I just got back from the buffet and once again I have realized what I always realize. That being that the buffet is where poor people go when they’re splurging on a meal. I guess the middle class go to places like Red Lobster or Olive Garden, although with all you can eat pasta at $7.96 anybody can afford to eat at Olive Garden (for the last time Olive Garden isn’t a sponsor) oh (and I’m pretty sure you made up the price $7.96) probably. And I guess when rich people want a fancy meal they go to Paris or have their personal chefs cook their Pomeranians, although if you’re looking for a cheaper way to taste dog Vietnam would be a good place to go. Take that you Vietnamese bastards. That’s what you get for making America look stupid during the Vietnam War, which we clearly didn’t lose by the way, and I think in time that will be made clear. I kid of course. All these Vietnam jokes are at the expense of David, who I know is reading this, or at least the first paragraph, which is why I included the Vietnamese jokes in the first paragraph.
I happen to like the buffet very much. Why? Most assuredly because I’m poor folk. You see people with money like to spend their money on food that tastes, for lack of a better word, scrumptious. I however like to get as much food in my stomach as I can for as little money as possible. With the buffet I can pay $12.50 and eat enough food to get me through winter hibernation, although that’s not necessarily a good thing. While I was eating I noticed that people were eating to the point of pain, which seems ridiculous. Eating is supposed to be fun, like masturbating. But if you overdue it it can become very painful, like masturbating. And then it will make you feel like you never want to do it again, not like masturbating, I’ve never once felt like I’ve never wanted to masturbate again. In fact while masturbating I often think about how I can’t wait until I can masturbate again. I’m kidding of course. Immediately after masturbating I feel disgusted and hate myself and all I want to do is climb down from the tree outside the redhead with the big boob’s room and go home and sleep, but of course masturbate before I sleep.
If you’re ever feeling bad about your weight go to the buffet. Yes it seems contradictory because eating at a buffet is only going to make you more plumb, but eating is not the point. The point is to look at all the fat people eating at the buffet. About 65% of all people at the buffet are people who would have to buy at least two tickets when flying on a plane. But again, buffet people are poor so they don’t get on planes much. The buffet is great for oversized people because they can eat as much as they want, but at the same time shouldn’t fat people be trying to avoid situations where they’re surrounded by food. I see some of these people sitting at their table with four or five full plates. At first I thought these people were confused and thought they were only allowed to eat whatever they could bring to their table and weren’t allowed to get back up again. Or that maybe they were taking all that food because they were afraid it wouldn’t be there when they got back up again. But then I realized those weren’t the reasons. The reason is that they don’t want to get up off their asses and get more food so they bring as much food to their table as they can so they won’t have to get up for awhile. The only exercise you get at a buffet is when you get up to get more food, but these Fatty McFatfat’s – as David would call them – found a way to cheat the system. Well I say bravo, and I applaud them, as you should too, because let’s face it they won’t be here very much longer. A heart attack can’t be far away, and soon after there heart won’t be able pump the gravy and mayonnaise that substitutes for blood through their enormous bodies.