The Traveling Beauty

My friend – who probably wants to remind nameless – goes to real college – I say real college because it’s a four year school (Portland State) and I go to a community college, and from my three years, on and off, of community college the one and only thing that I have learned is that community college is not and should not be considered a real college – and while at real college my friend meets new people, approximately half of which are girls, and approximately more than half of which say they want to travel in their life. The wanting to travel is nothing new, but it appears to be a much higher want among women than men. Men generally want to fuck women, – preferably attractive, or with big knockers – make lots of money (so they can pay women to like them), drive fast cars (to impress women), and watch sports (to relive their glory days when women liked them). Women appear to want to get married to the perfect man – by the way the perfect man does not exist – have all other women envy them, and travel the world. Men would also like to travel, but it’s 100% motivated by the idea of sleeping with foreign women. My nameless friend says that many of the girls he encounters at college want to travel and he would like to know why. I have a few theories that are admittedly probably wrong and maybe even a bit sexist, or at least offensive, but please indulge my ego and read further.

Of the girls I know that want to travel they all have one thing in common. They are all exceedingly attractive. What does being exceedingly attractive have to do with traveling? The following answers might shock you, in more ways than one. Beautiful people like to be seen, and it isn’t enough for them to just be seen in the city they live in. No, they want to travel the world and be seen as beautiful in all sorts of different cultures, whereas ugly people don’t want to be seen at all. Ugly people do not like to leave their living quarters. Trust me I know because I am in the brotherhood of ugly folk. When I leave my house I dress like a Muslim woman does when she’s in public. All you can see is my eyes, the rest is hidden in shame. This is actually ideal because it makes it easier for me to look at all the beautiful woman walking about in public without them noticing, even though they want people to look at them, but I’d rather not give them the satisfaction. What about fat people you say? Well I wasn’t going to bring them up, but since you’ve asked I’ll tell you why they don’t travel. Traveling requires a lot of walking. And walking is not the fatman’s friend. And to add more embarrassment, fat people have to purchase two seats on a flight if they’re over a certain weight (what did you mean by adding more embarrassment?) oh nothing. Why is it more acceptable to make fun of fat people than it is to make fun of retards? I still maintain that at least most retards won’t even know when you’re making fun of them, so whose really getting hurt? (The parents of mentally challenged people?) exactly.

So we’ve established that attractive girls like to travel (I don’t think we’ve established anything). And what do most attractive people have in common? Well, and this is the one and only thing I share with attractive people, they are ever so stupid in the brain area. I admit that there are a few exceptions and they just prove the rule (and no Brad Pitt is not one of those exceptions, he is not smart) but on the whole attractive people tend to be not so brilliant, and they don’t need to be because they’ll beautiful. Just looking at them makes me want to throw lots and lots of money at them in hopes they’ll take their clothes off. But I push back these savage urges and instead just stare at them politely from afar as I crouch behind a bush. Ugly people couldn’t get laid in the past, so they evolved and got smarter so they could make money and buy women whatever they wanted and in turn the women would have sexual intercourse with the oh-so-ugly but oh-so-rich men. But God damn how I can not stay focused and how brevity is my biggest short coming. Anyway, for some reason we human beings have decided that traveling should be considered a sign of intellect. In high society you often hear the phrase ‘well traveled’. Well my theory is that attractive women use traveling to cloak their stupidity in lieu of actually whipping out a book and reading from it, perhaps to learn something informative. But oh, a pox on me for actually suggesting that someone open up a book. And no, that Harry Potter and Twilight crap doesn’t count. Crack open something by Hemmingway, or Austen, or Dr. Sues, but not Fitzgerald, that overly pretentious jackass can take his American Dream and choke on my c… (whoa, whoa, whoa, kids might be reading this) I was going to say candor (no you weren’t) yeah, but I thought it was a good cover.

So that, my friend, is me struggling to tell you why so many girls want to travel.


About Danniel
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2 Responses to The Traveling Beauty

  1. Neofreed0m says:

    Hmmmmm…………………………..interesting theory……………………….

  2. sololos says:

    There goes the piece I was going to do on traveling.

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