I was reading some article on yahoo and it was by Dr. Maoshing Ni, I think he was Black (you see that’s supposed to be funny because both the name doesn’t sound like the typical name for a Black person and also Black people don’t generally become doctors, but it’s not funny, in fact it could be considered racist) yes, yes, whatever, anyway Dr. Mao, because that’s apparently what they call him, oh, and surprise-surprise he’s an Asian man, you don’t see many Asian doctors these days – please get the hint of sarcasm – but anyway Dr. Mao listed eight things that he says age us most. And I wanted to go through this list and tell you how they apply to me, because I know you must care so much. And also I’ll try to make it interesting by assuming that I’ll live to a hundred and as I go through the list I’ll guess how much each one of these things that age you will take off my life and then I will predict how old I’ll live to.
1. Poor diet – When I got home from school yesterday I had a bag of popcorn and a bag of Pork rinds for lunch. I do not typically eat healthy. You see God has blessed me with a great metabolism, so I could eat nothing but fried pig and drink nothing but french fry grease for an entire year and not gain a pound. Trust me, I did it for three years while I was poor in the 70s (that makes no sense). I put salt and sugar on everything. I even put sugar on my salt and salt on my sugar and then wrap it in bacon and then deep fry it and then cover it in chocolate syrup and then feed it to my cats. What, you didn’t think I would actually it that myself did you? I don’t enjoy chocolate syrup. I have an extremely poor diet. This is going to take 15 years off my life. I know that sounds like a lot but we still have seven categories to go and I think I’ll add some years in those.
2. Lack of exercise – I exercise everyday baby (don’t say baby, the readers really don’t enjoy it). I exercise in the morning, I exercise in the afternoon, and I exercise right before I go to bed, and of course by now you’ve figured out that by exercise I mean masturbate. But that is sort of a form of exercising. But I should probably start exercising other parts of my body someday. I can imagine by the time I’m 40 I’ll have the body of an 80 year old, but the right forearm of a 25 year old arm wrestling champion, and my penis will be withered away from overused, but tragically it won’t be from sex because I will still not have had sex by the time I’m 40. This will take 2 years away from my life.
3. Stress and worry – I’ve gotten much better at not stressing out and worrying. Unfortunately for me that previous sentence was a lie. I stress out over lots and lots of things, all of which don’t really mean that much. I’ve had test’s that were worth half the grade in the class and I barely sweat over it, even if I haven’t studied. But if a send a text to a girl and she doesn’t respond within thirty seconds I start pulling my hair out and overanalyzing every single mistake I’ve ever made with a girl witch takes days, nay, years, because I’ve made a lot of mistakes, hell I’ve made mistakes when it was theoretically impossible to make mistakes which I guess is why it was still in theory form and not just impossible. Stress and worry will take off 23 years of my life. Whatever, that’s 23 less years I’ll have to spend worrying about chicks hating me.
4. Exhaustion – I always feel exhausted but I never even do anything. I can’t imagine how exhausted I’ll feel when I actually start doing crap. I guess the best thing to do would be to never start doing crap. But assuming I’ll someday start doing crap (and hopefully by that time you’ll stop referring to it as crap) I’ll predict this will take 6 years off my life.
5. Unhappiness – Uh oh. I’m happy sometimes, maybe? Sure I could be happier, but I choose to let others be happy (because as everyone knows there can only be a certain amount of happiness on the Earth at one time) it seems like that way. I mean if there’s only one ice cream cone and me and Shell Bell both want it but only one of us can have it whoever gets it will be happy and whoever doesn’t get it won’t be happy (your point being?) I want a damn ice cream cone! Unhappiness will take 18 years off my life.
6. Lack of love – How dare you mock me you vile list. The damn list already brought up stress and worry and also unhappiness and now it brings up lack of love. Doesn’t the list realize that lack of love is the reason I stress and worry and also am unhappy? (You do realize this list wasn’t tailor made for you?) As always I realize nothing. This is a hard one to evaluate, so I’m going to wait until the end to come up with the total of years it could take off my life.
7. Toxic overload – I don’t even know what Dr. Mao means by this. But I’m going to go ahead and assume it will take 3 years off my life.
8. Blockages and congestion of the transportation highways within our bodies – Again, I’m not exactly sure how to evaluate this one. But for some reason, and please don’t ask why, every time I read the sentence it makes me think about anal sex. There might be something deeply wrong with me. Oh, and I don’t just mean anal sex, I mean gay anal sex (okay, there is seriously something wrong with you). This will take 5 years off my life.
Now let’s do the math.
Minus 15 years for poor diet, 2 years for lack of exercise, 23 years for stress and worry, 6 years for exhaustion, 18 years for unhappiness, 3 years for toxic overload and 5 years for anal sex… I mean blockage of my bodily highways and such. So minus all those silly numbers from a hundred and that gives us… 28!!! Holy crap, I’m only going to live to 28! (You didn’t add in the love, or lack thereof, factor) oh yes.
Well it all depends on if I end up with the person I want to. If I don’t than that only adds to my stress and unhappiness and I’m going to assume it will take 29 years away from my life. Which of course means I will have died while I was still a little sperm in my father’s weed addled body. But if I do end up with the person I want that will take away from my stress, and definitely away from my unhappiness and I could see myself living into my 80s, all of this assuming I end up with my Applecheese.