I just ate a Tuna sandwich from Subway and it was fucking drenched in mayonnaise. I don’t hate mayonnaise but when I’m eating a sandwich I don’t want it to taste like I’m beer bonging a quart of mayonnaise, and I know what that’s like, I spent a year at Vanderbilt (that joke makes no sense) that’s what makes it funny, it’s like you’re reading a transcript of a Family Guy episode. The sandwich tasted like had been soaked in a barrel of mayonnaise for forty years, taken out and coated with a fresh layer of mayonnaise and then a coat of varnish just to make it nice and shinny. I complain but I ate up every bite of it.
I talked to Leighton tonight. I hadn’t talked to her in a little more than two weeks, so even though I was sort of busy I made some time to talk, which isn’t a thing I would have done had it been my sister calling me. I’m kidding Bonnie. I always make time to talk to my sister. You know, except for those last three times she called me and I told her I couldn’t talk even though all I was doing was masturbating. I was doing her a favor. She wouldn’t want to listen to me masturbate, probably. I’d be willing of course. I make these jokes because I care, but more importantly because I’m a disgusting human being.