I was lying in bed the other day when something great to write about popped in my head. Quickly after that I realized that I think of the most interesting things, and am quite possibly at my funniest, when I am lying in bed. That’s all well and good except for the fact that I’m only in bed for two reasons. One being I’m tired and trying to fall asleep and the other being I’m depressed as fuck, both ending with me not caring to write down the great ideas I think of, and inevitably I forget what they were. It really is a testament to my laziness (or your ability to just not care) because I keep multiple pads of paper and pens and pencils on my bed while I sleep, literally less than inches away from my hand, and I still don’t care to write my ideas down. I guess I’m just stupid and repeatedly think I’ll remember all the things I come up with in bed but never do. I think my memory just enjoys to fuck with me, because I could read the same Shakespeare play five times and within a week forget the name of every single character in the play, yet years from now I’ll still be able to remember that the name of someone’s favorite stuffed animal is Mr. Waffles. And I strongly get the feeling ‘who is Mr. Waffle’s’ isn’t going to be the answer to a final Jeopardy question (he has the delusion he’ll be a contestant on Jeopardy someday) you have to admit though that it’s one of my more realistic delusions (well I guess better than the delusion of having a sex orgy with the Miss America contestants who make up the four corners) By God, one day Miss Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado will be mine.
I have a red bunk bed – yeah, I can hear all the ladies panties dropping at the thought of doing it on a red bunk bed. I absolutely love my bunk bed, but I could never imagine having sex on it. Believe me I’ve tried imagining it too. I get like five seconds into it and then it starts to hurt my head too much because me having sex on my bunk bed is so far from reality that my mind just says, ‘no, this is too much. The idea of a universe with no beginning and no end I can imagine, but you having sex on your bunk bed is just impossible.’ The closest I’ll ever come to having sex on my bunk bed is when me, my cousin and my friend used to wrestle on it. And we weren’t even little kids when we did that. It was like four or five years ago. But that’s not even the gayest thing we’ve done on the bed. Quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever been involved in was when the three of us (and this happened well over ten times) all slept on the bottom bunk together, even though the top bunk was wide open. I don’t think it was too gay because we usually each had our own blankets, and it was mandatory that we each wore a cup and a butt plug just to make sure nothing would accidentally slip into anything else (yes, accidentally) I don’t like your wisecracks (well someone’s got to be funny here) I’m funny damn it! You know, to people who like jokes about masturbation and small penis’s.
I don’t sleep well. It takes me a while to fall asleep, which appears to be a problem for most people so I’m guessing it’s normal, and when I do fall asleep I wake up throughout the night a lot, well maybe it’s not a lot because I haven’t conferred with people, but it’s usually more than ten times. I imagine what keeps me up at night is the same thing that keeps everybody up, that being not being able to stop thinking. I think a lot about death and the universe and how crappy my day was, but by far I think most about being lonely. I know you must be thinking that you came here for some comedy – although this isn’t a great place to come for comedy – and not to hear about me bitching about being lonely. Well I assure you that I’ll work some comedy into this. For example I find it extremely ironic that one of the best things about sleeping is that I don’t have to think about all the bad things, like being lonely, yet I can’t fall asleep because I can’t stop thinking about those bad things. Okay, so maybe that’s not ‘haha’ funny, but more ‘oh yeah, life kind of sucks that way’ funny. It’s times like this that I kind of hate that I can only be funny when talking about masturbation or my small penis, but then again I should be so lucky because most guys don’t masturbate as much as I do or have as small a penis as me so they can’t even make jokes about it (I know that must really suck for them). Oh how I feel so sorry for all those hot guys with big penis’s who have to bang hot chicks all the time and will never feel the magnificent pleasure of being able to make fun of their small penis.