#11 You’re What Keeps Me Believing

#11 I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything

“You’re what keeps me believing the world’s not gone dead, strength in my bones, put the words in my head. When they pour out to paper, it’s all for you. ‘Cause that’s what you do.”

            Her and I will never be together. I think she’s okay with that and I’m finally okay with that. She’ll always love me. I believe that. It’s not the kind of love I wanted from her at first, but it’s the kind of love that keeps me going some times. I’ll always love her. I’ll always care about her. Despite all the negative things I’ve said, and I’ve said more than she deserves, and all the alluding to Her hurting me that I’ve written about, she’s probably done more good to my life than anyone except my mother. I might not be here writing this right now if it wasn’t for her. It was from my time with Her that I discovered who I really was, and wanted to be, and my love for creativity was finally realized. I knew I liked it, but I didn’t know it was who I had to be. She helped me discover that, whether she knows it or not she was a huge part of me finding myself, and beginning my journey to true happiness. If it wasn’t for her right now I’d probably be a successful Lawyer with millions of dollars, a house way bigger than I’d ever need, a six figure sports car that goes way faster than I dare drive, and have a hot wife with impractically big boobies….but I wouldn’t be happy. Not that I’m happy now (he says laughing) but I’m on my way to being happy. I’ll get there.

This deserves more explaining than I care to give. At first I figured it was because I’m lazy, but I’m starting to think it’s because as I grow older I grow less fondly of remembering the past. Even the good parts. Obviously this doesn’t bode well for my sanity. Obviously I’ll pretend not to care.

I keep forgetting that I can write this any way I want to. I took a break to pee, put in another load of laundry – because I’m running low on masturbation socks (if only that were a joke) – and get a glass of cranberry juice, which I didn’t end up doing. But during that I was talking to myself, not out loud of course, and saying that it’s my writing, I can do it any way I want to, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Sadly most of the things I create I don’t do for myself. I’m willing to admit that I do them with the intention of having other people see it and then praise me as if I were their God, or something slightly less narcissistic than that. However, I get joy from other people approving of me. Sad, but true. So it’s kind of doing it for myself However, once again, I don’t go out of my way to do something I don’t believe is myself, or that I hate doing, just to get attention. Sure I once ran around the block naked in a nice area while beating around my penis so some blood would flow into it so it wouldn’t appear so small to the few ladies at the shindig – it pretty much looked like I was killing two birds with one stone by jerking off during my midnight jog, but I say whatever gets a man to sleep at night is fine by me – but I didn’t want to do that, I had to do that because I lost a bet during a game of beer pong (and the point of this story is?) no point, I just want people to visualize me naked.

She was the first person I wanted to create for, or rather I felt that I needed to create for, that I needed her approval, that her approval meant something because it was coming from a place that was honest and therefore important and validating. For whatever reason she liked my writing, and it wasn’t because I was tall, dark, and handsome with six pack abs (because none of those things are true….short, pale and gruesome with two crooked abs that make the stomach look deformed).

I discovered her writing – I say it as if she was a bum in the park and I came across her cat pissed on notebook and found majestic poetry that’s now sold in Starbucks across America and half of Vietnam – and quickly fell in awe of her. She was so passionate, which as a new blog reader I had yet to see. I immediately wanted her approval, and it was only slightly because at that point she was the most adorable thing I had ever seen. That was just a benefit. She writes the way I wish I could. Her sentences compose not words, but beauty, soul, emotion. She presents wisdom and enlightenment through entertainment and humor. I make small penis jokes and bitch about being lonely, which is arguably the same as what she does, just way, way, way less intelligent, and oh yeah, not the same at all.

I still strive for her approval. I have no idea if she’s aware of it, or ever will be aware of it. I hope she knows I’m proud of her, and all that she’s trying to accomplish, and all that she’s going to accomplish, because she’s going to accomplish a lot. And with every accomplishment she makes it’s just going to motivate me more and more to try and impress her, create more, try to live up to the expectations she once had of me.

I don’t know, I guess what all of this was supposed to say, but I ironically failed at (is it ironic?) maybe? (Probably not) is that I never really believed in myself until her. I talk about wanting her approval. She gave me her approval. I forget it sometimes. She believed in me. I guess more than wanting her approval – although I so desperately still want her approval – I don’t want to disappoint her. I want to be something and have her think, “I always knew he could do it,” because I know she’s going to be something, every guy will want to be with her, and every girl will want to be her – and be with her because every girl is bisexual now – and her brilliance will be showcased all across the world and I’ll be thinking, “I always knew you could do it, and I know you’re still going to do so much more.”

If she reads this I just want Her to know that every time I write she’s a part of it….I mean the good parts, not the small dick jokes part…except when I allude to my penis being the size of a pinky, she’s a large part of that. Anyway, thanks for keeping me believing in something, Dyana.

#88…wait, what? Oh, I mean #12

#12 Trace Those Steps by Promise Of Redemption

This is a weird song, because when I think about it I wonder if it even deserves a spot on the list at all, but when I listen to it, which I just did – I always listen to the songs, sometimes multiple times, right before I write about them…by the way the first time I wrote that I wrote right in place of write and write in place of right, this angers me – I can’t help but wonder if this song should have made it in the top fifty, which in all honesty is still possible. Well only theoretically, and only from the point of me writing this right now, by the time you read this you’ll know where the song is placed, but as I’m writing this it’s currently at 88, but I might postpone it’s placement and write something up for another song and let this song make its way up the list a little more, but to be truthful I can’t see it anywhere but a place that begins with an 8, excluding the single digit 8.

Because I currently love so many songs by Promise of Redemption, which is the side/solo project of Shane Henderson the lead singer of the band Valencia which doesn’t have a song on this list and I don’t really like that much aside from a couple songs, I have decided to write some lyrics from a few of my most favorite Promise of Redemption songs and then write a little about it. I’ll link them so you can click on them and listen to the songs on youtube if you’d like, which I suggest. Also all of the songs are from the album When The Flowers Bloom, which I strongly prefer to the first album Lights That Flicker Will Surely Fade.

            “But if you listen to the sound of my heart beat you know you can truly tell. The feeling that you get when our eyes meet, it’s something more than you’ve ever felt.”

            Those are my favorite lyrics from the song Oh The Way. I like the use of the senses. Sound of the heart beat, sight of eyes meeting, and then the indescribable feeling one has when knowing their in love with a person and feeling something spectacular (you are aware you first said indescribable feeling and then went on to describe it as spectacular, right?) My explanation for that is that I have no idea how to actually describe spectacular, so to me they’re one in the same. There’s something magical about eyes, as opposed to heart beats that are pure science and do nothing but keep us alive. Sometimes I look at my eyes in the mirror really close for minutes at a time. It’s actually kind of creepy, but they’re just so damn beautiful. Well not really my eyes, but eyes in general. I’m not a spiritual man in any way, except for my devout Catholicism (that’s a joke), but I wouldn’t be completely 100% opposed to the idea that the actual occurrence of true love between two beings occurs through a process that happens when the two beings are staring in each others eyes. I’m going to write a novella based on that premise. On second thought I’m going to say I’m going to write a novella but completely forget about it two days from now.

            “It just doesn’t make sense that life is so precious, and all this time I’ve been wondering why is this supposed to be my reality. It’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to me.”

            Sunsets and Pictures: I often try to grasp the idea that this life I’m living is my reality and I’m stuck with it and for whatever reason all the ‘choices’ in my life have led me here. Apparently my ‘choices’ have been really shitty. Life of course isn’t fair. I think it’s more than fair to me. If I were a starving kid in Senegal I would have to assume that’d be more than I deserved, so what I have now is definitely very, very fair. Even though I don’t believe in God and hate religion that’s part of the reason I wish there was a Heaven. I wish the people who were handed bad lives and never got a ‘choice’, the kind of ‘choice’ I get everyday but continue to waste, would get wonderful after lives. I hope this is all one huge test. And that there is some kind of greater being with some kind of magnificent afterlife, but instead of being judged on how much we believe in God, and how much money we give to church, and how blindly we follow some book, we’re judge on what kind of people we are, and how we treat others, and how we fought through all the excuses we had to be bad people, like growing up poor and having shitty parents and being beaten, and instead we did the best to be the best kind of people we could be, and we didn’t do it because we thought we would be rewarded in Heaven for all eternity, but we did it because we knew that it was the right thing to do.

            “I’m sorry won’t cut it for the rest of your life. Get over yourself and say goodbye. I hope you realize you threw away the best thing that ever happened to you. Forget my name, forget my face, hope you hit your head and your memory gets erased, so I never have to deal with you again.”

            Okay, so I’m a liar, this song, Away We Go, is from the album Lights That Flicker Will Surely Fade, which I said I wasn’t going to include a song from, but I really like these lyrics. I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted to say this to a girl. But these thoughts always go away very fast. For me sorry will cut it, because I always feel like I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I always feel like I was the one who did something wrong. I feel like I could have been better, and then whichever thing she should be sorry for would have never happened. And I don’t want her to realize she threw away the best thing that ever happened to her, because I don’t know if that’s really the case. I constantly feel like she’ll do better. And she will forget my name and my face, which I don’t want to happen. I want to deal with her again. I constantly want to deal with her again, which is sad.

            “Cause these days are so long, and these drinks are so tall, and I’ve been spending my time counting the minutes just to feel consistent. Looking for you in every aspect of the world. There’s just no sunset, butterfly or rainbow that could compare to you, girl.”

            Rough Road Leads to the Stars: I feel like I’m looking for aspects of her in other girls, which is of course a bad thing because the other girls never live up to both my idealized version of her, and also just the regular version of her. I found someone though who surprisingly I can talk to without thinking of the aforementioned her. It’s interesting.

“So I’ll trace those steps back to where we first met. A place I’ll never forget cause you and I we can’t let all this space between a perfect you and a perfect me. It’s just so hard to believe that you’re gone.”

This is of course from the song that officially holds this spot on my countdown of favorite songs. One thing I love about this song is the overlapped lyrics in the last 30 seconds or so. I think that gives a nice ending to a song, and a nice ending to the album. And now listen to the song and it will give a nice ending to this blog post.

11 months and some odd days later

I can’t explain how this song jumped from 88 all the way to 12, except that I can. Because it’s taken me so much time to complete this list songs have had time to grow on me, which this song never stopped doing. Whenever I would go to place it on the list there were always a few songs I liked less than it, and because I’m slow and unproductive after I would place those songs on the list it would be a couple weeks later and this song would have grown on me some more so there would be more songs I couldn’t put in front of it, until now, where I couldn’t rightfully put any of the next 11 songs behind it.

Possibly more than the previous band on the countdown, Mansions, I’ve went to this band to console me on lonely nights. And where I previously said I didn’t like the album Lights That Flicker Will Surely Fade, I’ve now grown to like it quite a bit with lyrics like

            “This paper always listens and this pen is always by my side.” The Lights That Flicker Will Surely Fade

            “Its’ not hard to say I love you, when you’re far across the states. And now I know that you’re the only one who makes my day. So wait for me to fly to you, and I’ll tell you what I see. The truth I told is the truth I know is that you are what I need.” Dead Of Winter – that one really hits me close.

            “There’s this amazing shade of green, and brown in your eye. And when the light hits them, they shine on so bright. A sparkle in your smile, a scent to your clothes. And every time I’m near you, I wanna hold you so close. We’re far from goodbye.” A Life In Pictures

            I should have mentioned in the first post that some of the songs on When The Flowers Bloom were written after Shane Henderson’s girlfriend died, so it gives the album a creepily sweet and depressing touch that I love so much.

Also I alluded to Dyana a few times when I wrote this almost a year ago, and also talked of a girl who unlike any other I could finally talk to without missing Dyana. That girl was of course Annabelle, who sad to say has pretty much just taken almost the exact spot in my life that Dyana once held. Now if things don’t work out with Annabelle, which I refuse to let happen (sounds creepyish) yeah…I’m just going to be thinking about Annabelle when I talk to any other girl. I thought I was madly in love with Dyana. I was madly in love with Dyana. I still love who she is, and care about her a lot, but because of Annabelle I know I don’t have to be with Dyana to be happy. In a way it’s been good for me, because I know that even if I can’t be with the person I love it doesn’t mean I won’t find someone else who is a better fit for me. So I always know even if things are shit in my love life it doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Of course it could always be that way. That’s scary to think about. But there’s a chance. And that’s really all I need to keep going.

Bad Dreams Of her…not Her but her.

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately, so of course while at David’s new apartment on early Friday night with nothing to do we decided to pick something out of the free selection of Amazon shows that David gets with his Amazon Prime membership, and while I did suggest a PBS Nova science documentary, it was completely his decision to choose the dream episode – not only was this choice apt because I had been dreaming a lot lately, but I was extremely tired from having been up since two that morning so what better to take my mind off sleeping than a documentary about sleeping.

In short the documentary alludes to the importance of dreaming being to help us work out life, which leads us to analyzing them, in my opinion, way too often, but even though I think many dreams are just weird without any real importance behind them, I still like to find the deeper meaning in them. So when I dream about giving my step dad a peck on the lips it’s not because I find him sexually attractive, but rather because I want to thank him for being an actual father to me, unlike my biological sperm donor who I haven’t seen since I was two but am somehow friends with on Facebook. And when I dream about going on a gay date with my gay male friend it’s not because I would like to be in relationship with him, but rather because I had spent the previous day with him and his boyfriend watching them be happy together and I so desperately want to be in a loving relationship…with a woman. (Wow, that’s a lot of gay dreams) It’s only two (Only two that you’ve told everyone about) And unless they get a peak in my diary they’ll only ever know about the two – this is actually pretty much my diary.

I started talking to Annabelle again. She’s the one that got me over Her (her being Dyana of course). Annabelle isn’t Her in the slightest, but they share some qualities, like the quality associated with pretty much every girl who I’ve ever liked or who has ever liked me even just vaguely, that quality being that she’s thousands of miles away from me. After Her I told myself that I would never wait for someone and do the long distance thing, and I think I’ll hold true to that, with the exception of Annabelle. There’s something incredibly amazing about Annabelle, but that’s not what this is about, and you’re lucky it’s not because if it was it would go on for pages and pages and pages and (they get the point) I don’t think they do, so let me just finish…and pages and pages and pages. There we go (well done wasting their time).

I’ve never dreamed about someone so much in such a short amount of time. Even with Her I almost never dreamed about Her, and I thought about Her constantly, probably more than I think about Annabelle, only because I was younger and it was my first love so I didn’t really know how to handle it, plus I had no idea what I was doing with my life so I had nothing to keep me focused, whereas now I have nothing going on with my life but at least I know what I would like to accomplish, so even though I think about Annabelle a lot, I also spend much of my time thinking about what I need to accomplish, and then of course get depressed because accomplishing it seems so difficult, and then masturbate the pain away, then feel guilty, then accomplish a small portion of what I wanted to get done in the day, then feel a little better and award myself with more masturbation, then feel shamed again, then lie in bed trying to sleep while I think about Annabelle, and then dream of Annabelle pretty God damn oftenly (oftenly?) why not?

The dreams aren’t good though. I’ve never had such a horrible time while dreaming about someone so beautiful. Well normally I don’t dream about beautiful women in general (or women at all, see second paragraph). I said dreams don’t always mean something because usually my dreams are completely random and so far away form anything going on in my life, but when I dream about Annabelle it’s always about Annabelle ignoring me.

Last night we were in some school type of thing which consisted of me trying to get Martin Mull to stop grabbing Annabelle’s ass, winning a huge box of candy for Annabelle then Annabelle saying thanks and running off to go I guess flirt with some guy named (it actually gets good here) Jackoff In The Box, who kind of looked like a younger more attractive version of Johnny Depp, who I mentioned in something I wrote yesterday, so that might have been why he looked that way (or once again the dream has a gay tilt to it?)

With Her I always had trust issues. Whether they were warranted is debatable. Whether on three occasions she stopped talking to me without even letting me know that she was going to, and two of which times she was interested in other guys, one of which time she started dating the guy less than a week after we had planned to see each other soon, is also debatable. But the people who debate for it not happening that way are factually incorrect. Not that I harbor any grudges of course (of course).

This definitely has a lingering effect. Annabelle is beautiful with an even more beautiful personality. She could have pretty much any guy she wants, and she gets a lot of offers, so I don’t know why she’d ever wait for me. Also like Her, Annabelle has been hurt in the past, so on multiple occasions they have both told me that it has nothing to do with me, it’s just they have trust issues. A while ago Annabelle told me this saying she wasn’t ready to be with anybody. I’m not sure how long after that, but about a month or two, I was feeling really down and called Annabelle, to my surprise she picked up, and within minutes we were somehow talking about this guy she really liked and how upset she was because he apparently did stuff with this girl she hates.

To that I told Annabelle, “You’re beautiful and amazing and if that guy doesn’t see it he’s clearly retarded in the most offensive way possible, and don’t worry about it because you’re going to find an amazing guy and be super happy.”

What I was really thinking, “What the fuck, I thought you weren’t ready to be with anybody and now you’re going after this guy, do you realize how this makes me feel? Why can’t you women be honest?” No offense women, guys aren’t honest either. “It’s not that you’re not ready to be in a relationship again, it’s that you don’t want to be in a relationship with me? If you just told me that I could handle it. That’s what Eva told me and the day after I felt fine, because she told me the truth, not some bullshit about not being ready. Just tell me the truth. I hate when people lie because eventually I find out the truth and then I want to kill myself. And don’t even get me started about how you just mentioned that he’s the sweetest guy you now,” which when she told me I was probably the closest to wanting to die that I’ve ever been, “you do realize that you used to say I was so special because of how sweet I was. I’m not fucking good looking, I don’t have money, or a good job or any other thing women find appealing. All I had was that I was sweet and now this guy took that away from me. This is the closest I have ever been to wanting to kill myself, and I’m fucking afraid of death, so that’s saying something. Despite how angry I am and how much I hate myself I do really hope you find the perfect guy and you’re happy. I love you, and I guess I’ll just have to keep trying to prove it to you.”

I don’t know what is going to happen with me and Annabelle. This is my last try, not just with things involving distance, but with relationships at all. I’m too young and inexperienced for this shit. I’m tired of going to sleep worrying if someone likes me, or if they’re going to randomly stop talking to me. And even though I tell myself that I’ll just be one of those guys who fools around with chicks never looking to settle down I know that’s not who I can be, and even if it was I wouldn’t be happy. I’m just doomed to chase down happiness. I almost called it false happiness because it’s so unlikely, but it’s not false happiness, it’s just hard to get to. I don’t believe things are meant to be or not meant to be. I believe Annabelle brings me happiness when I’m talking to her, and despite how unlikely it seems now I’m going to try and work for it. Maybe it’s not meant to be? Not only is she far away but she’s way out of my league. Well I’m going to make it meant to be. Just because things can’t happen now doesn’t mean they won’t ever happen. And I’m not going to just let time pass. I’m going to stay focused on what I want and I’m going to get it. And what I want is her. Not her as in Her, but her as in Annabelle (Told you that whole Her thing was confusing) I just don’t like saying Dyana (but you have no problems saying Annabelle?) It’s a name I’m going to be saying a lot.

Here’s The Post You Knew I Would Write For You

Every word you read I wrote praying to God that you would read, but I swear to God I never meant to make you cry. You hurt me and I wanted you to know it. It was hard hearing about you dating all those guys, one after another never treating you the way I knew you deserved to be treated. I wanted you to know that I still wanted to be with you. That I still wanted the chance to treat you amazingly, and prove to you that the love you dreamed of does exist. That being said, I’d take back every single word I wrote if I could take back those tears I caused to fall down your cheeks.

You think I’m going to disagree with you. You think I’m going to say you’re wrong. Well I do disagree with you, and I do think you’re wrong. You’re wrong in saying that I deserve better than you. You deserve better than me. I know you know this deep down. Every guy who meets you wants to be with you. I know you doubt this because things haven’t worked out with guys, and that’s just because you haven’t met the right one. It takes a lot to love you, and you can blame yourself for that. You’re too beautiful, too smart, too clever. There’s not a second when I’m not intimidated by you, and I would bet it’s the same with the guys you date. Guys inherently want to be the center of attention in the relationship, but with you they can’t be. The spotlight is always on you. People will always wonder, ‘how did that guy get her?’ I don’t know how anyone can have a conversation with you without feeling dumb. You should go to Harvard just to put those silverspoon assholes in their place. The point is that all of this goes against what guys inherently want, so they subconsciously sabotage the situation. That’s not to say that this is going to happen with every guy. You need someone special. You deserve someone special. You’ll find someone special.

I’ve never been in a relationship in my entire life. I’ve never been on a date in my entire life. There’s a reason everyone wants to date you and so few want to date me. You’re fucking amazing in so many ways it’s crazy and I only do one thing well – I’m about to talk about myself because this is about me too. I can make girls feel good about themselves. It’s the only good quality I have and I don’t know how I developed it. I identify all the great things about a girl and then I let that girl know she has those great qualities. Unfortunately this means I can only really be with amazing girls because girls only like me when I compliment them a lot and I only compliment them a lot when they have a lot of great qualities, whether it be their looks, their smarts, their humor, or whatever it is they do so well. I say unfortunately because amazing girls of course have better options than me, which is why I’ve been single my whole life. I got you to like me because I was relentless in my sweetness to you because you gave me so many reasons to be sweet. I know girls will say that’s enough, but I question that often. I’m not good looking. I don’t have money. I don’t have a lot of things girls want in a guy. This isn’t me hating on myself. This is me telling the truth.

So it’s not that I’m too good for you. You’re too good for me and everyone in the world would agree with that. My friends assumed you were fake because of the comments you left on my myspace page so long ago. That isn’t fucked up. What’s fucked up is me always wondering how you could ever like me that much, and then taking it to a new level and actually questioning it, falling asleep most nights wondering and waiting for you to find someone new and leave me. But I don’t think I was just filler for you while you were waiting for someone better. I believe you loved me as much as you said you did. Just another great quality about you. You never gave a fuck how I looked when every day guys with six packs and chiseled jaws would give their left ball to sleep with you. You never gave a fuck that I was a loser who saw no potential in himself. You saw potential in me and that meant…that still means a lot to me.

I’m going to let you let me go. It’s not that I’m tired of fighting. I am tired of you dating a bunch of assholes. I’m going to stop watching you so much. I’m going to stop using facebook so much. It is creepy of me, and not creepy in the way you would call me that always made me blush. I spent more time caring about your life than mine. I was always happy for you when you were happy with another guy but sad for me. Then whenever it ended badly with you and a guy I would be sad too. I really care about you and your happiness, and that’s part of knowing you’re right.

You gave a couple of reasons for this that I don’t agree with but that I have my reasons for not arguing more strongly about. If they mean that much to you it’s not fair that I would try to make this work and put that burden on you. I believed I could make you happier than everyone ever possibly could, but now knowing what you told me I question it. I know your family and your friends mean a lot to you, and my friends are important to me, even though they’ve gave me the same lecture about us you say your friends would give you, and most of my family can go suck on a giant dick for all I care but there are some I love and would hate to have belittle me, so I don’t want to put any stress on the relationships and love you have with your friends and family. I can’t live with myself if I did that. Yes, I’m an insanely jealous guy with the distance between us, and I’d probably still be somewhat jealous even if we were near each other, but I’m not crazy enough to ever want you to love me more than your family. I know how much your family and tradition means to you, and because of that I know I’m no longer the person who can make you the happiest you’ll ever be.

You say you can’t love me the way I want to be loved. You’ve loved me more than I’ve ever expected to be loved, and I know that you’ll love someone the way you never thought you would again someday. Yes, as I said before it’s hard for you to find a good guy. It’s hard for any girl to find a good guy but it’s going to be especially hard for you. The difference is you have your pick of literally every fucking guy on this planet. The only guys who don’t want you are the ones sucking dick, and even they want to be your best friend so they can watch the hottest guys in the world hit on you and then jerk off to the display later in the shower. You’re going to go through a lot of shit heads, and it may take a little while, but it always does for something that great. You’re going to be all over the place and you’re going to meet a lot of guys. You’re going to find a guy way smarter, way hotter, and even more funny than I am. He won’t be sweeter than me, God damn it I maintain no one will ever be sweeter than I can be, but he’ll make up for it in other ways. You’ll be happy. You’ll be happier than you ever thought you’d be. I promise you.

That doesn’t mean I’m giving up on you. I’m going to try my hardest to become the person I want to be, and I’m going to use you to do it because I doubt I’ll ever find greater motivation, and sadly I can’t do it for myself. I know you tell me that part of the problem is that so many things I do I do for you. I don’t know where I’d be without you. I wanted to write more for my myspace blog just so I could receive comments from you because they felt so good. No one had ever told me the things you told me. I knew I wanted to be funny but I didn’t know I was funny. I knew I wanted to write but I didn’t know anyone would like it. I didn’t know I could do it until you. And now there’s no going back. I want to write. I want to make people laugh. I want to become something. I want to become something for you, but that’s not all of it. Even when you do meet that guy who will make you incredibly happy – and I won’t try to ruin that because I only care about your happiness – I still want to continue to write, and try make people laugh, and try to be meaningful, and fucking try to be something, and when I do, because God damn it I’m going to be something, I want you to see, and I hope you know that you played a part in it, and I want you to know you’re the reason I’m happy ten or twenty years from now.

Thank You.

#51 Happy Birthday To Me (Feb 15) by Bright Eyes

This song is meaningful to me in that its title reminds me of that girl I used to love. I’m not entirely sure why it reminds me of her, but on a completely unrelated topic her birthday happens to be on February 15^th. I had been listening to this song for about a year before I realized the commonality. What’s weirder is that certain lines of the song like, “I’m sorry for the phone call and needing you,” had made me think of her before the titled had forever entrenched my mind with memories of her every time I hear the song.

Originally this post was going to be all about her, and the crazy things I had planned on doing for her birthday, which I never got to do because every time her birthday came around we were always in a not entirely talking to each other mode, but I’m desperately trying to not make her such a big part of my life, which so far I’ve desperately failed at doing, which is no fault of her (there should be a ‘which’ count going).

At one point I was going to write her a message on Facebook, which (4) has become our only form of communication, or rather my way of talking to her no longer expecting her to respond, explaining to her that I’m sorry for everything I did and harboring the grudges I’ve continued to harbor for so long, and then I was going to stop writing about her and making the dumb jokes I do about what happened between us, which (5) aren’t entirely jokes, which (6) I’m sure you and her – if she ever read any of this – are fully aware weren’t entirely jokes concerning the way I felt and feel about the situation.

Riki Lindhome, my current "celebrity" crush. And it's a big one because it's based mostly on personality.

I’ve toggled back and forth many times between writing her that note and then forever not writing about her, but I can’t do the latter ever I think. It’s just a part of me. Maybe one day I can get rid of all the grudges I have. In fact I’m pretty sure if I were to be with another girl I love I could throw all that behind me. I could stop blaming myself for ruining my chances with who I once considered to be the finest female specimen to ever walk this planet, Riki Lindhome excluded.

Akin to that thought, I was listening to the Adam Carolla show today and this girl was on (Donna Antebi) and they were talking about men who cheat and I was thinking about how I really don’t think I could be one of those guys. Of course I’m young and with age and spite I’m sure I’ll change, hopefully not. But it’s not really a principal thing for me. I don’t not want to cheat because it’s bad and it will hurt the person who I assumedly love or at least loved – although that certainly helps me not want to cheat even more – but when I’m with a girl I really don’t think about being with other girls and wishing I could have a night with Scarlett Johansson or whatever starlet’s hot at the moment, granted I’ve never really “been” with a girl. I’m sure I’d be taking the quickest lay I could find out of the house with all the constant nagging and talk of Oprah the wife is doing, right fellas? I’m kidding.

When I was in at my emotional fullest with that girl I loved and fully expected us to one day get married I didn’t think about all the girls I wouldn’t get to sleep with even though I was so very young and had never had sex. I prepared to go through this life having only slept with one girl. Unfortunately now I’m starting to worry if I’ll even get to the one. It’s not that I don’t want to be one of those guys who tells all his buddies about all the notches on his bedpost and crazy sexual stories he has. It’s that I’m not one of those guys. Conversely I wouldn’t even take pride in the fact that I was loyal and only with one girl. I don’t care about that. I just have this chip in my brain that makes me want to find the one girl I can love most and then spend my entire life creating beautiful memories with her – I’m pretty sure the chip in my brain was just a metaphor, but also the chip is designed to make me think that. It sucks in a lot of ways because I am very afraid of getting in a relationship with a person and then having it end. I’m not a ‘plenty of other fish in the sea’ type person. I’m a ‘leave me alone for a week on the floor with a bottle of Jager and Bright Eyes playing’ kind of guy, which (7) brings me back to the song.

I was going to talk about Valentine’s Day but I guess I had other things going through my mind. I do want to make mention that one thing I like about it is it’s a third day of the year (with Christmas and Birthdays) where all those douche bag boyfriends have to at least attempt to do something to make their girlfriend happy. I would much prefer if those douche bags would do things like that on regular occasions, but of course then they’d lose their oh-so-important douche bag status. Or even better, perhaps those girls could dump their douche bag boyfriends and realize they can do so much better. There are few things in this world more sad than when a sweet girl is with an asshole guy. I’ve seen it a lot and the joke reason behind it is he’s got a huge cock, and the not so funny reason behind it is daddy issues.

Lastly, I forgot to mention a couple paragraphs up, but when I like a girl, like really like a girl and it’s pretty obvious that she likes me back, my masturbation numbers go way down. I’ll go whole weeks without jerking off, which (8) is the equivalent of Charlie Sheen going two weeks without coke and a hooker (cheap joke). There are two reasonings behind this. One is that I use masturbation as a distraction from stress and depression. But when I’m in like with a girl I’m happy so there’s not much need for it. And two, and this is more along the lines of what I was saying about myself earlier, when I really like a girl other girls just don’t seem so appealing anymore, even sexually. Although semi-recently things have gotten complicated with me liking multiple girls and not knowing which (9) one I really like best. And it sucks even worse because it’s still hard to think about being with any of them because I of course still love that girl I used to love.

#52 Less Cute by Say Anything

This song means a little bit of something to me. I should be more specific, and so I shall, although it might take us down a dark path I think I wrote a little about around six or eight months ago when the occurrence initially took place.

I often talk about that girl I used to love. I talk about her so much that many of you probably think I still love her (he does) and who can blame me? (I can). Well it was off and on with us, sort of (long distance thingie, confused on actual specifications), and then we had made an agreement that when she finished high school – she wasn’t under 18, she had been held back a year because her credits didn’t transfer when she came back over from her home country – and got settled in with college and a job I could move down there, or at least that was my understanding. Apparently her understanding was that she’d tell me that to get my hopes up, but then she’d meet a guy with a dick closer in proximity to her and she’d start dating him without even telling me. Well thank God for Facebook because after a week of not talking to her and her not returning my texts I found out about the situation, and I remember it exactly.

She had posted some lovey dovey song and wrote about how good she was feeling and how she couldn’t stop smiling thinking about her new crush. At first my heart was in such denial that I actually thought she was talking about me. Then reality set in and I realized it wasn’t me she was talking about (damn you reality!). It was on a school morning. I had just gotten out of the shower, which is generally the happiest moment of my day. I started laughing. I seriously started laughing. I laughed all the way to school. Smiling and laughing like a complete doofus, because that’s how I felt. I felt stupid, but rather than get down on myself like I always do I just started laughing at how stupid I was (because that’s not getting down on one’s self?). I knew later I would get sad, and I of course did, but in that moment all I wanted to do was laugh. I wanted to go to school, come back home, then tell my friend about how it happened again, and then have us all laugh at how stupid I could be.

This probably sounds sad, me laughing at myself and all, but really it’s me taking control of the situation. I can handle laughing at myself, even if it’s because I did something extremely stupid. What I can’t handle is being sad. I don’t condone, or even like, people who go through life acting stupid and then laughing it off, but every once in a while I need it. I didn’t want to stay home from school, lying in bed, listening to sad music trying my hardest not to cry. I just wanted to pretend I was a stupid character in a sitcom who never learns from his mistakes, because essentially that’s what I was, and apparently what I still am.

I eventually talked to her again, like I always do. I’m no good at expelling people from my life. I develop a genuine care for people, and once it’s there it’s very hard to get rid of. Hell, I even get sad when some bloggers I follow stop blogging, which a couple of have and I’m hoping they someday come back. Despite that there are just a few people in my life who I can’t imagine living a life without knowing. She is one of them. I now realize we won’t be together, even though I still not-so-secretly want to be with her. And I try my hardest to move on, and imagine being with someone else, which I think I’ve gotten better at. But even though I can’t be with her, I still want to know what goes on with her. I don’t harbor many grudges, except towards all women for keeping me a virgin for so long (joke). I want her to be happy. It’s still hard for me to say I want her to be happy with another guy, but I think once it happens I’ll be okay with it. I mean once it happens and I have ten years to get used to it and I force three bottles of Xanax down my throat I’ll be okay with it. But nonetheless I love her and I admire the work she does in the field or art/writing, and I hope that someday if we can’t be together we can find a way to be friends.

So we got to talking and she has deep seeded emotional problems that I’m not going to get into that cause her to do the things she does, unless she lied to me and really she’s a robot design by that Jason kid I beat up a few times in elementary school back when I was an asshole and his way of getting back at me is creating a girl for me to fall for but her only protocol is to do nothing but lure me in and then continually break my heart – touché Jason. And she explained to me how she liked me better than the guy she was with but the distance compounded with her desire to constantly be needed by a new guy made her not be able to resist dating this guy. As time goes on I feel less and less like she really liked me and this makes me sad, even now as I write this I felt a pang in my heart thinking about it, but it sort of helps me try and get over her.

She then went on to say, what I think she thought would make me feel better, that this guy reminded her a lot of me. This of course made me feel horrible. For one I thought I was special. The thought of me not being special, which I realize it the truth, has very much to do with why I’m depressed so often. So in that moment I was like, ‘fuck, she found a younger, hotter, closer, version of me.’ I even made the joke to her, “Great, so he’s me but younger and hotter.” To which she respond with lol or lmao which I took to mean, ‘yep.’

If you’ve listened to the song you’ve might have figured out why I’m telling you what I have told you. Despite all she’s done to me I still believe her when she says things like she still wants to be with me deep down, so “he’s like a less cute version of you, but he’ll have to do,” made me smile, for just a moment, then I realized they’re just song lyrics, and I was jealous, because I wanted to be the “he’ll have to do,” and that’s just sad.

Bedtime Thoughts 6

So there’s this new girl, well not completely new, I’ve known her off and on for about a year or something, and she’s a girl I met on the internet of course because I still exude this magical odor that when smelled compels women not to want to have anything to do with me, but me and this girl have been talking a lot more for the last couple of months, and, well, she makes me feel like only one other girl has ever been able to make me feel like, or at least as close to that feeling as possible, which is still a lot more than I ever thought possible.

It’s exciting and devastating at the same time. When I was doing whatever the hell we were doing with the online girl before, which is as close to being in a relationship as I’ve ever been, even though we couldn’t be together physically – leave it to me to get into a relationship with an extremely beautiful girl who I can’t so much as hold hands with – I was still happy just being with her at all. It was frustrating a lot, but because I truly, and perhaps stupidly, thought we were going to end up together I never thought about hooking up with other girls, and all those other girls in my life who I never thought I could just be friends with I was suddenly just friends with, and perfectly fine with that.

Ironically it was because of this long distance thing with the girl I loved that made me care so much about Eva, which ultimately backfired when the long distance thing didn’t work out because now I didn’t just like Eva, but I really cared about her a lot, which made me like her as a potential person I could one day date even more. I strongly doubt me and Eva could ever be together though. In my life she’s in the top four girls I’ve liked and of those four she’s the only one I’ve ever met, granted I’ve only met her twice. Still I feel like she’s far too beautiful for me. I know that one girl I was in love with was amazingly beautiful, but we never met in person, so I don’t think she ever grasped how much more beautiful than me she really is, although I’ve seen some of the guys she’s found attractive and dated, and I’ve laughed about this with Chris, but they aren’t extremely attractive, in fact one of them was down right not attractive, of course he was the one she said reminded her of me, which didn’t make me think very highly of myself, but the part I laugh about is that she apparently thought I was attractive but all the guys she’s found attractive aren’t that attractive, so while I like that she thinks I’m attractive, it doesn’t necessarily mean I am attractive.

It may seem like a compliment for a girl to tell an ex that their new boyfriend reminds them of them – yes I said ‘them of them’ and it’s sort of confusing but I’m going to leave it – but I found it to be anything but a compliment. It was more like, ‘Oh, great, you’re dating this guy who reminds you of me, perfect, except I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I am me, and I’m right here, and I still love you, so I’m just saying why go for the cheap knockoff when you have the real thing right here?” The answer in my head is of course, “because the cheap knock-off lacks all the qualities that made you so horrible.”

This other girl I liked online had one too many things in common with that girl I once loved, and in fact still do love. They were both addicted, and probably still are addicted, to the same thing, a thing that in the shallowest way I feel like is the worst thing a girl I like but can’t be with can be addicted to. They both lied to me about big things, as well as some smaller things which they both thought would be bigger to me than they really were. They were both raised in Arizona. Just odd, way too odd. And as of last night I am now aware that they are both completely in love with the man I most despise on this planet, yes, none other than the Dark Knight himself. I don’t even want to say the actor’s name, that’s how much I hate him. I don’t even want to elaborate because it brings me down. It’s really stupid and petty of me to hold such a grudge, but go ahead and check my calling card one more time: yep, front and center are the words ‘stupid’ and ‘petty’.

This new girl… I don’t even know where to go with this. She makes me smile. I just felt like I should write about it. Of course in a way this writing sums me up perfectly I spent the first few paragraphs talking about that girl I loved instead of the new girl. Odd that I would come to write something happy and then decide to write about something that would bring me down. Writing can’t really bring me down though. Even when I write things that sadden me it’s still writing so there’s a certain comfort to it that takes me out of my mind and disallows me to really think about anything. I think that’s why I’m such a terrible writer. I don’t really stop to think about what I’m writing or how to make it better or how to elucidate my thoughts better or whether I’m using elucidate right. I just write, and it just is. I try really writing and really thinking and I just can’t. At least not in this form – when I write script type things there’s a lot more thinking than writing usually.

So this new girl… I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m certainly not going to try and rush anything, especially considering she’s currently further from me than Mount Rushmore – it was in my head because I said the word rush…I guess I could have somehow mentioned the band but I don’t see how that would have been relevant (whereas Mount Rushmore is completely relevant?) this new girl could enter my Mount Rushmore of all time girls I’ve liked. I talked so much about that girl I loved because until now no one has ever been anywhere near close to making me feel the way she has. But I’m not going to compare the two. That would be unfair. I’m still not over her. I’m still not convinced she’s the most beautiful and smart creature on this planet, but I’m starting to believe maybe I can be swayed of that notion. It’s still too early to tell.

Speaking of early it’s six ‘til five in the morning over here, and I had planned on waking up at eight, but now that’s certainly out of the question. I don’t mind anymore. I had a pretty bad night. And I had a huge amount of trouble getting to sleep. And then the new girl texted me, and everything got better. And now I’m going to get to sleep with a smile.