The horror begun at the ripe age of ten.
I know it seems far too cliché, but I’m quite certain that I was watching Baywatch. I don’t know if it was because of Pamela Anderson, or Carmen Electra, or Traci Bingham – I damn well know it wasn’t because of Gina Lee Nolan because ten year old Quentin liked big ole fake looking tits – but someone’s boobs bouncing around made little Quentin’s penis tingle, and little Quentin was bored on a Saturday afternoon and decided to experiment. Little Quentin fell in love that day. But little did little Quentin know that the love was only one way, for masturbation would take advantage of him and make him waste so much of his young life. Well now older and wiser Quentin (although only a little bit wiser) wants a separation from masturbation. Not forever, I just feel me and masturbation should go on a break, maybe date some other people. My hand would like to play catch sometimes, maybe meet other hands and play a game of Thumb War. My hand can’t spend its whole life in submission to my cock.
I can say definitively that I’m not addicted to masturbating. Hmm, I think I can say definitively that I’m not addicted to masturbating. I’ve gone without masturbating for a while in the past before. Sure it was only for three or four days at a time, but for me that seemed like an eternity. The longest I’ve ever gone without masturbating was seventeen days. It was almost exactly three years ago (September, 06) and it was at a point in my life where I was constantly distracted and therefore didn’t have hours and hours of spare time everyday that I ended up using to masturbate. I remember I was busy with the parody song me and my friends were working on that conveniently has just been posted on Youtube the past week. It was right before I started my first year of community college so I was preparing for that. But I think the thing that kept me from masturbating most was that there was this girl I liked, and in some weird turn of the cosmos, possibly a fucked-up joke by the Gods, this amazingly attractive girl actually liked me back (although less than two months later she would go on to call him a creep, but that’s a story for another time). So I spent most of my days wondering how this girl could possibly like me, and thought of all the scenarios of how it might go wrong, because I knew it wouldn’t work, but in all the scenarios I thought up none of them included her calling me a creep, so that was a nice surprise. But anyway the point I’m trying to make is that I don’t masturbate so much because I’m addicted, but because I’m bored. I have so much spare time that anytime something happens across my mind that makes me even the slightest bit horny I’m not doing anything important so I can whack one out with no interruption to my day. But a problem arises because I could be spending all my free time doing much more productive things. Sure they won’t ever be as pleasurable as that one second of perfection that is brought about from masturbation, but I think I could be doing stuff that could help me with my life.
Eleven years of masturbation and if you told me that I’ve wasted more than a year of combined masturbation I wouldn’t be shocked at all. Now that includes all the time I’ve spent looking for the perfect thing to jack off to, which is what most of the masturbation process is made up of. I’ve probably spent less than an hour of time with my hand actually moving up and down on my member that makes me a boy. It’s the searching, and searching, and searching, that is such a big waste of time. Every time I always tell myself to just get in and get the job done as fast as possible, but I always spend hours looking for the perfect thing (you’d be amazed how hard it is to find bestiality on the internet) hey that was uncalled for (what, I can’t make jokes?) No, you’re supposed to be the well respected, truth telling side of me (okay, sorry, no more jokes from me, in fact I may never return). But in all honesty (and he is being completely serious here) when I look back at all the hours I’ve wasted masturbating it’s so sad. And when I compile that with all the hours I’ve spent watching unfulfilling television it becomes very depressing. And then when I compile both those with all the time I’ve spent just lying on bed not really thinking about anything it becomes suicidal. Well not really, but it does make me ashamed of this life that I’ve been granted by the Universe, or the Gods, or whatever you’d like to believe in, and I’m not doing anything with it but apparently masturbating. I mean this is probably all I get. An afterlife isn’t guaranteed. And even if it was I’d be a shoeing for Hell. I need to stop wasting this life.
So last night, 11:58, I had an orgasm. That has nothing to do with this I just thought you should know. No, but really I plan on that being my last orgasm for a little while. It was a very unfulfilling orgasm too. The truth is that I didn’t even want to masturbate last night but I needed to so I could say that this was day 1. But that orgasm will be my last of the year if everything goes right. That’s right I plan to not masturbate for the rest of 2009. And also no sex of any kind (ha ha ha, you didn’t have to make that statement; there was no sex in your near future anyway). You never know? I’m not a terribly unattractive guy. And I can be sweet sometimes. And the fact that there are guys out there who look worst than me, and have worst personalities than me but are still getting laid could’ve driven me crazy enough to go to a prostitute. But that’s not the point. The point is that I’m not going to let my penis run, and then ruin, my life. It’s not big enough for me to let do that. I’m going to put my time to good use. Well let’s just say to use better than masturbating. So from this point on if you see me in the year 2009 you can no longer expect to see me masturbating, which was highly questionable before I decided to swear off masturbating.
By the way I don’t think I’ll make it past the week.