These are my real resolutions people, not joke resolutions to get pity laughs.
*None of these resolutions are in fact my real resolutions but rather joke resolutions to get pity laughs, and I never claimed that any of these would be my real resolutions (you just did, and these are in fact your real resolutions for the year 2010) I prefer to call it 010.
1) Write a blog everyday of the 365 day year – This may be the most important of my resolutions for the year. I love writing, even more than I love masturbating, and if writing were as easy as it is easy to masturbate I’m sure I would write more and masturbate less, which I’m sure my penis would be upset about seeing as it has only known the pleasure of my right hand (and on Saturdays the left) and has never known what must be the magical feeling of a female’s birthing hole (well that just makes it sound so lovely) It hasn’t even been inside a girls food entrance port either, or the food exit hole, but I’ve never really been a fan of the idea of that.. Writing is what I want to do in life (also the when, why and who to do in life is figured out, which just leaves the how), and if I’m going to have a chance at making any sort of career of writing I’m going to need to get better, and the only way to get better is by practicing, or finding a genie in a magic lamp, and this time not wasting my three wishes on a hamburger, cheese for the hamburger, and for that guy from the Good Burger movie to get a job on SNL, and by the way always make sure to specify your wishes, because I wanted the skinny black guy on SNL, not the fat one. I do not know if you’ve noticed, but I am not god at writing (good?) no, I meant god. I want to be better than good, I want to be God when it comes to writing, except less biblical. Have you read about Sodom and Gomorrah? God’s a pervert. He’s worse than Vladimir Nabokov. Have you read Lolita? Great book, but God does it creep the shit out of me. It totally turned me off of sleeping with 11 year old girls. I’m kidding people, I’ve never been turned onto the idea of sleeping with 11 year olds, so don’t send in your complaint letters. You know not once have I ever gotten a complaint letter (not once has anybody ever gave a crap about this writing) touché. But anyway, I must get better at writing, and I must write everyday. The chance of me completing this New Year’s resolution is .0000000025 out of 13. The chance of me masturbating everyday of 2010 is exceedingly higher.
2) Get enough Community College credits to transfer to a University (i.e. real college) as a junior – When I first enrolled in community college there was not a doubt in my mind that I would ever receive a college diploma of any kind, and as the years went by that seemed more and more likely. Although when I was 20 and spent the whole year at home doing nothing but trying to read 100 books (which was a failure) and masturbating, and being depressed, almost had me thinking that maybe I could actually graduate from a real college (that’s sarcasm people). I’ve recently completed three successful terms at community college, and more impressively I did it with a GPA of higher than 3 (although that’s about the equivalent of a 1.25 if converted to real college standards) but still my total GPA is under 3, no thanks to that whore (and possibly lesbian) biology teacher who gave me an F just because I didn’t do the two finals and most of the homework throughout the year, but I killed on the other tests. Now I have to take biology again, most likely with that same teacher. But I’m excited, after almost four full years of being in and out and in and out and in and out of community college I may actually have a chance at earning enough credits to transfer (although ‘earning’ isn’t really the most appropriate word). It’s going to be hard because I have to take a bunch of classes I really have no desire to take. Like penis ceramics 101. I was hoping I could just skip to the 200 level penis ceramics but 101 is a prerequisite. But all jokes aside – well maybe not all jokes – this is the first time I’ve been excited about school in a while. It would be so great if I could transfer. Finally I would get to meet some real college women. I’m tired of getting turned down by these community college floozies. I want to get turned down by some university floozies. The chance of me getting enough credits to transfer to a university this year I would say are 44 to 56 (what the hell does that mean?). The chance of me hooking up with a college chick, and I mean hooking up in anyway, even a handshake, even a friendly nod, even with a community college chick, are exceedingly, and I must exaggerate exceedingly, lower.
3) Practice the guitar at least 5 days out of the 7 day week – I’ve had an acoustic guitar for what must be seven or eight years now. I can play one song. It’s called make as much noise with the guitar as I can until my mom tells me to shut the hell up. I wrote it myself. It’s not very technical. You just strum as many strings as you can as hard as you can, preferably naked. I can’t play the guitar well at all. At times in the past I’ve had some good streaks going of consistently practicing, but inevitably I would stop practicing, usually for months at a time. Masturbating was just so much easier (that seems to be a theme here). But now I want to learn how to play the guitar, and really learn, well not really, really learn, just fuck around and stuff, but fuck around and stuff where it sounds decent. Learning the guitar isn’t a huge goal for me, and that’s why I only said 5 days out of the week. I have however garnered more motivation to learn the instrument. One of my close friends, who I shall call Jack because I don’t want to use his real name of Christopher Lyle Gonzalez, has become quite good at the guitar. He has also started practicing the keyboard. So if I get decent at the guitar, and Quy gets decent at guitar as well, I will be one step closer to starting my band, Nerds on Steroids, although the others don’t seem to be sold on the name. The chance of me practicing the guitar at least 5 days of the week are pretty darn good, 14/20 good, which could be simplified to 7/10 or even more simple, 3.5/5 (how is that more simple?) it just is. A 70% chance may not sound great, but for me it’s absolutely wonderful, in fact higher than I could have ever hoped to hear (what do you mean ‘hoped to hear?’ you’re the one who made up the 70% chance, it’s not like its scientific, you just pulled a random number out of your ass) well not completely random, I like the number 7.
4) Perform stand-up comedy in front of a live audience at least ten times – This one scares me a lot. It’s something that will be completely new to me. And something I’m notoriously bad at. I’m terribly shy, so much to the point that I can’t even post a blog on the internet. And I’m terribly unfunny, as showcased by the lack of laughs after the previous joke. This spells trouble – I’ll forgo the joke where in the next sentence I spell out the word trouble letter by letter, and oh yeah, of course I would have misspelled it. Me doing stand-up in front of an audience can only lead to ultimate embarrassment and complete destruction of what’s left of my shattered ego. But you know what? Fuck it. I’m tired of not trying. And I’m tired of being lazy. And I’m tired of not believing in myself. And most of all I’m tired of people putting the God damn milk carton back in the fridge with less than two fucking drops of milk in it. I mean come on people! This is what I’m most excited about. Not rants about empty milk cartons, but doing stand-up. I don’t think I’m going to be good at it. I don’t think I have enough confidence to do good, shocking I know. But it’s something new. And it’s something different. It’s like fucking the same person for five years and then finally fucking someone new. Or at least that’s what I imagine. I’ve never fucked anyone before, which I seem to love to point out. But it’s going to be exciting. Even if, I mean, when I fail miserably it will still be exciting (that’s not what you’ll be thinking after you get booed off stage) there may be tears on the outside but on the inside I’ll stay strong. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not beautiful Quentin (???) I have appearance issues too. My chance of performing stand-up comedy in front of a live audience at least ten times is roughly 4/10. My chance of getting a person to laugh while doing stand-up comedy are pretty darn good if I employ my ‘fill the club up with laughing gas’ method. You know, I was just thinking while I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom, that failing at this might be the long over due push I need to kill myself, not because it would mean I wasn’t funny, but it would mean that I was less funny than dane cook, which is just not acceptable.
So those are my resolutions. Wish me luck. I’m going to need it. Also send me money. I’m actually financial stable for now because I don’t pay any bills, but still, send me money, I’m greedy damn it.
Good luck to all of you, and I emplore you to reach for the stars this year (first of all that was cheesy, and secondly you spelled implore wrong) God damn it! Can’t I end anything without making a stupid joke at the end? (No, in fact it’s less possible than completing any of these resolutions). Oh, well that’s actually inspiring in a weird, sick, twisted, I’m going to go masturbate now, kind of way.