Bonnie and Quy laid next to each other in bed drenched in sweat after ten hours of rough sex that I dare not describe any further in fear that the image will be burned into my head for weeks to come and I’ll lose twenty percent of my body weight from nonstop vomiting.
They looked deep into each other’s eyes, and you could tell that Bonnie was in love, and that Quy was just using her for sex. But it wasn’t Quy’s fault that he didn’t love Bonnie, for his heart only had room for one love, and that spot was reserved for pogs. Quy collected pogs. You know those little circular disks slightly bigger than quarters that were somewhat popular in the 90s. Yes, Quy loved pogs more than he could ever love any woman, and probably any man.
But Quy continued the charade of loving Bonnie. Why? For the sex. Second to Quy’s love of pogs was his dream of moving to Paris and opening a male stripclub called Baguettes. But after that it was sex. And after that it was sex with a woman. And fifth was sex with Bonnie.
Bonnie and Quy leaned in close to each other, about to connect lips for passionate kiss, but before they could the bedroom door was flung open.
It was Christopher, Bonnie’s husband.
Christopher and Bonnie had first met at Harvard. Bonnie had stumbled onto the Harvard football field after a crazy night of drinking, and Christopher was supposed to meet one of the fat chicks in the chest club there to make-out. Neither Bonnie nor Christopher actually attended Harvard. In fact neither Bonnie nor Christopher had graduated high school. They were both deemed literally too cool for school and expelled their junior years.
On that Harvard football field was one of the most awkward displays of sexual intercourse to have ever occurred on this planet. No, not between Christopher and Bonnie, but between a professor and his retarded student. How a mentally challenged person made it into Harvard I’ll never know.
Christopher and Bonnie fell in love immediately. Bonnie loved his sense of wit and dashing good looks. Christopher loved that she was a girl who wasn’t fat and in the Chess club. They got married in one of the most romantic places in the world, East Berlin in the early sixties. They had three kids, all of which died tragically. They were all boys, which is still tragic but less tragic than if they were girls. One died while trying to break the record for most failed attempts at suicide, another died while trying to figure out why people watched One Tree Hill, and two were eaten by a goat (that’s four) oh, then only one was eaten by a goat, but he was fat.
After their kids had died Christopher and Bonnie became distant. It also didn’t help that Christopher had been diagnosed with the first ever cased of sperm cancer. It wasn’t actually that his sperm had cancer, it was just called sperm cancer because that was the name of the doctor that discovered it. It was actually cancer of the foreskin. So Christopher had to get circumcised. That day Christopher lost more than just part of his penis. He lost his personality. He became cold, and abusive, towards his penis that is. He would beat his penis everyday. At first it was painful. But then it got surprisingly pleasant. And then he became disgusted with himself. And then he joined a support group. And that didn’t help things at all. He needed to go on a vacation, so he went to Disney Land, but he was disappointed, he really wanted to go to Disney World.
While Christopher was away at Disney Land Bonnie met Quy. They met at the movie theatre where they were watching Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. They were the only two in the auditorium. It was their love of Matthew Macconaughey shirtless that initially brought them together. Bonnie and Quy quickly formed a band in which Quy wrote the lyrics and played the tambourine and Bonnie sang and played the didjeridu. Their band lasted three weeks and they received the highest ratings ever on the Ed Sullivan Show. But they weren’t in it for the frame or the money. They were in it for the passion. And they lost the passion for music. But they gained passion for each other.
But now Christopher was back, and he stared at Bonnie and Quy both naked in bed, no scratch that. Bonnie had clothes on because I don’t want to have to think about my sister naked for the rest of the story, but Quy was completely naked (because you’re okay with thinking about that) he’s got an admirable body.
Christopher was mad. Not like mad when you miss your favorite TV show, but like mad when you find out your wife has cheated on you with your best friend. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention Quy and Christopher are best friends, well I mean were best friends. They aren’t anymore because Christopher kills Quy at the end of the story (spoiler alert).
“You son of a bitch,” Christopher yelled at the top of his lungs.
“This isn’t what it looks like,” pleaded Bonnie.
“Really,” Christopher begun, “because it looks like you didn’t open the package of video tapes that I gave you so you must not have recorded all my favorite shows for me while I was gone.”
“What?” Bonnie said. “You’re mad about that? What about finding me and Quy in bed with each other?”
“Well I assume you guys were cold so you hoped under the blankets and played a nice friendly game of cards.”
“Yeah, I was playing poke-her,” said Quy and then broke into a huge laughing fit.
“You mean poker,” Christopher corrected.
“No, I mean poke-her, like I was poking your wife with my penis.”
“Well why would you do such a thing as that?”
“Because we’re in love,” Bonnie shouted to the heavens.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down,” Quy said. “I was just in this for the sex. I ain’t looking for no long term thing here. I just need someone to keep me busy until my next shipment of pogs comes in.”
“But Quy, I thought we had something special?”
“I know that’s how I wanted you to feel so I could continue to have sex with you.”
“I feel so used.”
“And I feel stabbed in the back,” Christopher said. “But two Advil’s and my back should feel fine.” (Lamest joke in the story.)
“Oh Christopher I feel so terrible,” said Bonnie. “How can I make it up to you?”
“I’m afraid there is nothing you can do,” Christopher said, still upset about his TV shows that didn’t get recorded. “It’s over between me and you.”
“But what about if me, you and Quy have a threesome?”
Christopher thought. And then he thought some more. And then he continued to think. And then he stopped thinking for two minutes. And then he thought some more, but it wasn’t about the possibility of a threesome. Then he thought about the threesome some more. Then he made a list comparing and contrasting the idea of a threesome. Then he called his mother and asked her for advice. Then he came to a decision.
“No, I can’t have a threesome with you guys. I’ve got business to attend to.”
Christopher then left the room forever to go download the episodes of the TV shows that he missed off the internet. (I thought you said Christopher killed Quy in the story) I’m a liar.
Bonnie and Quy were left alone.
“So you don’t love me?” Bonnie asked.
“I guess I don’t,” Quy responded pretending to feel ashamed.
“This tryst is over. I can find someone a lot better than you to be with”
Just then Eva walked in and this story got a whole lot sexier.
“Hey Eva,” Bonnie said, “Want to make out?”
Just then I walked into the room.
“How many fucking times do I have to tell you two? You guys can not make out. But Eva if you’re looking for a good time I’m more than ready and willing, and I’m almost adequate,” and then I whispered, “if you discount the small penis.”
“You have got to be kidding me,” Eva said. “I’d rather shove my head in a hippo’s ass and have my body eaten at by a pack of wild wolves then even think about doing anything sexual with you, Quentin.”
“Fair enough,” I said. And then me and Eva both disappeared from the room in magical fashion.
“This seems like a very unsuitable ending,” said Quy.
“I really hate this story,” said Bonnie. “I’m really mad at you Quentin.”
So am I. So am I.