just decided to become an accountant or somesuch, in my brain it doesn’t work that way. I can barely do things I have motivation towards. I can’t do something if I have no motivation towards it no matter how practical it may seem. And for God’s damn sake I have one life, one fucking life and then I’m dead forever and ever and nothing I ever did will matter to me because I’ll be dead and completely void of all self-introspect. I’m young, far too young to know anything, but old enough to start realizing a few things, mostly about myself which is nice because I’ve been trying to hide myself from me for most of my life, but I’m starting to get me. I’ve spent at least 90% of my life not trying. And that may be generous to myself because I’m trying to think of all the times I’ve really tried in my life and I can’t really think of much. But when I think of all the times I haven’t tried my brain malfunctions. Too much information, can’t compute it all at once. I’m sick and fucking tired of not trying.
So here’s what I’m going to do. Here’s what I’m going to try and do. I’m going to finish writing this. Then I’m going to buy a really cheap DVD player online. And then I might buy a John Swartzwelder book, and actually I’ll probably buy Craig Ferguson’s autobiography. Then I’m going to come back and read through this half heartedly looking for spelling mistakes, I’m sure I’ll miss a few, but mostly I’ll be trying to make sure it makes some sort of sense, and if it doesn’t I probably won’t care. Then I’m going to post this. Partly because I want everybody to read this and have pity on my soul (that’s only partly a joke), but mostly because I’m going to go ahead and label this Response # 3 to David, because I was going to respond to him about my depression but I think this covers some of it. Then I’m going to read that Simpsons book and probably finish it by today before Lost starts. I’ll watch Lost and afterwards I’ll start working on a comedy routine, or I might bust out the guitar and start working on something I’ll trying to do with that but probably won’t finish in time and it probably won’t matter either way. Then I’m going to sleep while watching something so it keeps my mind off all those terrible thoughts. I’m going to wake up tomorrow. I probably won’t work out but I might because it’s supposed to be good for the brain and also it motivates me to shower everyday which I admittedly don’t do. Then I’m going to try and do some math homework, but not all at once. I’m going to go back and forth between doing math homework and whatever the fuck else I’m working on, hopefully a comedy routine so I can someday at least attempt stand-up. Then I’m going to study for my History test. Then I’m going to sleep while watching something to keep my mind off all those terrible thoughts. Then I’m going to wake up and study a little more and go to school all day and come home and do some things.
Tangent: I just got a call from apparently a DirectTV salesrep and they always call my phone and I pick up and it’s always in Spanish so I just hang up but they called today and I’m not happy today so I picked up and they said their little speech in Spanish and I said, ‘do you speak English?’ and the guy resaid his little speech but in English and so I then immediately said, ‘Stop fucking calling me and take my God damn number off the fucking phone list right now.’ And you know what, the guy was really nice about everything. He took my number off the list, at least so he says, and he apologized for the inconvenience and I felt really bad so I apologized and told him I was having a bad week and he said it was fine and I don’t know why I’m writing about it right now but I am. But anyway…
And I’ll go to school when I have to go to school and I’ll try to keep up with my homework and I’ll spend my free days working on comedy and I’ll watch DVDs all day to distract me from thoughts and I’ll sleep when I get really tired to the point where I can’t stay up any longer that way I spend as little time as possible trying to get to sleep and I’ll just try hard not to be sad and I’ll do the school thing and I’ll work towards the comedy thing and I probably won’t really ever be happy for at least a little while but I’m going to try and get those things that make me happy. And you know what, there’s a good chance, a real fucking great chance I’ll never get any of those things that will make me happy, but God damn it I’m going to try.