If you think you know me you probably don’t unless you’re one of five people. I said five semi-randomly but I’m going to go ahead and name those five people. I think Chris knows me. Of all my friends in the world I’ve always felt I was most like him. I think we’re going down separate paths but I really wanted to write a movie or TV show with him. I know he hates me at times and I know I deserve it, but… no, that’s the end of the sentence. I worry about me and Chris. I ain’t gay or nothin’ (that’s a joke only a few people would get) but losing his friendship would suck more than so many things, but not everything, but still a lot of things. I’ve had more laughs with Chris than with anymore, save my cousin Nick.
I’m not sure Nick really knows me. He might though. I’ve spent more time with him in my life than probably anyone other than my mother and possibly my siblings. I’ve had some nice talks with Nick. There’s no one I’d rather have a serious talk with than Nick, except maybe Dyana, she’s quite smart and always brings up interesting points, and no by that I don’t mean my penis, although I should have meant my penis, I’ll go back and fix that when I edit. Nicks a smart guy, and he has strong opinions, so it’s fun to talk with him. Some of my fondest memories at parties are when I’m talking to him about random shit that really doesn’t need to be talked about at parties. Fuck getting drunk and chasing skirts. I’d rather get drunk and talk about educational reform.
David definitely doesn’t know me. He still can’t figure out whether I’m really depressed or just joking. Although that may be my fault because I am very depressed but I always tell him I’m joking. But I know he doesn’t know me because when he did think I was really depressed he thought him and quy – who doesn’t know me at all – needed to do something about it. Had he really known me he would have known there’s absolutely nothing that could be done about it. I don’t blame him though. He’s so young and naive. He still thinks the pink ranger is real and that he has a chance with her. Which is crazy. Doesn’t he realize she’s mine? Nah, I don’t want her. There’s something very intimidating about a girl who can kick my ass. Which is sad because pretty much every girl can kick my ass.
Oddly enough I think Leighton knows me. I think it’s because I started talking to her at a time when I was really depressed. She was just some random girl who was really honest about herself so I decided that she would be the one that I talked to about Dyana, because I didn’t really talk that much about Dyana with anyone else and I felt I needed to. Leighton is very blunt. She told me I was stupid for talking to her about Dyana when I should be getting on a plane and flying to see her, her Dyana that is. She may have used the words ‘fucking idiot’ in place of stupid. Although on second thought maybe she doesn’t know the real me because she hasn’t really seen the funny and sweet side of me, assuming there is a sweet side of me.
If there’s one person that has seen all sides of me it’s Dyana. She’s seen the sweet side of me, probably to a fault. I can be quite sweet at times, it’s actually rather annoying. She’s seen the depressed side of me. Oh God that’s embarrassing. It sucks when I’m trying to be perfect and strong but I just can’t at all. I’m such a weak human being in so many ways. It’s quite embarrassing. She’s seen the funny side of me but I try to show that side to everybody, but with her I’ve always tried to blend it in with some sweetness. I’ve always wanted to give her that perfect combination of a laugh and smile. It’s an art form I haven’t quite mastered but God have I tried. I remember when I used to read her blogs and I would spend so much time trying to figure out the perfect thing to write as a comment. Something witty, but also sweet, but not too sweet as to come off creepy and nothing too witty as to come off pompous but something perfect, I don’t think I ever succeeded, but God damn did I try. I haven’t left her a great comment in a long time. I should. Out of everybody in the world I’m most honest with Dyana. I’m a pretty honest guy in general, but with her it’s weird because I don’t want her to know all my faults, because I have many and it scares me that she knows them, but at the same time I want her to know them because they don’t seem to bother her as much as I would think. She doesn’t seem to mind that I’m a loser who’s going nowhere in life. But then again I don’t think she believes me when I say that. She believes in me probably more than anyone, besides maybe my mom but my mom doesn’t have all the information on me. If my mom was aware I made dick jokes, and wanted to make dick jokes for a living – kind of sort of – she would disown me probably. People have called me funny before – liars! – and people have alluded to me being somewhat smart – bigger liars! – but when she says I’m funny, although she uses the word clever, and she says I’m smart, it makes me feel special, and that maybe it’s true. Whereas when everybody else says it they’re filthy liars who are just trying to get my hopes up so they can tear me down and laugh at my greatest of failures (seems a bit dramatic, but okay).
I love Dyana.