I don’t know what this is

If you think you know me you probably don’t unless you’re one of five people. I said five semi-randomly but I’m going to go ahead and name those five people. I think Chris knows me. Of all my friends in the world I’ve always felt I was most like him. I think we’re going down separate paths but I really wanted to write a movie or TV show with him. I know he hates me at times and I know I deserve it, but… no, that’s the end of the sentence. I worry about me and Chris. I ain’t gay or nothin’ (that’s a joke only a few people would get) but losing his friendship would suck more than so many things, but not everything, but still a lot of things. I’ve had more laughs with Chris than with anymore, save my cousin Nick.

I’m not sure Nick really knows me. He might though. I’ve spent more time with him in my life than probably anyone other than my mother and possibly my siblings. I’ve had some nice talks with Nick. There’s no one I’d rather have a serious talk with than Nick, except maybe Dyana, she’s quite smart and always brings up interesting points, and no by that I don’t mean my penis, although I should have meant my penis, I’ll go back and fix that when I edit. Nicks a smart guy, and he has strong opinions, so it’s fun to talk with him. Some of my fondest memories at parties are when I’m talking to him about random shit that really doesn’t need to be talked about at parties. Fuck getting drunk and chasing skirts. I’d rather get drunk and talk about educational reform.

David definitely doesn’t know me. He still can’t figure out whether I’m really depressed or just joking. Although that may be my fault because I am very depressed but I always tell him I’m joking. But I know he doesn’t know me because when he did think I was really depressed he thought him and quy – who doesn’t know me at all – needed to do something about it. Had he really known me he would have known there’s absolutely nothing that could be done about it. I don’t blame him though. He’s so young and naive. He still thinks the pink ranger is real and that he has a chance with her. Which is crazy. Doesn’t he realize she’s mine? Nah, I don’t want her. There’s something very intimidating about a girl who can kick my ass. Which is sad because pretty much every girl can kick my ass.

Oddly enough I think Leighton knows me. I think it’s because I started talking to her at a time when I was really depressed. She was just some random girl who was really honest about herself so I decided that she would be the one that I talked to about Dyana, because I didn’t really talk that much about Dyana with anyone else and I felt I needed to. Leighton is very blunt. She told me I was stupid for talking to her about Dyana when I should be getting on a plane and flying to see her, her Dyana that is. She may have used the words ‘fucking idiot’ in place of stupid. Although on second thought maybe she doesn’t know the real me because she hasn’t really seen the funny and sweet side of me, assuming there is a sweet side of me.

If there’s one person that has seen all sides of me it’s Dyana. She’s seen the sweet side of me, probably to a fault. I can be quite sweet at times, it’s actually rather annoying. She’s seen the depressed side of me. Oh God that’s embarrassing. It sucks when I’m trying to be perfect and strong but I just can’t at all. I’m such a weak human being in so many ways. It’s quite embarrassing. She’s seen the funny side of me but I try to show that side to everybody, but with her I’ve always tried to blend it in with some sweetness. I’ve always wanted to give her that perfect combination of a laugh and smile. It’s an art form I haven’t quite mastered but God have I tried. I remember when I used to read her blogs and I would spend so much time trying to figure out the perfect thing to write as a comment. Something witty, but also sweet, but not too sweet as to come off creepy and nothing too witty as to come off pompous but something perfect, I don’t think I ever succeeded, but God damn did I try. I haven’t left her a great comment in a long time. I should. Out of everybody in the world I’m most honest with Dyana. I’m a pretty honest guy in general, but with her it’s weird because I don’t want her to know all my faults, because I have many and it scares me that she knows them, but at the same time I want her to know them because they don’t seem to bother her as much as I would think. She doesn’t seem to mind that I’m a loser who’s going nowhere in life. But then again I don’t think she believes me when I say that. She believes in me probably more than anyone, besides maybe my mom but my mom doesn’t have all the information on me. If my mom was aware I made dick jokes, and wanted to make dick jokes for a living – kind of sort of – she would disown me probably. People have called me funny before – liars! – and people have alluded to me being somewhat smart – bigger liars! – but when she says I’m funny, although she uses the word clever, and she says I’m smart, it makes me feel special, and that maybe it’s true. Whereas when everybody else says it they’re filthy liars who are just trying to get my hopes up so they can tear me down and laugh at my greatest of failures (seems a bit dramatic, but okay).

I love Dyana.

Advertisements

About Danniel

http://closertoclarity.com/
This entry was posted in Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to I don’t know what this is

  1. izaakmak says:

    Damn it! I knew you belonged on my blogroll!

  2. Neofreed0m says:

    Don’t you think that whenever someone is depressed that they will say that nothing can be done about it? Doesn’t that just mean that if someone get rid of that “thing” that caused the depression that the person will feel better?

    I know sometimes that “thing” isn’t always easy to get rid of, but people can’t help if you don’t let them in.

    I glad that you found someone that you are willing to let in now. Hopefully you can open up like that to more people in the future.

    • Danniel says:

      was that last line a comment a shot at me being gay? I can’t ever be serious it turns out.

      I was in a fucked up mood when I wrote that ‘neofreedom’. I don’t expect you guys to get when I am or am not depressed but I do fuck with you guys a lot and say I’m not really that depressed about things when I’m even more depressed than you probably think. But it’s also true at other times I’m less depressed than you really think.

      I don’t know what I mean.

  3. TheBlueCrow says:

    Well, to lay down some things for the record since we never really talked about this formally:

    – Actually, David and I did not plan to do an intervention. I’ve been meaning to correct that a few times but didn’t want to dwell on it and ruin the occasion (End of New Year’s and other hangouts).
    – What happened is throughout the past few years when I noticed, or, perhaps more correctly, thought, you were feeling particularly down I would tell David that you’re depressed lately. To which, he would ask why do I think that and I would say look at his myspace blogs (this is before WordPress), so-and-so thread on the Board, or just whatever was going on in real life. David would say I’m wrong in thinking that and they’re only jokes. Over time, David would seem to get a little upset whenever I brought it up and shoot back, “Why don’t you do something about it then?” To his question over the years, I would reply in two ways:

    1) More commonly – I would say I don’t think it’s that extreme to a point where he would kill himself and we should intervene, and that would settle it. We would then carry the conversation onto something else. I still thought it should be known.
    2) What I really felt and said more recently and only once I think – I don’t have the “power” to something about it, only you and Chris can.

    But yeah, we didn’t plan any intervention.

    • Danniel says:

      Well I didn’t think you had planned a real intervention or anything close to that were it was going to be serious. I just thought we would get together to hang out one day and you’d pressure me into talking about it and I’d just make jokes for an hour until David fell asleep.

      Well I was super depressed at times but some of the blogs were written when I was just super depressed for the night but all around not terrible. I’ve went through some pretty bad stuff and some not so bad stuff but all in all it’s never been ‘kill myself’ bad and like I’ve said a million times I’ve never ever going to kill myself. Death is one of the scariest things ever, just behind being forced to watch every season of How I Met Your Mother back to back.

      I’m not a terribly dumb guy. I’m never going to try and drink myself out of depression or hurt myself or do stuff like that. And I even managed to get through three straight terms of community college with more than a 3.0 GPA (but not much more than that) so I couldn’t have been that depressed (or the classes were super easy) actually one of the reason’s I did well was the same reason I was depressed, that being Dyana of course. Even when I wasn’t with and I didn’t know if i would ever be with her again I also knew there was a chance and I knew I needed to do my best to get through life and not be a loser. There many times when the only reason I went to school was because of her. Twice during my speech class on speech presenting days. I didn’t get much sleep and it was a presenting day but I didn’t have anything to present because I procrastinate but instead of staying home and hoping I get an extra day to work on it or just taking the F I would realize that I was a lazy fuck and I needed to get off my ass and participate in life if not for myself than for Dyana because she wouldn’t want a loser. Also I thought if I didn’t have her what the fuck do I care if I fail at something, which sounds fucked up and depressed but the reason I never try is because I’m scared to fail, so without caring about failing I was finally able to try.

  4. TheBlueCrow says:

    I don’t think you would kill yourself but I thought whatever it was wasn’t healthy and somebody should say something about it (not me though!). I don’t remember David, Ha, or Chris ever being really down (well, there’s that Chris and Kim thing but he didn’t want to talk about) or maybe I just didn’t notice it but I would feel someone should try to make them feel better just as well.

    • Danniel says:

      well Chris never blogged and even when he talked about it he didn’t have much emotion other than if he told us not to talk about Tony’s Sister and we continued to, then he would get a little mad about us not stopping. But he doesn’t really joke about being depressed as much as I do. And I think you guys realize that some of that isn’t joking.

      I don’t think the depression was good but ironically last year was probably one of my most productive years ever.

    • TheBlueCrow says:

      Like for Thai Son, I wanted him to be at the New Years Award regardless of his lack of presence throughout the year and limited knowledge of the groups’ social life because he was so stressed out from his business work and the Mary thing. At one point he even said he was really depressed inside at the New Year. Ok, he really did botched some of the categories big time but it was still really fun. Like, his crazy code of honor where he wouldn’t break a promise even if it means murder.

      Any who, women create too many problems for you guys. Ha’s the smart one here. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I went there.

  5. TheBlueCrow says:

    Whoops, my previous reply was meant to reply to my reply before that. Not yours.

  6. Neofreed0m says:

    OK, we are being serious right?

    As long as we’re being truthful about this I will say it. You guys might not believe me, but for a long time now I have known there was a problem with Quentin. Of course not to the point where death is involve but to the point where we should do something about it or at least talk about it.

    Quy probably had a better understanding of this since he read your blogs a long time ago, but now that I have read these blogs it just re-enforce my suspicions. I remember when I first read a couple of blogs on here. I was so confuse. I thought; is this what people like? I rarely read blogs so I can’t really judge, but as I read more blogs I was getting tire of it. It was just more depression talk, more masturbation talk, and more putting yourself down talk mix in with your type of humor. I think it was then that I started suggesting things so you could change it up a bit(I don’t remember if I actually wrote it as a comment), but you still kept going with the same old stuff. The ones I really like are the ones where you give your thoughts on things, like the “post from the past”

    I knew something needs to be done, but at the same time I knew we couldn’t talk about this. We had our serious talk, sure, but I don’t think we could ever sustain it or follow though with it after that. Come on Quentin tell the truth, if we talked about this before today would you have given us a decent serious talk?

    That’s why when Quy keeps telling me that Quentin is depress I tell him that he’s just joking. Even though a little part of me thinks that is true, I was mostly lying to him every time he brought it up. I didn’t want to bring it up and at the same time I didn’t want Quy to bring it up as well. If both of us acknowledge it and then we didn’t bring it up to the group, what was the point in talking about it? Just to talk behind his back?

    Ideally, I was hoping Quentin would bring this up so we would know he was somewhat serious about it and some kind of decent talk could come out of it. I want us to help, but I also don’t want us to push too hard so that one of us feels that this can never be brought up.

    I don’t know why only Chris can do something about this, but by all means, if he can do it then more power to him. Because my attempts certainly aren’t working. I believe I told you this before, when we were at Marshall I said that I would try to hook you up with Ann because you seem happy to talk to her and something could have happen between you two. If not at least you guys would have been better friends. I also don’t want to say anything about Dyana since it seems like she is a big part of what is holding you up right now.

    Mmmmmmmm, now this needs to be brought up the next time we hang out.

    • Danniel says:

      I will respond to this in blog form in either tomorrow’s blog, or if I need more time to address everything a later blog. I will say one short thing here just to address the talking about it when we hang out.

      I’m willing to talk about it in person (more on that in the blog) but I’d prefer Chris be there too.

      Also, are we going to hang out for the super bowl? Don’t make me watch that crappy game by myself.

  7. TheBlueCrow says:

    Neofreed0m :
    That’s why when Quy keeps telling me that Quentin is depress I tell him that he’s just joking. Even though a little part of me thinks that is true, I was mostly lying to him every time he brought it up. I didn’t want to bring it up and at the same time I didn’t want Quy to bring it up as well. If both of us acknowledge it and then we didn’t bring it up to the group, what was the point in talking about it? Just to talk behind his back?

    Uh… How about ONLY once we acknowledge there is something we can actually discuss whether it’s of the best interest to do something or not. I don’t understand your reasoning if you said you’re already concerned to a point where you think something should be done or said as in the first paragraph. I also don’t understand which times you are referring to if reading his blogs on here–which was started a few months ago in September–is what made it clear for you because I don’t know if I brought it up that much since September. I can only recall that one time where I proposed he was thinking about Dyana in December when he brought up an unnamed girl briefly in his blog and I posted he should think about doing her up the butt.

  8. Neofreed0m says:

    You do agree that you brought it up multiple times to me right? The first time you brought it up to me I was kind of half expecting you to bring it up later when we hang out but nothing happen. So I know we weren’t going to talk about it. If we were going to talk about it I prefer to have everyone there including Quentin. I don’t get what talking only with me will do.

  9. TheBlueCrow says:

    Have I brought it up more than once since September or overall? Overall, yes. Since September, maybe; I have no idea. I only remember the specifics of that one moment of all time, actually.

    Doesn’t the act of you pointing out I’ve brought it up more than once negate your point about me not bringing it up again the next time we hang out (but eventually)? How can we begin to move forward if I don’t know whether you’re taking it seriously or not and think it’s all a joke? Why would dismissing it as a joke whenever I bring it up be a better response than just saying ‘if we’re going to talking about this we should talk about it with Quentin’. That would be way more productive.

    The point is NOT to talk about it with you only, the point is to consolidate our efforts so a wiser course of action can be determined. Acting on myself vs. acting on myself with other informed opinions. That doesn’t work if the other person is not on the same page or suggesting they’re not on the same page.

  10. Neofreed0m says:

    Have you tried talking about it to Chris? To Ha? Either way I still didn’t want you to bring it up when Quentin wasn’t around.

    What I meant was you brought it up to me again after that first incident and not to the group.

  11. TheBlueCrow says:

    Chris knows Quentin is like this very well already. I brought it up to Chris last term where I’m around him the most. It was on that day after he told us his big story and you left to go do something. I don’t remember what happened afterward. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m totally off on this, but I don’t Chris is the kind of person who would likely take action. The point is I had to start somewhere and that was you.

    This isn’t something I walk around on mind with all the time, just bursting to tell you guys when we hang out. We, uh, actually do and talk about other stuff? I bring it up from time to time on occasions when I actually notice something which I’ll bring up when we hang out. We hang out the most between classes save for last term due to our schedules so naturally you’re going to hear it most. I don’t feel comfortable just telling EVERYONE straight off. Difficulty is kind of evident when you’re telling it to just one person and they don’t even seem to agree.

    I never even considered Ha to be part of this. Don’t know why but I thought it would be weird and won’t mean much to Quentin. Only you and Chris have the power. But maybe I’m wrong after all this, you don’t have the power?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s