The Jerk Report: I Wonder If Andy Samberg Where’s A Thong?

Girl who sat in front of me during the History test – I had a History test the other day in my, ironically, History Class. I sat down in the back corner of the class, which is my favorite place to sit because I can see the whole room which I like to be able to do otherwise I get a little uncomfortable, perhaps this has something to do with OCD but whatever. So as I sit down it’s impossible not to notice that the girl sitting directly in front of me’s thong is showing, and I don’t mean barely showing where I have to strain my eyes to see it, I mean showing like Clay Aiken’s gayness was showing. Just like we all knew Clay Aiken was gay, I could plainly see that this girl was wearing a thong, and I could also see about two square feet of ass on the girl. I don’t know how she didn’t notice her ass was hanging out of her pants, you’d think she would have felt a breeze. But anyway you may be wondering way I’m complaining about her thong showing. Well for one I’m not a particularly huge fan of the thong. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the female posterior as much as the next guy, but thongs, and especially seeing asscracks, do not get my gears going. Whenever I see a girl in a thong all I can think about is how uncomfortable it looks. It looked especially uncomfortable on the girl sitting in front of me. It looked like the sole purpose of this thong’s life was to burrow its way as far as it could up this girl’s asscrack. Whenever I looked at it, which I assure you wasn’t much, my chief concern was that the thong string might break into the skin, and then we’d have ourselves a good old fashion mess on our hands. Also I didn’t enjoy the viewing of the thong because while the girl wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t super attractive either. But most of all I didn’t enjoy it because I was taking a test that day, and it acted as a distraction. Throughout the test thoughts of the thong would pop into my head. I’m sitting there trying to focus on the Salem Witch Trials and all of the sudden I start wondering if Sarah Good wore a thong (those of you who have read the Crucible might enjoy that joke). And also I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy who invented the chair, and I say guy because I know it must have been a guy. I mean there’s the seat of the chair that you sit on, and then there’s the back to the chair so you don’t accidentally lean back and fall, and then, for some reason I haven’t yet found, there’s a open space between the back of the chair and the seat of there chair. A space coincidentally placed perfectly so you can see when a girl’s thong is showing. The guy who invented the chair must have noticed that when he saw girls sitting on rocks and things occasionally their underpants would show, which must have been an extreme turn-on back in the day. So he had this great idea for this thing that would have four legs, a seat, and then a back, and you could sit somewhat comfortably on it, but the only problem was how would you be able to see the girl’s underpants when they sat down? Well easy, he decided to just place an open spot between the seat and the back of the chair so you’d be able to see girl’s underpants when they sat down. And apparently no one questioned him on it. And even if they did I’m sure he just told them it saved material. Well I’m sure that man is the idol of billions of boys throughout history, because I can not begin to tell you how many thongs have been viewable solely because of the open space on the back of chairs. Well that may be enjoyable to some people, but not to me. I can’t enjoy it, my mind just starts flooding with all these weird thoughts that I can’t block out. Like who was the first male to put on a thong? Surely it must have been a gay man? But anyway, girl who sat in front of me during the History Class test, and I’m going to throw in the guy who invented the chair, specifically the open space between the seat and the back, you’re both Jerks!

Creep of the Week

Andy Samberg – First of all this is long over due for Mr. Samberg. Ever since he’s joined SNL, aka Silly Night of Laughs (that’s not what it stands for), it should be, Samberg has produced one Jerk move after the next. First of all he is not good in any of the skits he’s in. Andy Samberg has less talent in his whole body than Keenan Thompson has in his ass. Granted that’s a bulbous caboose Thompson is lugging around – I don’t really like to make fun of people for their weight, but Keenan Thompson is making a lot of money, and I did say he was more talented than Andy Samberg, although that’s not really a complement. Also that whole Dick in a Box video with Justin Timberlake is not as great as everybody thinks it is. It was okay, and it was intriguing and interesting because it was unique, but it annoys the fuck out of me to think about how many innocent girls across America saw that video and confuse it with funny and now would like to sleep with Andy, or at least blow him. Please people can we hold our comedy standards a bit higher? That On a Boat song he did was the worst piece of shit I had ever seen in my life, or so I thought, until I watched SNL last Saturday and saw his newest video. That was perhaps the least enjoyable few minutes of my life. Nothing was funny lyrically, nothing was funny in the video, it was a total mess. The only semblance of good in the video was Elijah Wood and Bobby Moynihan, who is my favorite of the new cast members on SNL, besides the oddly attractive Abby Elliot, and I say oddly because she’s the daughter of Chris Elliot who isn’t anything near good looking, so I’m thinking she didn’t come from his seed by rather that of the milkman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to hate on Andy Samberg. I actually admire him very much. I’m even jealous of him. Do you know what I’d give if I could be as unfunny as him but be able to get laid as much as him? Nothing, because I’m already less funny than him and I don’t even really care about getting laid that much. I just really don’t want anybody to call Andy Samberg a comic genius. He does stupid humor. He sinks to the lowest of lows for comedy, that being penis humor, I mean a dick in a box? Come on! (All you do is penis humor) but my penis humor is tasteful (I’m so glad you didn’t leave out the word humor) oops, I actually meant to leave it out. Anyway, Andy Samberg, you’re a JERK!


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5 Responses to The Jerk Report: I Wonder If Andy Samberg Where’s A Thong?

  1. sololos says:

    I don’t get that Andy Samberg video. It’s like he’s parodying something that doesn’t exist. Or maybe I just don’t know what he’s parodying?

    • Danniel says:

      He parodies a lot of rap songs (I’m not sure either what he’s parodying here) but I’m guessing rap isn’t the choice genre of music for most SNL fans.

      I was trying to see if I could find if it was a parody of any song and I ran across a forum and one guy wrote, “What’s funny about it? Is it a parody of a song I’m not aware of?” and then a guy responded, “not a parody of any song. its just hilarious man…..but everyone has a different sense of humor. if its not for you its not for you.”

      So I guess it’s not a parody song, but the thing I most noted about what the second guy said is that he’s implying that humor is subjective, which I’m not sure if I agree with. Yeah, sure everybody has a different sense of humor, but aren’t some people wrong in thinking some things are funny? Can’t we all agree that what happened on 9/11 wasn’t funny. I know that’s going to extremes but I’m trying to make the point that some things are subjectively funny, it’s just a matter of where we draw the line on what we allow people to think is funny. I mean do we allow people to think Larry the Cable guy is funny, or do we tell them they’re wrong? I just don’t know. It truly is the big question of our universe.

  2. Neofreed0m says:

    You should have thrown in the person who invented the thong.

  3. sololos says:

    It really does seem like it’s a parody of something though. Then again, this is the guy behind that video where he just punches people for no reason. Come to think of it, that video is extremely similar to this one…

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