I stole the concept of the Jerk Report from Dave Dameshek. Yes, the same Dave Dameshek none of you have ever heard of.
Puking – The other day I had some Cranberry-Apple juice. When I took a sip of it from my lavender cup it didn’t taste good at all. In fact it tasted quite awful. So of course I drank down the whole cup. Two hours later I found myself keeled over the toilet with burning pink liquid flowing out my mouth. Puking is really one of the most uncomfortable experiences in this life. It’s more uncomfortable than the time my mom walked in on me masturbating (that never happened) but if it did I imagine puking would be more uncomfortable. I mean the whole having my head halfway in the toilet bowl is quite the comical scene. I pooped and peed in that same toilet bowl less than an hour ago too. Luckily the lingering smell of my fecal matter wasn’t as strong because I had puke dripping out my nostrils. After puking I did feel much better, and I was glad for that. But Puking, you’re a Jerk!
Leslie Nielsen – Where the hell has Leslie Nielsen been anyway? I know he’s old and would probably much rather sit in his comfy chair at home and watch third rate game shows than work all day on a Hollywood movie set, but God damn it I needs me some Leslie Nielsen. I know his latest work hasn’t been that great – I’m talking about Scary Movie 3 and 4 – but every time I see his aging face it always reminds me of the Naked Gun movies. I don’t care what anybody says, the first two Naked Gun movies were two of the funniest movies ever. Far funnier than the crap you kids watch today, what with your The Notebook, and No Country For Old Men, and La Vie En Rose (none of those movies were comedies, and La Vie En Rose wasn’t even in English). So what, you’re saying it has to be in English for it to be funny? (You’re the one who said it wasn’t funny, and the point is it’s not even a comedy.) You’re damn right it wasn’t a comedy. I didn’t laugh once while watching that tragic piece of crap. Anyway, what I’m saying is that you people need to watch the first two Naked Gun movies. You can go ahead and skip the third one, although it does have its moments. And that O.J. Simpson fellow was great in it. What ever happened to that guy anyway? I saw big things for him. I imagined he was going to make his way onto the cover of every major newspaper and you wouldn’t be able to turn on a television without seeing him on it. But I guess he must have just retired into the quiet wilderness of Idaho and we haven’t heard from him since. Anyway, (you say anyway a lot, which suggests you go off on many tangents, maybe you should stop) probably, but then again I like to write whatever pops in my mind and not really stick to the scripted bullshit I came up with before I started writing. But anyway, Leslie Nielsen, you’re a Jerk!!
Creep of the week
The Show How I Met Your Mother – First off I should state that I hate this show and anyone who watches it is a complete idiot. So anyway, I was watching How I Met Your Mother, or as I call it HIMYM, the other day and the show opened with Barney, the women loving chauvinist who is ironically played by the gay Neil Patrick Harris, telling a joke to – oh damn, what the hell is the name of that character again, Chris? – Lily, who is played by Alyson Hannigan better known as the “this one time at band camp” girl, and in the show you get to hear the setup for a joke but you never get to hear the punch line. I hate when shows do this. They give you part of something and then you have to go to google and do the legwork to find the rest of it. Well I understand why they couldn’t tell the punch line to the joke since this is a Network TV show and it was a filthy joke. But I wish if the show was going to tell the setup to an extremely dirty joke they would have picked a better joke so it’d be more satisfying when I looked up the answer on the interweb. The setup was, “what’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?” I’m not even going to give you the punch line because it’s way too disgusting. But I will tell you that I can’t peanut butter my penis up your ass. See, that’s not even a funny joke. How are you supposed to peanut butter a penis up an ass anyway? It makes no sense. Oh, wait a second. But you can jam a penis up an ass. I get it now. Wow, that’s fucking hilarious. But still, The Show How I Met Your Mother, you’re a JERK!