#76 MakeDamnSure by Taking Back Sunday

“I just wanna break you down so badly, while I trip over everything you say. I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worst way. I’m gonna make damn sure that you can’t ever leave. No, you won’t ever get too far from me.”

I don’t know if this kind of psychological thinking goes on in the heads of jackasses when they’re being dickheads to their girlfriends, but I think the situation where a guy, or I suppose it’s possible it could be a girl, breaks down their significant other to the point where they no longer feel like they could be without them happens a lot more than on rare occasions. I’ve seen it a few times in real life where one of my jerk friends is dating a sweet girl and I can’t for the life of me understand what she sees in him. My first thought is that he must have a huge penis to match his huge ego. My second thought is a lot more macabre, and that her parents were mean to her so the only kind of love she knows is the mean kind of ‘love’. My third thought was horribly disgusting and I wouldn’t dare write it here, but if you email me I’d be glad to share it with you. And no it wasn’t rape, but a little too close.

I don’t get the whole thing where guys put down their girls while they think their self is the greatest thing on earth. First off if the guy is so great why is he dating a girl who he keeps calling dumb? (Because she has big breasts?) Ah yes, big breasts concur all. But not in this scenario, because she’s not really dumb, he’s just calling her dumb because he’s a jerk. Sometimes the girl catches on to this and leaves the guy before it gets to deep. But far too many times the girl is pulled in by the gravity of the guy’s massive jackassholery.

I like to go the other way. I’ve mentioned it before and it was just as true then as it is now, but I’ll tell a girl a million ways she’s wonderful, never lying, and tell her a million ways I’m horrible, sometimes in jest but mostly just good old fashion self deprecation, and then explain to her how she deserves much better than me, which is probably true. You know what happens next of course. She finds a guy much better than me. Actually no, I disagree. She finds a guy much worse than me, usually one of those jerks who puts her down, but talks ever so highly of himself. I’ve learned the hard way – by watching hours and hours of Jersey Shore – that the douche bag, cocky guy will get a million times more girls than the sweet guy who’s always complimenting the girl – I’ve actually never watched an entire episode of Jersey Shore, and that’s actually the best thing I could ever say about myself.

People buy into the bullshit these cocky egomaniacs say about themselves. I fucking can’t stand it, and it’s most of the reason I will always be very self deprecative even when I don’t particularly believe it, and that’s part of the reason I will spend a good portion of my life alone, with annoying baby kitties who always pee on my stuff. No matter what you say if you say it enough people will start to believe it. I’m convinced of this. And a person would much rather be with a person who considers their self great than a person who considers their self crap. Because if that person is with the person who is great, even though it’s total bullshit and that guys a jackass, – no one particular in mind, expect for the fact that I have someone precisely particular in mind – then they’re great by association. Whereas why would they want to be with the person who considers their self not so great, because that would mean they’re not so great either.

If only there were some kind of middle ground where a guy would think highly of himself while also being ever so sweet to the girl? But alas, we do not live in fairy tales.

The Jerk Report: I Wonder If Andy Samberg Where’s A Thong?

Girl who sat in front of me during the History test – I had a History test the other day in my, ironically, History Class. I sat down in the back corner of the class, which is my favorite place to sit because I can see the whole room which I like to be able to do otherwise I get a little uncomfortable, perhaps this has something to do with OCD but whatever. So as I sit down it’s impossible not to notice that the girl sitting directly in front of me’s thong is showing, and I don’t mean barely showing where I have to strain my eyes to see it, I mean showing like Clay Aiken’s gayness was showing. Just like we all knew Clay Aiken was gay, I could plainly see that this girl was wearing a thong, and I could also see about two square feet of ass on the girl. I don’t know how she didn’t notice her ass was hanging out of her pants, you’d think she would have felt a breeze. But anyway you may be wondering way I’m complaining about her thong showing. Well for one I’m not a particularly huge fan of the thong. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the female posterior as much as the next guy, but thongs, and especially seeing asscracks, do not get my gears going. Whenever I see a girl in a thong all I can think about is how uncomfortable it looks. It looked especially uncomfortable on the girl sitting in front of me. It looked like the sole purpose of this thong’s life was to burrow its way as far as it could up this girl’s asscrack. Whenever I looked at it, which I assure you wasn’t much, my chief concern was that the thong string might break into the skin, and then we’d have ourselves a good old fashion mess on our hands. Also I didn’t enjoy the viewing of the thong because while the girl wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t super attractive either. But most of all I didn’t enjoy it because I was taking a test that day, and it acted as a distraction. Throughout the test thoughts of the thong would pop into my head. I’m sitting there trying to focus on the Salem Witch Trials and all of the sudden I start wondering if Sarah Good wore a thong (those of you who have read the Crucible might enjoy that joke). And also I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy who invented the chair, and I say guy because I know it must have been a guy. I mean there’s the seat of the chair that you sit on, and then there’s the back to the chair so you don’t accidentally lean back and fall, and then, for some reason I haven’t yet found, there’s a open space between the back of the chair and the seat of there chair. A space coincidentally placed perfectly so you can see when a girl’s thong is showing. The guy who invented the chair must have noticed that when he saw girls sitting on rocks and things occasionally their underpants would show, which must have been an extreme turn-on back in the day. So he had this great idea for this thing that would have four legs, a seat, and then a back, and you could sit somewhat comfortably on it, but the only problem was how would you be able to see the girl’s underpants when they sat down? Well easy, he decided to just place an open spot between the seat and the back of the chair so you’d be able to see girl’s underpants when they sat down. And apparently no one questioned him on it. And even if they did I’m sure he just told them it saved material. Well I’m sure that man is the idol of billions of boys throughout history, because I can not begin to tell you how many thongs have been viewable solely because of the open space on the back of chairs. Well that may be enjoyable to some people, but not to me. I can’t enjoy it, my mind just starts flooding with all these weird thoughts that I can’t block out. Like who was the first male to put on a thong? Surely it must have been a gay man? But anyway, girl who sat in front of me during the History Class test, and I’m going to throw in the guy who invented the chair, specifically the open space between the seat and the back, you’re both Jerks!

Creep of the Week

Andy Samberg – First of all this is long over due for Mr. Samberg. Ever since he’s joined SNL, aka Silly Night of Laughs (that’s not what it stands for), it should be, Samberg has produced one Jerk move after the next. First of all he is not good in any of the skits he’s in. Andy Samberg has less talent in his whole body than Keenan Thompson has in his ass. Granted that’s a bulbous caboose Thompson is lugging around – I don’t really like to make fun of people for their weight, but Keenan Thompson is making a lot of money, and I did say he was more talented than Andy Samberg, although that’s not really a complement. Also that whole Dick in a Box video with Justin Timberlake is not as great as everybody thinks it is. It was okay, and it was intriguing and interesting because it was unique, but it annoys the fuck out of me to think about how many innocent girls across America saw that video and confuse it with funny and now would like to sleep with Andy, or at least blow him. Please people can we hold our comedy standards a bit higher? That On a Boat song he did was the worst piece of shit I had ever seen in my life, or so I thought, until I watched SNL last Saturday and saw his newest video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whwFlTrqWZ0. That was perhaps the least enjoyable few minutes of my life. Nothing was funny lyrically, nothing was funny in the video, it was a total mess. The only semblance of good in the video was Elijah Wood and Bobby Moynihan, who is my favorite of the new cast members on SNL, besides the oddly attractive Abby Elliot, and I say oddly because she’s the daughter of Chris Elliot who isn’t anything near good looking, so I’m thinking she didn’t come from his seed by rather that of the milkman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to hate on Andy Samberg. I actually admire him very much. I’m even jealous of him. Do you know what I’d give if I could be as unfunny as him but be able to get laid as much as him? Nothing, because I’m already less funny than him and I don’t even really care about getting laid that much. I just really don’t want anybody to call Andy Samberg a comic genius. He does stupid humor. He sinks to the lowest of lows for comedy, that being penis humor, I mean a dick in a box? Come on! (All you do is penis humor) but my penis humor is tasteful (I’m so glad you didn’t leave out the word humor) oops, I actually meant to leave it out. Anyway, Andy Samberg, you’re a JERK!

The Jerk Report: Ugh!

That thing where you know the name of someone but you can’t think of it at the time and then later at some random moment you remember the name – This happened to me last week when someone brought up the kid from Married with Children and I know his name but at the time I couldn’t think of it for the life of me but I kid you not, less than five minutes ago the name came to me, it’s David Faustino. That’s all I have to say about that. I just wanted to get it off my chest. That thing where you know the name of someone but you can’t think of it at the time and then later at some random moment you remember the name, you’re a Jerk!

Days where it’s sunny, but then rains, and is then sunny again – Listen God, cause I know you’re in charge of the weather, just pick one, either sunny or rainy and that will be it for the day. I’m tired of walking to school in seven layers of clothing protecting myself from the rain and then when I walk home it’s sunny as fuck and my multitude of clothes act as a sauna. And it works vice versa too. I’m tired of having to walk home in the rain when it was sunny in the morning and I walked to school wearing nothing but a tube top and my sexiest booty shorts. I just want the weather to be consistent throughout the day. If it’s going to rain it should rain the whole day. If it’s going to be sunny it should be sunny the whole day. If it’s going to hail, it should never hail. Under my new weather system hail does not exist. The point is that I just don’t want my weather to flip flop. If I wanted a flip flopper I would have voted for John Kerry – I actually would have voted for John Kerry if I was old enough, and I have nothing against him I just thought I should add some political humor here and I thought I could take a easy shot at John Kerry because I know a lot of Republicans read this. But anyway, Days where it’s sunny, but then rains, and is then sunny again, you’re a Jerk!!

Creep of the Week

Guy who sat in front of me in History class – So I was sitting in History class and halfway through we get a ten minute break and during that break the guy who sits in front of me went over to this girl a few seats away and started talking to her about another class they had together or something. So he leaves for a few moments and then comes back with two Scantron sheets in his hand that are used for tests. So he gives one to the girl and she’s like, ‘oh, thanks.’ And he plays it all coy saying, ‘they were only 10 cents so no big deal.’ But he lied! I know for a fact because I bought those same Scantron sheets the week before and they were 15 cents each, not 10 as he had stated. So unless they went on sale within the previous five days he’s a liar. And if he’s not lying and they did go on sale then I’m pissed because I got screwed out of 20 cents – I bought 4 of them. But anyway when the class started back up and the teacher started yapping I notice that the guy sitting in front of me kept looking over at the chick he bought the Scantron sheet for. At first I guess it was fairly innocent, only looking over every couple of minutes and only for a few seconds at a time. But then he went into an all out stare, staring for minutes at a time nonstop.  But the worst thing about it was that he didn’t even seem like he was trying to hide that he was staring. I’m not indicting him for staring at the chick. That would be superb hypocrisy. I stare at chicks all the time. But I hide it, and I hide it damn well. But this guy sitting in front of me didn’t hide it at all. It was a disgrace to the entire male sex. Guy who sat in front of me in History class, you’re a JERK!

The Jerk Report: who likes naps and cereal?

Naps – You’re too wonderful. I keep getting home and I’m so tired but it’s not time to sleep yet but I keep taking naps and it throws me so off schedule that I end up only getting two hours of sleep before school the next day and it kind of sucks. Plus naps are great, but whenever I wake up from one I never feel refreshed, I just feel more tired and like I want to lie in bed all day. I learned in Psychology class that the perfect time for a nap is about 2 and a half hours because it gets you through one full cycle of the sleep cycle. My naps tend to be longer, along the lines of five or six or even seven hours. I know you may be thinking, ‘well that’s not a nap, that’s sleeping.’ No, sleeping for me is ten to sixteen hours. But anyway, I’m tired of writing and need another nap. Naps, you’re Jerks!

Creep(s) of the Week

The people in my house who finished the Frosted Flakes – So I wake up from my afternoon nap and I’m laying in my bed when I remember that there’s Frosted Flakes in the kitchen, which is lucky for me because I’m hungry and I love Frosted Flakes. So I get out of bed, make my way to the kitchen, and great, the box of Frosted Flakes is still sitting there. Now my mouth is salivating with the anticipation of getting those flakes with their sweet frosting into my eating hole. But no! When I picked up the box it was light, too light. I looked inside it and it was empty, too empty, in fact completely empty, devoid of every last frosted crumb. Only the wonderful smell remained, taunting me. First of all this is a problem I run across a lot in my household, people not throwing away empty boxes. The God damn recycling bag is right in the fucking kitchen. You take no steps to get to it from where the cereal is. You just turn around and place the empty box of Frosted Flakes in the fucking bag. It takes no time, and that benefit is that we don’t have to live like idiots. But back to me and not getting any Frosted Flakes. Now my choices are Rice Krispies or starve to death. If it wasn’t for sugar I would have chosen death. I have to put a pound of sugar on my Rice Krispies just to boost the taste up to crap. It takes me three pounds of sugar just to get the taste up to something I can stand to swallow, but I’d be better off just eating spoonfuls of sugar at this point. And to make things worst, while I was eating the Rice Krispies a saw a hair floating in the bowl, and as I went to scoop it out with my spoon the Krispies parted and swallowed the hair, hiding it from me, and then mocked me with their snapping, crackling and that God damn popping; I hate the noise of Rice Krispies; it will forever mock me in my dreams. So I never found the hair but that didn’t stop me from finishing every last one of those insipid Rice Krispies. And now they’re not sitting well in my stomach. This whole situation could have been avoided had my mother bought two boxers of Frosted Flakes instead one and also a box of Rice Krispies, which I tend to believe no one likes much because the Frosted Flakes are always gone before the box of Rice Krispies is even opened. (You’re twenty two, why don’t you buy your own damn Frosted Flakes.) No way, I live at home and while I do I’m going to milk it for all I can. And since I brought it up in a way, what’s with the reduced fat milk. I want the fat. I’m all skin and bones, and a few mysterious bumps that I can’t figure out what they are, but the point is I need the milk fat. No, the point is I need my Frosted Flakes. The people in my house who finished the Frosted Flakes, you’re JERKS!

The Jerk Report: A lazy effort

Serena Williams – In this past week’s US Open tennis tournament Serena Williams got in trouble for threatening a line judge in a tennis match after the line judge had penalized her for a foot fault, otherwise known has Serena Williams having her foot on the line while she was serving. Serena Williams had some choice words for the line judge, which were something along the lines of Williams wanting to conduct an experiment to see if she could fit a tennis ball down the line judge’s throat. The line judge didn’t seem to want to partake in the experiment. I don’t know if you saw the line judge, but she appeared to be a very small middle aged Asian woman. Serena had to be at least twice her size and four times her body mass. And let me add this about Serena Williams’ physical appearance. I’ve never been more confused when looking at a woman than when looking at her. I can’t figure out if I want to masturbate, because she has a nice butt and huge juggs, or if I want to puke, because she has the arms and legs of a body builder, and I don’t mean a female body builder. If you painted her green you’d have the perfect mate for the incredible hulk. I don’t know why Serena Williams felt she had to threaten that little Asian line judge, but Serena Williams, you’re a Jerk!

Laziness – Oh fuck, I’ve felt so lazy these past few days. It’s been as annoying as a chipmunk shitting in a Gucci purse. And as showcased in the previous sentence my writing has been lazy too. Every word takes so much effort to think of and then type out, and then when I finally complete a sentence its never any good  and usually contains the words masturbation, breasts, penis, small (although small usually comes before penis) and salubrious. And I don’t even know what that last one means, and I’m too lazy to look it up. Laziness, you’re a Jerk!!

Creep of the Week

Kanye West – I’m assuming we all know what Kanye West did because we all have TVs and its been all over the news. And don’t tell me you’re one of those people who don’t watch TV, because let me tell you a little secret, those people don’t exist. So Taylor Swift won the MTV award for best female video or something like that and then Kanye West interrupted her and ruined her moment by announcing to the world that Beyonce’s video was one of the best videos of all time. First of all I don’t get that. I’ve seen that video (many times while masturbating) and I find nothing special about it. But then again I hate almost all music videos. What I most love was how Kanye West first turned to Taylor Swift and said, ‘no disrespect’ and then went on to basically say that Beyonce should have won, which is a little disrespectful. I would feel bad for Taylor Swift but I can guarantee you her record sales will go up and that means more money for her. And I can guarantee that because in a week from now you aren’t going to go look at her records sales and then write me back about how I was wrong. As far as Kanye goes, I’m trying to figure out if he loves Black people or hates White people. I get the feeling it’s a little bit of both. I’m sure we all remember back a few years ago when he accused George W. Bush of hating Black people. I don’t think George W. Bush likes Black people, but I don’t think he hates Black people, or at least not as much as he hates Mexicans. But either way I think we can agree that the way Kanye West went about calling out George W. Bush on his hatred of Black people was less than classy. Mr. West just has a way of doing things in the least classy way possible. Kanye West, you’re a JERK!

The Jerk Report

I stole the concept of the Jerk Report from Dave Dameshek. Yes, the same Dave Dameshek none of you have ever heard of.

Puking – The other day I had some Cranberry-Apple juice. When I took a sip of it from my lavender cup it didn’t taste good at all. In fact it tasted quite awful. So of course I drank down the whole cup. Two hours later I found myself keeled over the toilet with burning pink liquid flowing out my mouth. Puking is really one of the most uncomfortable experiences in this life. It’s more uncomfortable than the time my mom walked in on me masturbating (that never happened) but if it did I imagine puking would be more uncomfortable. I mean the whole having my head halfway in the toilet bowl is quite the comical scene. I pooped and peed in that same toilet bowl less than an hour ago too. Luckily the lingering smell of my fecal matter wasn’t as strong because I had puke dripping out my nostrils. After puking I did feel much better, and I was glad for that. But Puking, you’re a Jerk!

Leslie Nielsen – Where the hell has Leslie Nielsen been anyway? I know he’s old and would probably much rather sit in his comfy chair at home and watch third rate game shows than work all day on a Hollywood movie set, but God damn it I needs me some Leslie Nielsen. I know his latest work hasn’t been that great – I’m talking about Scary Movie 3 and 4 – but every time I see his aging face it always reminds me of the Naked Gun movies. I don’t care what anybody says, the first two Naked Gun movies were two of the funniest movies ever. Far funnier than the crap you kids watch today, what with your The Notebook, and No Country For Old Men, and La Vie En Rose (none of those movies were comedies, and La Vie En Rose wasn’t even in English). So what, you’re saying it has to be in English for it to be funny? (You’re the one who said it wasn’t funny, and the point is it’s not even a comedy.) You’re damn right it wasn’t a comedy. I didn’t laugh once while watching that tragic piece of crap. Anyway, what I’m saying is that you people need to watch the first two Naked Gun movies. You can go ahead and skip the third one, although it does have its moments. And that O.J. Simpson fellow was great in it. What ever happened to that guy anyway? I saw big things for him. I imagined he was going to make his way onto the cover of every major newspaper and you wouldn’t be able to turn on a television without seeing him on it. But I guess he must have just retired into the quiet wilderness of Idaho and we haven’t heard from him since. Anyway, (you say anyway a lot, which suggests you go off on many tangents, maybe you should stop) probably, but then again I like to write whatever pops in my mind and not really stick to the scripted bullshit I came up with before I started writing. But anyway, Leslie Nielsen, you’re a Jerk!!

Creep of the week

The Show How I Met Your Mother – First off I should state that I hate this show and anyone who watches it is a complete idiot. So anyway, I was watching How I Met Your Mother, or as I call it HIMYM, the other day and the show opened with Barney, the women loving chauvinist who is ironically played by the gay Neil Patrick Harris, telling a joke to – oh damn, what the hell is the name of that character again, Chris? – Lily, who is played by Alyson Hannigan better known as the “this one time at band camp” girl, and in the show you get to hear the setup for a joke but you never get to hear the punch line. I hate when shows do this. They give you part of something and then you have to go to google and do the legwork to find the rest of it. Well I understand why they couldn’t tell the punch line to the joke since this is a Network TV show and it was a filthy joke. But I wish if the show was going to tell the setup to an extremely dirty joke they would have picked a better joke so it’d be more satisfying when I looked up the answer on the interweb. The setup was, “what’s the difference between peanut butter and jam?” I’m not even going to give you the punch line because it’s way too disgusting. But I will tell you that I can’t peanut butter my penis up your ass. See, that’s not even a funny joke. How are you supposed to peanut butter a penis up an ass anyway? It makes no sense. Oh, wait a second. But you can jam a penis up an ass. I get it now. Wow, that’s fucking hilarious. But still, The Show How I Met Your Mother, you’re a JERK!