Song of the Week:
Throughout most of my life I thought it would be cool to play in a band. So of course I spent much of my time figuring out what my appearance would be when I joined a band, and not so much time actually practicing any instruments. Somehow, and I have no idea why, I never got good enough to play in a real band, or even an air band. So I never got to showcase what my appearance would look like. Lucky for you I’m going to tell you right now how I would look playing all sorts of different kinds of instruments.
If I was a bass guitar player I would dress in a suit, but here’s the catch, I would wear red shoes. I know, the red shoes blow your mind right? I would revolutionize the way bassists look. Also I would wear a tie that looks like a penis.
If I played the drums I would wear nothing but boxers. I wouldn’t even wear shoes. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking what am I going to do if broken glass gets on the stage and I have to walk through it? No problem, I’ll get my assistant Clancy to give me his flip flops. Problem adverted, hombre. And for drumsticks I’d use pink dildos. Nice big ones that emasculate me more than you’ll ever know.
If I played the electric guitar I don’t know what I’d wear because I’d be high on drugs all the time. And my mom would be worried about me but I’d be like, ‘mom, don’t worry it’s all part of the experience of being in a band.’ And she’d be like, ‘you’re in a band that plays covers of children songs.’ And then I’d be like, ‘yo mom, cool it, don’t diss our style. You’ll see, one day we’ll be bigger than Jesus, but not as big as The Beatles.’ And then our band would immediately blend into obscurity. But before that I would have a guitar and the base of it would be two big balls, and then of course the stem would be a penis, and it would be black and the balls part of it would be hairy, and the guitar wouldn’t even work because it has no strings and I’d be so high on drugs that I wouldn’t even know I wasn’t actually playing a guitar but apparently giving Shaq a handjob.
If I were a keyboard player I would definitely wear pajama pants, purple ones. I would have on oversized Homer Simpson slippers that I would steal from my friend Quy. I would wear an all white sleeveless shirt with a big mustard stain on the back of it, but here’s the thing, I don’t know there’s a mustard stain on the back of it, so all day people are giving me weird looks but I don’t know why and it makes me really angry so I just snap and start hitting people and then the lead singer tries to restrain me and I confusedly hit him and then he kicks me out of the band but then I say I’m sorry and we hug and he lets me back in the band and we rock out hardcore. Also I wear one of those karate head bands and I look hella cool. And I can’t figure out any penis attire to use if I were a keyboardist, sorry.
If I played the acoustic guitar I’d just be naked. That’s it, I have nothing more to say about that.