Quote of the Week: Boredom

I am never bored anywhere; being bored is an insult to oneself – Pierre-Jules Renard.

Somehow my being bored all the time now makes sense. When I think about it I’m not bored that often and I think what I have to thank for that is my never shutting up mind. Often I’d take boredom over some of the stupid things my mind would have me think about, not to distract me from boredom, but rather just to fuck with me. I remember when I was a kid and was trying to get to sleep I’d often think about death or spiders or that blue clown doll that belonged to my dead grandma that my mom had hanging up in my room. I didn’t think about those things because they helped soothe me to sleep, but instead because I hated those things and they scared me and my mind knew I hated to think about those things, so around the age of eight I figured out that if I didn’t want to think about something it meant my mind was going to fuck with me and make sure there was no way that I could not think about those things. By the way I hated that blue clown hung up in my room but I couldn’t take it down because it was my dead grandma’s and for some reason that gave it some worth, not monetarily of course because nothing my family has is worth any money, but rather it had emotional value, which I’ve come to find is pretty worthless, kidding of course.

The point of the previous paragraph was not only to inform you that I’m afraid of blue clown dolls once belonging to my grandma, but also to point out that my mind keeps me free from boredom, not in the greatest of fashions, but it’s not all bad. I used to play with rocks, and I had a good time doing it. On rainy days I would be disappointed because I couldn’t go outside and play with my rocks. Mr. Pebblestone and Ms. Igneous had to have their wedding postponed for a week because of a snow storm. It turned out to be a good thing because Mr. Pebblestone found out Ms. Igneous was sleeping with Granite, the body building rock from down the street. And in turn Ms. Igneous caught Mr. Pebblestone sleeping with Sedimentary, the local harlot. Rocks tend to have strong sexual urges, and my childhood mind was very perverted (so nothing’s changed) I’d argue I’m more perverted now, but only for the sake of humor!

If a person is bored shouldn’t that person be held accountable for being bored? (there was absolutely no segue from the last paragraph to this one) I don’t believe in segues, I also don’t believe in people who blame their boredom on anyone other than themselves. If you’re bored than do something about it. Read a book. Get out some crayons and draw a pretty picture of a unicorn fucking Rush Limbaugh with its horn. Masturbate for Christ’s sake. I don’t care if you’re at your family union. If anything the oddity of masturbating at the reunion will take away any iota of boredom remaining, and will make it the most memorable reunion ever. Use your mind to think about something that interests you. Not only will it distract you from boredom but it will help you organize your thoughts on the subject and in turn make you more well equipped when discussing that subject with friends. Talk to yourself out load if you have to, I know I do and it’s absolutely fascinating (no it’s not) it’s worrisome at times because I get a little carried away and begin to seriously think something must be wrong with me, but those worrisome thoughts bother me no more, because I now know there is something extremely wrong with me.

Today I unexpectedly ended up talking about the thing I wanted to talk about a couple of days ago

Today is Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day, and in honor of him I will post a few of his quotes and say whatever comes to my mind after reading them. Also I will go the whole day without making any racist jokes (that seems like something you should be trying to do everyday). I’m a man not a machine. But if I were a machine I would hope I’d be an environmentally friendly machine that ran off the sun’s rays. Unless I was a black machine, then I’d run off chicken, watermelon and grape soda (I thought you said no racist jokes today) how was that racist? I thought I was just stating a fact? (You disgust me, sir). Never as much as I disgust myself.

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?’”

My answer: almost nothing. Luckily I can live with myself because I do even less for myself. Throughout my life I have done very little in terms of helping others. In fact I would argue that my existence on this planet has been hurtful towards humanity. I’ve at least set back evolution a generation. But all jokes aside (those were jokes?) I’ve been thinking about the situation in Haiti a lot, I’m not sure why, it’s only been plastered all over television and the internet the past week. As I have stated previously I have done very little to help others. So this might be a brazen move, but I ask that you considered making a donation toward Haiti relief. But don’t send your money to one of those ‘charitable organizations’. Instead send your money to my house and I’ll make sure the money gets where it needs to be, which is in my pocket. But all jokes aside (you said that already, yet you continue with the bad jokes) whatever, I know you can’t all afford to donate much money. For example David’s got a cocaine addiction he needs to support. Also he owes six thousand dollars in child support for his five bastard children. Plus he owes the mafia ten grand for losing a bet on last years world series. He bet on the Portland Timbers not realizing they weren’t playing in the world series, and aren’t even a baseball team at all, but instead a minor league soccer team, but that kind of thing will happen when you’re a gambling addict. David has many problems. I’ve tried having an intervention for him but he’s barricaded himself in his house and stands on the roof in his underwear and anyone who steps on his lawn he shoots at. But all (if you say ‘jokes aside’ I’m going to kill you) the pretty houses wasn’t a great movie (terrible cover). I’m just saying come this weekend if you’re going to the movies how about instead you stay at home open a book, read it if you must, and donate ten bucks to Haiti relief. It might not make you feel any better. In fact it might make you feel worst. You might desperately miss the money and realized that’s money you could have put towards buying porn. And then you might contemplate suicide for the next hour and call a suicide hotline and talk to a nice young lad named Jerome who will convince you to put the gun down and take a nice warm bath with a cup of tea. I’m not speaking from experience by the way. Like hell I’d ever donate money towards anything good. But you should, because you’re good people. And don’t do it because it’s the right thing to do. Wait, that’s exactly why you should do it, because it’s the right thing to do. What the hell does ten bucks mean to you anyway? If it means the one meal you can afford to put on the table for your child a day, then that’s okay, you don’t need to donate any money. But if it means a trip to the movies, or a CD, or some weed, then I suggest you ask yourself how important that is to you and weigh that against helping others who don’t even have the luxury of wasting money every week on stuff they don’t even need. Martin Luther King Jr. died for his cause. You can’t tell me spending ten dollars to help people in need is too much to ask.

Well that ending wasn’t as impactful as I would have hoped, but nothing ever is.

Quote of the Week: Not a Good One This Week

Television is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness, and then is suddenly gone – Hodding Carter

I despise television news on both the local and national level. Brian Williams makes me wanna puke. I was going to make some stupid joke about Brian Williams not making me want to puke because he’s a bad news anchor, but rather for some other reason, like he reminds me of peanut butter underwear for some strange reason, but I decided not to make the joke because I really don’t like Brian Williams as a news anchor. I think he’s spectacularly boring. I much prefer ABC’s Charles Gibson, although now he’s retired. And I by far prefer Katie Couric to them both, but that might just be because I have an affinity for breasts, although she ain’t doing too great in that department (not to mention she’s pretty well covered up usually, because she’s giving the news, not doing porn).  I once went to the naked news website, for research purposes of course (of course) and two of the ladies were attractive but the rest were spectacularly unappealing (quit using the word spectacularly). I’m just saying, why not have attractive women giving the news to make it more interesting? Especially if the girls are going to be naked they should be attractive. Fox news does it right. They put a hot chicks in front of the camera and just lie, lie, lie, but it doesn’t matter because people will watch because they’re hot (typical liberal view of Fox news) well let’s be honest they’re not the best provided of unbiased news (they’re the worst) but God damn is that Bill O’Reilly sexy. Well not really of course, and he’s seems to be set in his ways, which isn’t good, but he sure knows how to get ratings, and after all that’s what’s most important. And while on the subject of douche nozzles, that Glenn Beck can die and it would probably help me sleep at night. Even before I found out he was a crazy Republican desperate for attention I hated him. I help my mother do her theater work sometimes, and I would have to watch the ads that came on before the trailers, and he had an ad there for one of his ‘comedy/warm hearted story’ specials and the first time I saw it I hated his guts immediately, but after the one hundredth time of seeing it I wanted him dead. Glenn Beck is such a fucking shame to any credibility this human race had. I know I’m starting to sound like Keith Olbermann, who I’m sure all of you are aware of, but I think Olbermann mostly hates him because of their difference in political views, whereas I hate Glenn Beck because he is the least funny person in the entire world. Even less funny than dane cook, and that’s saying a whole lot. (This wasn’t supposed to turn into a rant on Gleen Beck) well it has. Glenn Beck you are a drain on this society, you provide no good to anyone, when you die I will dance on your grave wearing donkey hooves (political joke) and I sincerely hope your tongue falls out so you can no longer poison your retarded listeners with your fucking insane political ideas, and even worst, your fucking God damn jokes that make me want to kill myself because I’m ashamed to share this world with someone who makes the Walmart greeter’s lame jokes sound like Richard Pryor. Glenn Beck, you’re a JERK!!!! (This isn’t the Jerk Report) oh, sentence retracted then. I apologize Mr. Beck. I like Keith Olbermann on the Sunday Night Football show, but the few times I’ve seen his political show I didn’t really enjoy it much. Just saying.

Wow, I did not know that was what I was going to end up writing based on that quote. I had planned on doing a pretty lame joke about how I don’t watch the news or read any newspapers so I have no idea what the Iraq war is when people bring it up, but I’m just going to have to skip all that. I should really just stop planning on what I’m going to write because I always get distracted and end up writing about something completely different. Usually penises, but this time it was Glenn Beck, who actually kind of fits the category because after all he is a colossal dick.