Please Tell Me Someone Gets the Irony in the Ending

I’m feeling like shit today. Not physically. Physically I just feel tired and super lazy, but that’s normal, especially for a Sunday. Mentally is where I’m not doing so great. My mental status isn’t normally terrific, but this past month has been pretty fantastic so I was getting used to feeling good on an emotional level, as opposed to constantly feeling worthless with mixed in spurts of masturbation where I just feel nothing, although the past half year while masturbating its become commonplace to wonder if there isn’t something more meaningful I could be doing with my time. I’ve started to do a great deal of self introspection during masturbating, which is insane because thinking about how the fuck I’m supposed to get where I want to be in life isn’t something I’d like to be thinking about while watching some chick with fake breasts go down on a guy with what I can only hope is a fake penis. I liked the olden days where I watched porn and would be thinking, ‘I wonder what her dad thinks about her career choice.’ If I have a daughter and I find out she’s doing porn I will be forced to commit suicide in a terribly embarrassing way, and there are three reasons why.

First of all if I found out my daughter was doing porn I’d never be able to get the image out of my head, even if I didn’t see it, my fucked up mind would fabricate some kind of sick and twisted scenario involving her, three guys, two girls, a donkey, and four rats, and then I would never be able to stop thinking about that, and I’m not sure I can live with that running through my mind all the time. Secondly I will have to kill myself because if my daughter does porn that will more than assuredly mean I have failed has a father, and that’s just not acceptable. And lastly, and this is where the killing myself embarrassingly part comes in, if I kill myself embarrassingly enough at family get-togethers sure enough everybody is going to be looking at her thinking she’s a pornstar and looking down on her, but then they’ll think about me and what a freak I was and how I killed myself in a bath of raspberry jam with fourteen dildos lodged in various places, and then her being a pornstar won’t seem so bad, and I figure that’s the least I can do for my little girl.

I’m a creepy guy. It’s not something I like, or try to do. It just seems to be one of those traits that keeps following me around. I’m not sure how to be not creepy. It’s my curse. I think I exude an exorbitant amount of a creepiness vibe, mainly directed at females. There are many, oh so many, things I hate about myself, but as of today being creepy is absolutely the thing I hate most about myself. I’ll admit it was a tough decision. I had many aspects of myself vying for the position. My penis was like, ‘come on pick me, look at me I’m so small. Oh wait you can’t look at me, you’d need a telescope. That’s right, not a magnifying glass, that’ wouldn’t be enough, you’d need a fucking telescope to see me, that’s how fucking small I am.’ My penis tends to never shut up. We have that in common.


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10 Responses to Please Tell Me Someone Gets the Irony in the Ending

  1. Neofreed0m says:

    I think a daughter being a pron star wouldn’t exactly be the father’s fault. Kids have to decide things on their own and you can’t protect them forever.

    • Danniel says:

      But parents do the molding. Don’t get me wrong genetics play a factor too, but genetics are also the fault of the parents. And while parents can’t always be there to help their kids grow up the way they want them to parents play a larger role in kids development than anything else.

  2. Kymlee says:

    I should be offended at all if this because I’m a female (but not a porn star)

    instead… I’m laughing my ass off and thinking that if I were a dude, I probably would be just like you. I’m an in the closet creeper,

    side note… If my daughter was a porn star, I would kill her in a very embarrassing way.


    • Danniel says:

      Well I’m glad you’re not offended because even though I do say offensive things sometimes, or maybe a lot more offend than sometimes, I really don’t want to offend anybody. Okay, well maybe a few people, but not nice people.

      I’m also glad you’re a female, although I’m a little upset you’re not a porn star (kidding of course), but you’re actually the first female to ever write a comment on one of my blogs here, in fact you my be the first female to read one of my blogs here. So congratulations.

      Well you should be very thankful you are not a dude, because being just like me would not be too great of a thing.

      Thanks for the comment, and thanks for reading, but most importantly thanks for being a girl, because the world needs more girls (that sounds kind of creepy, doesn’t it? Oh well)

  3. lianamerlo says:

    So I’ve finally taken some time to find out more about my arch enemy. You’re probably wondering what I’ve discovered.

    1. Apparently you have an obsession for masturbating. This will be your weakness in combat.
    2. You like to have a good cry. I will force you to watch P.S. I Love You. You will get permanent sinus congestion after watching this. Sinus headaches and an immunity to antibiotics will be your downfall.
    3. You have a soft spot for family. I will kidnap your pornstar daughter for ransom and use all your money that you waste at buffets. By the way, might I suggest suffocation by blowup doll or internal bleeding by butt plug?

    There are several more, but I dare not give away too much…

    • Danniel says:

      Obsession sounds so morbid and negative. I like to think that me and masturbation have a love affair.

      I don’t cry much to movies oddly enough. Most of the times I cry are related to self loathing. And unfortunately you’ll never be able to make me feel as bad about myself as I can make myself hate me. That doesn’t sound as funny as I wanted it to, but rather more sad, which is funny I would argue.

      I actually don’t have a soft spot for family. My Dad is a good for nothing hack who decided the only thing he wanted to give me was his genetically small penis. Wow, that makes it sound like he raped me. I wish he loved me enough to rape me, but no, he obviously didn’t care enough.

      Hmm, it seems you have more info on me, some of which could be damaging. I’ll have to investigate you further to make sure I can keep up with our rivalry and not get left in the dust.

  4. missannakay says:

    hhhahaahahhaahah i’m laughing at this whole post, and the comments

    fourteen dildos in a tub of raspberry jam?! really?!

    hahaaahah i probably shouldn’t be laughing, because i can imagine how having a daughter as a porn star could possibly give thoughts as such, thankfully – i am a female, and i am not a pornstar

    i wish i could leave you a comment in a more serious manner, however, i just wanted to let you know, this is one of the better entries i have read online, in a while.

    stay crazy!

    • Danniel says:

      Hey, thanks for the comment, I was actually feeling pretty bad when I read the comment but it made me feel better. Anytime I can make someone laugh while talking about dildos and raspberry jam is a bonus.

      My guy friends don’t like my perverted humor at all. I’ve had like five people in my life laugh at my terribly perverted humor and they’ve all been women. I’m starting to think women are vastly more perverted than men.

      And don’t worry about the seriousness of the comment. I’ll take a comment anyway I can get it. I don’t care if you have to write it on a post-it note and staple it onto my butt, I’ll take it! Why I said you’d have to staple it when post-it notes have a sticky side I’ll never know.

      And yes, I’ll stay crazy, and frankly I’m not sure I have a choice. And don’t be surprised if I stop by your blog and leave a wacky comment. You can go ahead and call the cops, just don’t be surprised. And no, I don’t know why’d you call the cops. I like to let the reader figure out why I say what I say sometimes.

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