Television is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness, and then is suddenly gone – Hodding Carter
I despise television news on both the local and national level. Brian Williams makes me wanna puke. I was going to make some stupid joke about Brian Williams not making me want to puke because he’s a bad news anchor, but rather for some other reason, like he reminds me of peanut butter underwear for some strange reason, but I decided not to make the joke because I really don’t like Brian Williams as a news anchor. I think he’s spectacularly boring. I much prefer ABC’s Charles Gibson, although now he’s retired. And I by far prefer Katie Couric to them both, but that might just be because I have an affinity for breasts, although she ain’t doing too great in that department (not to mention she’s pretty well covered up usually, because she’s giving the news, not doing porn). I once went to the naked news website, for research purposes of course (of course) and two of the ladies were attractive but the rest were spectacularly unappealing (quit using the word spectacularly). I’m just saying, why not have attractive women giving the news to make it more interesting? Especially if the girls are going to be naked they should be attractive. Fox news does it right. They put a hot chicks in front of the camera and just lie, lie, lie, but it doesn’t matter because people will watch because they’re hot (typical liberal view of Fox news) well let’s be honest they’re not the best provided of unbiased news (they’re the worst) but God damn is that Bill O’Reilly sexy. Well not really of course, and he’s seems to be set in his ways, which isn’t good, but he sure knows how to get ratings, and after all that’s what’s most important. And while on the subject of douche nozzles, that Glenn Beck can die and it would probably help me sleep at night. Even before I found out he was a crazy Republican desperate for attention I hated him. I help my mother do her theater work sometimes, and I would have to watch the ads that came on before the trailers, and he had an ad there for one of his ‘comedy/warm hearted story’ specials and the first time I saw it I hated his guts immediately, but after the one hundredth time of seeing it I wanted him dead. Glenn Beck is such a fucking shame to any credibility this human race had. I know I’m starting to sound like Keith Olbermann, who I’m sure all of you are aware of, but I think Olbermann mostly hates him because of their difference in political views, whereas I hate Glenn Beck because he is the least funny person in the entire world. Even less funny than dane cook, and that’s saying a whole lot. (This wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant on Gleen Beck) well it has. Glenn Beck you are a drain on this society, you provide no good to anyone, when you die I will dance on your grave wearing donkey hooves (political joke) and I sincerely hope your tongue falls out so you can no longer poison your retarded listeners with your fucking insane political ideas, and even worst, your fucking God damn jokes that make me want to kill myself because I’m ashamed to share this world with someone who makes the Walmart greeter’s lame jokes sound like Richard Pryor. Glenn Beck, you’re a JERK!!!! (This isn’t the Jerk Report) oh, sentence retracted then. I apologize Mr. Beck. I like Keith Olbermann on the Sunday Night Football show, but the few times I’ve seen his political show I didn’t really enjoy it much. Just saying.
Wow, I did not know that was what I was going to end up writing based on that quote. I had planned on doing a pretty lame joke about how I don’t watch the news or read any newspapers so I have no idea what the Iraq war is when people bring it up, but I’m just going to have to skip all that. I should really just stop planning on what I’m going to write because I always get distracted and end up writing about something completely different. Usually penises, but this time it was Glenn Beck, who actually kind of fits the category because after all he is a colossal dick.