While on the subject of penises (we weren’t on the subject of penises) then what the hell were we talking about? (Nothing, the blog just started). Oh, well what the hell should I talk about today? (It doesn’t matter, whatever it is you’ll find a way to make it boring). Not tube socks. I could make tube socks exciting (perhaps, at least you try to everyday).
I was walking to the store today and I saw one third of a lobster shell on the sidewalk. Or was it a crab? Damn it, it was actually a crab. I had a whole routine worked out on lobsters, but since it was a crab I wouldn’t feel right doing it. Or maybe it was a lobster? I’ll have to go and check it out again.
My microwave makes a beep when you open the door to it, which I find unnecessary. I get that when it’s done microwaving it needs to make I sound so that when a person is in the other room doing whatever – in my case getting off a quick jerk off before the two minutes it takes to make popcorn – they will knows it’s done. But it really doesn’t need to make a sound when I open the door because I’m right there opening the door so the beep is unnecessary and rather annoying. And also when it’s done it beeps four times no matter what. It could beep once and I could open the door and it will beep the final three times, plus it will beep for me opening the door. If I open the door to the microwave it should know it doesn’t have to sound off its final beeps because there’s no more need to tell me the food is done, I’ve already opened the door, so I clearly realize it’s done. Why doesn’t this microwave have a mind of its own? I get that electronics are getting too smart and one day they’re take over the world and kill all humans, but God damn, I must have got stuck with one of those mentally challenged microwaves. They’ll be no world domination by it. And by the fucking way, how exactly is saying mentally challenged any less offensive to retards than saying retarded? Sure one sounds nicer than the other, but with both I’m insulting the person’s intelligence. In fact I would argue that it’s better to be called retarded than mentally challenged. Because if someone calls you retarded then it’s like, ‘well that person is just being a prick.’ But if someone calls you mentally challenged it’s like, ‘oh fuck, I have a serious condition that renders my mental facilities inadequate,’ although I still maintain that the mentally challenged person doesn’t really care about being called mentally challenged v.s retarded as much as the parents care. Anyway my point is that calling someone mentally challenged is worst then calling them retarded. No one is with me on this one are they? (Like always they are not.) Well screw them, they’re all mentally challenged anyway.
Both the football teams I wanted to win today lost. This is very disheartening. Almost as much as when I turned around no more than a second ago to find my kitty cat, Cloud, eating my dinner. He always eats my food. I’d prefer him not to because he is so very vey fat – although he’s lost weight since we put him on a diet. To get back at my kitty the next time I feed him at some point I’m going to push him out of the way and start eating his food. I don’t care how bad it tastes, he must be thought a lesson. Also he keeps trying to have sex with his sister, Kilala. So the next time I see him riding her, ironically doggy style, I’m going to push him out of the way and…. I pussed out of making the joke about fucking my girl kitty (it went from talking about football to not making jokes about bestiality) how’s that for range bitch.
If you really think about it masturbation is good for so much. If you’re ever bored just jerk off, that will excite things up. If you’re ever horny just jerk off. If rapists would just jerk off that would save them so much jail time. I mean sure the rapists are having a good time when they’re raping, but is it worth the risk considering if they get caught they’re going to jail where their ass will become a buffet for hundreds of horny prisoners? I say not worth it. Just jerk off. That’s my motto for everything. If I’m feeling horny, ‘just jerk off.’ If I’m feeling lonely, ‘just jerk off.’ If I need to study for a big test that will determine whether I pass an important class or not, ‘just jerk off.’ Okay, that’s mostly a joke, but big tests tend to stress me out, and jerking off is a great way to relieve stress. Also if you’re angry I suggest jerking off. I hate christian bale, he makes me very angry, so sometimes I put his dumb ugly face on the computer screen and just jerk off very angrily staring deeply into his big dumb beautiful eyes the whole time. Now some people try to point out that doing that is totally gay, but there’s nothing gay about it. I’m not feeling any sexual emotions, just anger. Plus there’s a plus, it’s usually the most pleasurable jerks sessions I ever have – I really amaze myself sometimes, christian bale is easily in the top five people I hate most in the world yet I can still make jokes about jerking off to him, you people should have your pants down in awe of me.