This morning while laying in bed I heard my cat puke. This is not an unusual sound in my household. You see my cat Kilala – who my brother and sister apparently named after some fox-like character in some anime show, they named my other cat Cloud after the main character in the Final Fantasy 7 game, and please don’t get me started on how my brother and sister got to give these cats ridiculous names when I was the one who had to keep these cats in my room when they were kittens and wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and bottle feed them (they didn’t have a mother to feed them) and wipe their asses with a wet clothe because if you don’t they won’t be able to poop and they’ll die, and now when they’re older I have to keep their food in my room away from the other cats so whenever they’re hungry, or even just want to fuck with me, they scratch on my bedroom door nonstop, and of course the prime time they choose to do that is while I’m sleeping, and apparently my mother expects me to take the cats with me when I move out, well I got news for her, the cats will be long gone by the time I move out, no I’m not saying I’m going to kill them, I’m saying I’m not moving out for an extremely long period of time, like 70 years or something, but anyway – is bulimic. You’ve probably forgot what I was talking about. My cat pukes a lot and I’m assuming she’s bulimic because she pukes a lot after meals. It’s nothing to worry about, I assume. But this morning I heard her puke and when I got up to look for the puke and clean it up I couldn’t find it. So I keep looking around and wouldn’t you know it she somehow managed to puke directly into my shoe. I don’t know if that just happened to be where she was when she had to puke, or if she’s evil and did it purposely, but either way there is puke in my shoes, the left shoe that belongs to the pair of shoes that I wear most. And I do mean she puked into my shoe. The outside of the show is spotless. The inside is filled with undigested kitty food.
I realize why kids want pets, because they’re dumb, but why do adults want pets? Perhaps loneliness? If that’s the reason then those people must get dogs. I’m convinced dogs are the only animals who will give you their full attention 100% of the time. When you come home from work, or school, or wherever, a dog will be right there to greet you. Cat’s will too – if they’re not sleeping. My cats always come running to me when I get home from someplace, and by someplace I mean the strip club – that’s a joke I actually hate strip clubs because they depress me. But the difference between cats and dogs is that dogs, while they don’t really love you, want your attention and just like it feels good when a girl or boy wants your attention it feels good when your dog wants your attention. With a cat they don’t really want your attention, they just want you to feed them, then scratch their neck and behind their ears and then leave them the fuck alone so they can sleep for eight hours and then wake up and annoy you until you feed them again and then sleep again for eight hours. But then again some people don’t mind that. The sole reason they get a pet is because they have no one and they need to feel needed. If these people would just get addicted to television or masturbation then we could just go back to the olden days and have millions and millions of stray cats and dogs roaming the streets like they’re supposed to. I love coming across stray cats and dogs. I mean sure it’s depressing in a way because they don’t have a home, but it makes me feel like I’m in the wilderness, and at any moment they could attack me, which is why I always attack them first.
So why do couples get pets? Well I have a theory that one of the members in the relationship, most likely the woman, will toss out the idea of getting a pet because they want to see if the other member of the relationship, most likely the man, is responsible and will be able to take care of a child one day. (Prepare for bad racist joke.) This experiment doesn’t work well in Asia because often times the woman will bring home a dog and the man thinks he is supposed to cook it for dinner. I have a lot of Asian friends so I can say jokes like that (having Asian friends doesn’t permit you to be racist) well nothing permits you to be racist, but still some people need to be racist to make other people not look racist, even though they really are. And it wasn’t racist, it was a joke, and jokes can’t be racist. Or can they? If they can then I may have said a lot of racist things in my life.