Well I’ve done it, I’ve completed my mission and gone eighteen days without masturbating (the goal was to go the rest of the year without masturbating) oh, well I definitely failed at that.
That’s right people, to quote the great show Seinfeld, “I am no longer master of my domain.” My streak of days without masturbating actually ended some time ago, I think about just over two weeks ago, on my nineteenth day without masturbating. So while I did fail in trying to make it to the end of the year without masturbating, I also succeeded in breaking my old record of seventeen days. I think it’s about time I tell you how, and why I failed at my challenge, and why it’s taken me so long to tell you (because of course the people must be dying to know).
Well I actually meant to announce my failure to the world the day after it happened, but I found it hard to write about. And also I was too busy masturbating over and over again. But a day or two after I failed I wrote a very small first paragraph, the same paragraph that appears here first, but as I continued it was hard for me to word things the way I wanted to. So I stopped writing about it but revisited it a week later and finished it right before I had to leave for school. So I saved the word document, masturbated, turned off my computer, went to school, masturbated, came home from school, masturbated, masturbated, ate a sandwich with lots of mayonnaise, turned on my computer, masturbated, and opened the word document that contained what I had written about my failure of my challenge, and wouldn’t you God damn know it the document was blank, not a God damn word written on it. I don’t know what happened. I assume I fucked up somehow while saving it. But either way I had to rewrite it, and it wasn’t until now, about two weeks after my great failure, that I decided to write about it again.
Let us get one thing clear. I did not fail because I absolutely had to masturbate. I failed because I was going to die if I had waited one more second before masturbating. No, but really, I think I could have went at least two more weeks without masturbating had I really wanted to. Part of the problem was I couldn’t envision myself going the whole rest of the year without doing it, and that was the goal. It wasn’t to make it to the middle of October without masturbating. If I couldn’t make it the whole year, which I was sure I couldn’t, I needed to cut and run and save myself the prolonged agony of not pleasuring myself. And on the day when I decided to quit I had realized that I had already broken my previous streak without jerking it so it seemed like the ideal time to quit if I was going to quit, which of course I did. So that was one of the reasons I failed.
Another reason was the fear of the dreaded wet-dream. According to my memory I’ve only had one wet-dream in my life. This is most likely due to the fact that I started masturbating pretty young, ten, so I didn’t give myself much time to have wet-dreams. I had taken to manually cleaning out my pipes on a regular basis. My one remembered wet-dream didn’t happen during my stint of seventeen days without masturbating. It occurred a few years before that while I was in high school, and my only guess is that it took place during the football season, because often times I would be too lazy to masturbate after a long day of school and then exhausting football practice, so it wasn’t uncommon if I went three or four days without masturbating. I know that doesn’t seem like much to common folk, but for me that converts into what it would be like if a normal person went three or four months without masturbating. So I awoke one night, and I remember it wasn’t from a particularly pleasant dream, and my boxers felt sticky, and it was just a total mess and completely uncomfortable and I’m not even going to go into details about it because it’s too painful to recall. So I really did not want to have another experience like that.
I had had talks with two friends, one the day before I failed – this talk had no effect on my deciding to quit – the other the day of my failure – this one had a little more effect on my deciding to quit, and wouldn’t you know it the talk was with someone of the female race. The reason I bring up my conversation with these two people is because I found them remarkably funny. First of all these two people have been two of the more adamant people in the past about telling me I masturbate too much. But now they were calling me stupid for trying not to masturbate for the rest of the year. Make up your mind people. And then they started telling me that I needed to masturbate because it helps prevent prostate cancer. When they told me this I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m still laughing to this day. And the reason I’m laughing hysterically is because when they told me that I was masturbating too much I had told them that masturbating helps prevent prostate cancer. And they laughed, apparently not believing me. And then of course a few short months later when this fact I had shared with them was actually in favor of their argument they use it against me. It’s funny the different reactions I had with each of them though. I mean with both of them I laughed, but also with the guy I wanted to tell him to fuck off because I was the one who had first gave him the information about masturbation and prostate cancer and he appeared not to care when I told him then. And with the girl I wanted to say “hey, let’s shut up about masturbating and prostate cancer, and why don’t you hop on the next plane over here so we can make some sweet love.”
So yeah, those are mostly the reasons why I failed my challenged and started masturbating again. But now everything is back to normal. Everything is going smooth between my penis and hand and I don’t see them breaking up anytime soon. That is unless any girl would like to come over here and satiates my manly needs for me? No? No one? Not a single girl on this planet? I’m willing to take a fat chick? Hell I’ll go with an obese girl at this point? Still no? Fine, what about a man? (Now you’ve gone too far) It’s all in the spirit of laughter. But seriously, it does look like it’s just going to be me and my hand for quite awhile.