I had originally planned to talk about the Terminator movie franchise today but I’ve had a sudden change of heart. I was in the bathroom taking a piss and as is usual when I have my penis whipped out of my pajama pants I started to think about Craig Ferguson. Okay, that’s not exactly true. It was Conan O’Brien I was thinking about, and that later led to me thinking about Craig Ferguson. I don’t normally think about guys while I’m taking a piss, in fact I usually make it a point not to think about guys while I have my penis exposed. But I was watching last week’s rerun of Conan and then I had to take a piss and while taking a piss I started thinking about the whole Conan possibly leaving The Tonight Show thing and how many people are liking Conan better now since the whole situation because he’s not being bullied around and he’s taking shots at NBC, but not cheap shots, shots most people believe the network deserves. But enough about that, I’ll save writing about that situation for another time. But thinking about Conan got me thinking about Craig Ferguson because I was thinking that all these talk show hosts just do crappy monologues where it’s just joke after joke after joke, and some are better than others, but a large part of the reason I like Craig Ferguson more than all the other late night hosts is because with him it feels more conversational. Like all late night hosts he’ll bring up something from the news and then they’ll be a joke based on it, but what’s different with him is that he’ll go on jags about the subject instead of just moving on to the next joke. So it doesn’t feel like I’m watching a late night show. It almost feels as if I’m engaged in a conversation with him, and I think that’s why I favor him more than the other late night hosts. But also more than any other late night host I’ve ever seen, I would say more than all the current late night hosts combined, he’ll talk about something serious. Sometimes he’ll do it in a lighthearted way, and sometimes he’ll be completely serious, but you can tell he’s not bullshitting and not just taking the minute to talk about Haiti relief because the network tells him it will be good for his image. He does it because he cares.
So I was thinking all that and peeing (it was a long pee) and I started to think, ‘that’s what I want to be like.’ I want to be like Craig Ferguson. I want to be funny, and I want to be funny in a way that everybody else isn’t, but also I want to talk about the issues that are important to me. And I’ve sort of realized this over and over again, yet I’ve never turned into that guy who talks about what’s important to me. I had one blog in the past where I talked about religion but I feel that was mostly just venting and anger and not constructive in any way shape or form. From time to time I’ll touch on the oppression of gay people, but that’s only because I’m probably guy (you’re trying to be serious here yet you still make gay jokes) which is actually another reason I think I bring up the gay thing so much, while I do feel strongly that they should be able to marry, talking about gays opens up the door for so many joke possibilities. And that is the perfect segue into talking about my biggest downfall. Although now the segue is somewhat ruined because I put this sentence here, and to think had I not put this sentence explaining how the segue was ruined here the segue would have been just fine.
“How do I make this funny”? That has to be the first, and possibly only, thing running through my mind whenever I do anything. I’m always trying to be funny (collective gasp across the nation). I feel like part of the reason I never talk about anything I really care about is because it would be harder for me to make jokes about it. If I’m talking about how stupid the electoral college is and how stupid the people who say with or without it it wouldn’t make a difference so might as well not change it are then it’s going to be a lot deeper hole I’m going to have to dig while mining for jokes. Whereas talking about anal fizzers would be like sticking my hand in a California river in 1848 except instead of gold it’s filled with jokes (the gold rush was actually in 1849) yes I know but I choose to say a year earlier because the rivers would be much fuller before the actual rush took place (touché) bless you.
But trying to be funny might not be my biggest downfall, even though I already alluded that it was. The main reason I never talk about anything remotely serious or important is because I feel so terribly, terribly stupid. Notice how I said ‘feel’, implying that I’m not actually stupid, I just feel like it? Yeah, I didn’t mean it that way. I’m actually so stupid that I forgot the meaning of the word feel so I thought I was calling myself stupid, which I am. No, in all honesty I know I’m not retarded… well maybe. I have my doubts. But I know I’m not stupid. Well not really. What I mean is that I know I’m smarter than a fifth grader, although not the ones on the game show of the same name. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m of average intelligence, maybe? I don’t know. Anyway, I damn well ain’t no smart guy. And thus I don’t feel like I can appropriately articulate my points when I’m trying to convey my opinion on certain topics. I’m more than sure I would come out looking dumb. So I guess a big reason for not talking about issues important to me is because I feel so stupid that for one I can’t talk about the issue the way I’d like to, and also that I’m so stupid that my opinion on the matter is probably wrong anyway so why even write about it in the first place.
So anyway the point is that I should try and talk about some serious things more often and cut down on the penis and masturbation jokes. That is it for today, now I must go masturbate (you just said you were going to cut down on the masturbation jokes) that wasn’t a joke.