#16 No Title

#16 Alive With The Glory Of Love by Say Anything

“When I watch you, I want to do you right where you’re standing, right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view of the whole ghetto. The boots stomp meadows, but we ignore that. You’re lovely, baby. This war is crazy. I won’t let you down. Hell no, I won’t let them take you.”

            I have been executing this week with an extremely proficient amount of laziness. Just half an hour ago I started working out only to stop after about two minutes due to nothing other than not really feeling like working out. I only made it two minutes because I spent that time trying to argue myself into continuing to work out. Instead I compromised and told myself, “Okay you complete piece of shit, if you aren’t going to work out you’re at least going to write, because there’s no way I’m going to let you be a complete piece of shit for the day.” And I of course responded, “But you started off by calling me a complete piece of shit?” And I of course responded with, “Yes, you are a complete piece of shit in life, but for the day perhaps you can actually accomplish something.” And I of course responded, “Oh.”

So here I am, writing, but without any idea of what I’m going to write about. You’d think, or at least there was a time when I’d think, this song would easily springboard me into thousands of, at least nonsensical, topics I could get four or five not completely unworthwhile paragraphs out of. But no, my mind is wrought with nothingness other than a vague recollection of how the word wrought can properly be used.

My floor is covered in papers. Old papers wrought with incomplete ideas for things I’ll never do. My room is small and I never throw anything out, even notebooks that my kitty peed on more than a year ago. I threw that notebook deep in my closet and recently pulled it out, flipped through it, and commented to myself, “Really, even though this is covered in kitty pee I found these ideas worth keeping?” Honestly, I think they are worth keeping. I have not an idea what those ideas actually were, but they could springboard into greater ideas that actually turn into something someday. I don’t know what it is with me and not throwing things away. Hoarders are popular these days. I don’t think I’ll be the level of appearing on the show, but I do have a problem. Just hours ago I was hesitant to throw away a stray piece of paper with nothing but math problems on it from over a year ago. When would I ever need that paper again? Never, is the answer. Yet it took me explaining to myself for 15 seconds that there would never in my life be a situation where that piece of paper would be of use to me before I finally threw it away. Well, recycled actually. When not dumping old car batteries into ocean areas heavily populated with baby dolphins I like to be green.

Holy shit, some guy just busted in my room with a gun to my head telling me he’s going to kill me unless I can show him a visual representation of what quadratic equations look like in graph form…mother fucker.

I think I have to go.

blah……………………………………………..

The Grammys are on tonight. I don’t care. I may or may not watch them. No one is performing that I care about and since I have the internet now I don’t need to record Beyonce’s performance and keep rewatching it while I jerk off, not that I ever did do that (seriously though, that never happened, at least not with Beyonce).

I’ve decided to take a different route for writing tonight, however I will leave the above paragraph as a constant reminder that I in no way want to write about the Grammys. However this leaves me with nothing to write about for today. This has become a common occurrence over the past month. Ah, I just realized what I can write about. A mini update on my new year resolutions.

The guitar playing is going well I suppose. I still don’t know how to play any songs but I haven’t really been trying to learn any songs. The idea of playing a song written by another person sort of disgusts me in a way. It feels like the equivalent of if I wrote something that was already written by another person. I guess playing a song written by another person is kind of like when people quote another person, which seems to be an acceptable act in our society. An act I don’t quite like. I’ll admit I’m more than just a little jealous. If I were to play a song by another person, or read a passage from a book I didn’t write, to someone and they quite enjoyed it I’d feel a little bad because they were enjoying something I didn’t create. That’s a jealous thought right? I get that it’s a little different with music because you’d be playing another person’s song but it still takes some talent to know how to play the song. But it just feels wrong to me.  But again I think that comes mostly from a jealous stand point (wow, this paragraph has been extremely unfunny). Not everything I do has to be funny (well nothing is ever funny) well not everything I do needs to be an attempt at being funny (it need to be interesting at least) and this wasn’t interesting? (have you read it?) no (read it) okay. Wow, that totally wasn’t interesting (told you).

School is going so-so I guess. I don’t think I’ll be able to make my goal of transferring within the year. Lately school has seemed rather pointless and useless, but I know it’s something I have to do in order to not feel like a complete and utter failure in life for the moment. The math homework is beating the shit out of me. When I’m doing the homework its fine but I’m just too lazy to get up the energy to get the homework out and start doing it because math plays no fucking part in what I want to do with my life so I find it fucking pointless that I’m forced to take it in order to transfer. It’s fucking useless! But I’ve recently bitched about math so I’m not going to do it again. At least not here, but I’m calling David immediately to bitch some more.

The dream of doing stand up comedy has not become a nightmare yet, which is a bad thing, because at least if it were I nightmare I would have attempted it. It’s been one month and I haven’t gotten up on stage at all, except for amateur night at Willy’s Big Peter, which turned out not to be a comedy club, but it wasn’t a total bust because I made 31 dollars in ones and took home a trophy for third place. I haven’t been writing any comedy bits. I’m so fucking lazy. It’s beginning to take a toll on my life (it’s been taking a toll the last 22 years). I can’t do anything by myself. I need the motivation of having people to count on me to get anything done. I can’t do anything for myself. I just don’t see the point.

I’ve been writing everyday so that’s good I guess.

The Jerk Report: A lazy effort

Serena Williams – In this past week’s US Open tennis tournament Serena Williams got in trouble for threatening a line judge in a tennis match after the line judge had penalized her for a foot fault, otherwise known has Serena Williams having her foot on the line while she was serving. Serena Williams had some choice words for the line judge, which were something along the lines of Williams wanting to conduct an experiment to see if she could fit a tennis ball down the line judge’s throat. The line judge didn’t seem to want to partake in the experiment. I don’t know if you saw the line judge, but she appeared to be a very small middle aged Asian woman. Serena had to be at least twice her size and four times her body mass. And let me add this about Serena Williams’ physical appearance. I’ve never been more confused when looking at a woman than when looking at her. I can’t figure out if I want to masturbate, because she has a nice butt and huge juggs, or if I want to puke, because she has the arms and legs of a body builder, and I don’t mean a female body builder. If you painted her green you’d have the perfect mate for the incredible hulk. I don’t know why Serena Williams felt she had to threaten that little Asian line judge, but Serena Williams, you’re a Jerk!

Laziness – Oh fuck, I’ve felt so lazy these past few days. It’s been as annoying as a chipmunk shitting in a Gucci purse. And as showcased in the previous sentence my writing has been lazy too. Every word takes so much effort to think of and then type out, and then when I finally complete a sentence its never any good  and usually contains the words masturbation, breasts, penis, small (although small usually comes before penis) and salubrious. And I don’t even know what that last one means, and I’m too lazy to look it up. Laziness, you’re a Jerk!!

Creep of the Week

Kanye West – I’m assuming we all know what Kanye West did because we all have TVs and its been all over the news. And don’t tell me you’re one of those people who don’t watch TV, because let me tell you a little secret, those people don’t exist. So Taylor Swift won the MTV award for best female video or something like that and then Kanye West interrupted her and ruined her moment by announcing to the world that Beyonce’s video was one of the best videos of all time. First of all I don’t get that. I’ve seen that video (many times while masturbating) and I find nothing special about it. But then again I hate almost all music videos. What I most love was how Kanye West first turned to Taylor Swift and said, ‘no disrespect’ and then went on to basically say that Beyonce should have won, which is a little disrespectful. I would feel bad for Taylor Swift but I can guarantee you her record sales will go up and that means more money for her. And I can guarantee that because in a week from now you aren’t going to go look at her records sales and then write me back about how I was wrong. As far as Kanye goes, I’m trying to figure out if he loves Black people or hates White people. I get the feeling it’s a little bit of both. I’m sure we all remember back a few years ago when he accused George W. Bush of hating Black people. I don’t think George W. Bush likes Black people, but I don’t think he hates Black people, or at least not as much as he hates Mexicans. But either way I think we can agree that the way Kanye West went about calling out George W. Bush on his hatred of Black people was less than classy. Mr. West just has a way of doing things in the least classy way possible. Kanye West, you’re a JERK!