The other day I had a vaguely homosexual dream (what a wonderful way to start off a blog). But it wasn’t just vaguely homosexual, it was vaguely homosexual and involving me. I’m sure some of you assumed if I was having a homosexual dream it would involve me in the homosexual acts, but I think others might have just thought I was dreaming about other people doing homosexual stuff, and I wasn’t involved in it at all, just observing it through my dream. I’m not sure what I would have thought, none of my friends have ever told me they’ve had homosexual dreams, and it’s not because they’ve never had any. They must have at some point with all the homosexual thoughts I’ve put in their heads. I don’t mean that as in I’m so damn sexy that even thought they’re straight they can’t help but to dream about me. I just mean me and my friends talk about homosexual things all the time. And I don’t mean homosexual as in “gay”. I mean homosexual as in gay. That may be a little confusing. I don’t mean homosexual as in the way so many people use the word gay these days, that being as a synonym for stupid. I mean homosexual as in gay as in its second original meaning, that being for a man who likes other men in a homosexual manner. So what I mean (you’re taking way too long to explain this) I know, and it won’t be worth it, but what I mean is that me and my friends talk about gay people and make gay jokes and that kind of stuff a lot – mostly me. It’s very offensive actually. If there was a gay guy there most certainly he would have been offended. Wait a second, it turns out all those years there was a gay guy there. And no, although the heavy money would have been on me coming out of the closet that day will never come (you do realize that makes it sound like you’re gay but just not willing to admit it) and that’s what I want the people to think. But it turned out one of our friends was a homosexual, which makes all those gay jokes over the years I’ve told really awkward. Not to mention all the times I jokingly accused one of our other friends of being gay and kept telling him to come out of the closet.
I’ve strayed off the point, and that’s why I’m starting a new paragraph. I’m sure we all have homosexual dreams, and to stray off the point one more time (please don’t) why does saying homosexual sound so much more offensive then saying gay? Or is that just me? This blog aside, you don’t even have to read the rest of it, but would you be so kind to as (or as to) let me know in some way, shape or form, whether it be by leaving a comment, writing your own blog about it, or having someone sky write it, whether you think gay or homosexual is more offensive to call a man who likes other men, or are neither of them offensive at all, or is calling the person a man who likes other men the most offensive of them all?
And here we are again, at the beginning of a new paragraph, with misplaced commas strewn about, trying desperately to stay on point, which has undoubtedly been my biggest downfall as a writer, you know other than writing anywhere near well. So, to get back on point and stay there, ‘gay’ has been a big part of my life (what the hell do you mean by that?). Granted up until recently I have never knowingly had someone who was gay be a big part of my life. But from the time I hit puberty, like most boys, I became hugely obsessed with penises, mainly my own. Hours upon hours I would waste abusing it as if it was a terrorist detained at Guantanamo Bay. And then when I started watching porn, which I’m starting to believe was a huge mistake, I started noticing all these big penises, and that’s when I became jealous. I’ve never been jealous of things so ugly. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a penis before, but they are disgusting. All you ladies reading this (‘because there must be millions’ I say with more than a hint of sarcasm) want to know why guys love receiving oral sex so much? Partly because guys are lazy and they don’t have to do anything but sit there, but mostly because it’s fascinating to see a girl like the guy so much that she’ll put his ugly ass penis in her mouth (what about the pleasure part) guys get no pleasure from it. Physically it feels like a rattlesnake eating your penis, but emotionally it’s a greater ego boost then being voted most awesome person in the universe (first of all I don’t think that vote takes place, but if it did Cody from Step by Step would win, and secondly you’ve never received oral sex so how would you know?) I’ve heard through the grapevine. Okay, so it’s true that I’ve never had my hot dog boiled inside a woman’s mouth pot, but I’ve had the discussion many times, and penises are ugly, and I would never stick something that ugly in the same thing I kiss my mother with. Oh my God, my mother has kissed me like a million times with the same mouth she probably used to go down on so many guys with. Oh my God, I can’t believe I actually wrote that. It’s probably so offensive to my mother. I should really delete it. But instead of deleting it I’ll just say that this is how ugly and against giving head to a guy I am. I’ve said on many occasions that I’d much rather be fucked in the ass then have to give head to a guy. With most guys they have to think really hard about that question. And some won’t even answer and just say ‘neither, I’d kill myself first’. But not me, I immediately go with being fucked in the ass. Sometimes I say my answer before they even finish the question. And I’ll even go as far as blurting out ‘I’d rather be fucked in the ass,’ apropos of nothing.
At some point in my life I started making gay jokes, and not offensive jokes, although I’m sure gay people would be offended by them, but more so just gay comments, and somehow that turned into me making comments that would suggest I’m gay. I don’t know which came first, whether it was me making gay comments about myself or if people thought I was gay and I jokingly went with it and took it to the nth degree. I guess it’s like the chicken and the egg; we’ll never know which came first. Although I guess scientists have figured out that the chicken has to come first, which most have thought so for years, but apparently one of the chemical components that make the egg is created within the chicken, so you can’t have a chicken egg unless there’s a chicken to create the egg, whereas you can have a chicken without a chicken egg because God can just go ‘poof’ and then magically a chicken is created. But facts aside, my life has been filled with gay jokes towards myself, and I wouldn’t say at the expense of myself because I’m not really gay. And it’s odd that my humor as taken that route because I don’t have a gay ounce in my body. Okay, maybe my ass is a little gay, but no big deal (that’s a joke people). I think the gayest thing I would actually do is kiss a man on the lips for the sake of humor, but no tongue, I don’t think I could do that unless it was really, really funny, or I was really, really drunk. I wouldn’t even partake in a Devil’s threesome, even if the girl involved was Scarlett Johansson. Although I think I could do it if I was drunk and while he was banging her from behind and I was receiving oral, or vice versa, there was a curtain between us so I couldn’t see him. But other than that there will be no two guy, one girl threesome for me. I could watch a Devil’s threesome though, just not be involved in one. I could probably even watch one in person, if the chick is hot, and there’s like some chips or popcorn to munch on, but it can’t be a buffet of hot dogs and popsicles. And although it would be awkward to watch people having sex in person, and I don’t have any desire to, I’m just saying I think I could because it wouldn’t be that much different then watching porn, except the part where I can’t rewind so I make sure I jerk off at my favorite part. Instead I’d have to tap the people on the shoulder and ask them if they could do that part over again, and it wouldn’t be as good because then they’d probably just be faking it and I’ll be able to tell. So I guess it’s probably best if I just keep my jerking off to traditional methods. The point is I’m not gay in any way except for the part where I constantly make jokes that make it seem like I’m gay, although I don’t think a gay person would do that, so I’m not even gay in that way. If I were really gay I’d probably over compensate and make jokes about fucking the cliché hot celebrities like Megan Fox and Pam Anderson (no one thinks Pamela Anderson is hot anymore) I do, I’d fuck her so hard (<– over compensating).
I always used to joke about my subconscious being gay, which most people would then say I must be gay too, but I argue it doesn’t. My argument for having a gay subconscious without me being gay is this: that’s just how it is. That’s not a very good argument, but hey, I’m not a very good person, so it fits. I used to always joke about it being gay because my first thoughts on things would often be gay thoughts, albeit in a joking manner, but still odd I found. And often when watching porn my eyes would wonder off the girl’s charming, bouncing breasts to the man’s despicably disgusting penis. And I’d just be staring at it, having stopped masturbating, and I’d just be jealous of it, but I’d joke that on a subconscious level I loved it otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it so much, but on the exterior I’d put on this charade of being jealous of it and that’s why I was fascinated with it. And by the way, I really am jealous of big penises, to a certain degree, but its not like I can really sit here complaining that my penis is so small and girls would laugh me out of rooms whenever I took my pants off. I think it’s just that I grew up watching porn, and the penises tend to be bigger in porn, so like how if you grow up watching basketball you dream of playing professional basketball, I watched all these big penises as a kid and it became my dream to have a big penis, but that’s a dream I fell a couple inches short of, which in any other scenario it’d be amazing to get within a couple inches of my dream, but unfortunately in this scenario a couple inches is a big deal, which also unfortunately left me with a small deal (Oh my God, the wit you portray is legendary) how dare you and your sarcasm, sir, that joke would be good enough for Two and a Half Men (Whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn’t think the joke was that bad) Zing.
But alas, I get to the reason I’m writing this – I think I meant to put at last instead of alas but even though alas means it’s a bad thing I’m getting to the reason I’m writing this I like the way it sounds so I’m leaving it. I had the gayest dream of my life the other night. Okay, maybe not as gay as the time I had that dream where I kissed my step dad on the lips. But I argue this one is gayer because the one where I kissed my step dad on the lips was short and sweet…I mean just short, not sweet, whereas this dream I’m about to speak of was a little longer, not much though, and it was not said, but implied that I was gay in the dream, where in the dream where I kissed my step dad there was no thought at all. And it was just a peck on the lips, no passion whatsoever, which by the way, ladies, in real life I’m all passion (no you’re not) I’m at least 70% passion (I’d argue that’s too much passion for most people).
In the dream I just had I went on a movie date with my gay friend. It wasn’t said that it was a date, but I know a movie date when I’m on one in a dream, which is apparently the only place I can get a date, and what’s worse is that I get a date in my dreams and it ends up being a gay date. That’s about the extent of the dream. There was a little bit of who should be paying for the popcorn and drinks and stuff like that – I remember being confused about the appropriate paying policy, but I felt as the manly man as should pay– and there was no making out or holding hands or even eye contact. In fact I may have even felt a little awkward, but can you blame me, I’ve never been on a gay date before, let alone any date. And now that I think about it I’m offended. My gay dream date (dream date is poor wording) my gay date in the dream didn’t even try to make out with me. What the fuck? Am I not good enough for him? What a kill to my ego.
When I woke up the next morning I felt weird, but I felt a little comforted because I don’t recall having a boner, which I usually do when I wake up. The weird feeling went away when several minutes later I masturbated to some extreme lesbian porn (<– over compensating). It was just what I wanted. These were real lesbians, short hair, no tits, they looked just like boys. I’m kidding. I don’t recall what I masturbated to that morning, but I remember not really caring that much about the dream. I’m not one of those people who thinks every dream means something and that if I dreamed about being on a date with my friend then I must be gay and want him. But I do think dreams often represent what’s going on with a person’s subconscious and as a student of psychology (since when?) I’ve taken psychology (one time, and you barely passed) well as a person who finds psychology interesting I like to analyze my dreams sometimes. Especially when they’re gay dreams and there’s potential of me outing myself. Oh how wonderful it’d be to get to be gay. I’m kidding of course. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. But I maintain that of all the options of sexuality gay is one of the worst for the sole fact that there are less people to hook up with. At the same time they’re competing for less people, and that may be good for some people, but I’m really picky with who I want to be with, and not many people live up to my high, high, way too high, so high that I now only want one person and this could end up making me die alone, high standards. And this may shock you, but I don’t think heterosexuality is the best of all the sexuality options. Clearly bisexuality is the best. You get everyone. If you’re a bisexual female you still have the whole man species to choose from, excluding the gay ones, but you also have the options of hooking up with a lesbian. More is better. Heterosexuality is fine, and so is homosexuality, but combining them and having more options is by far the best option, especially in this day and age where as long as you stay north of the Mason-Dixon Line most sexualities are widely accepted, and even if disagreed with people tend to mind their own business.
The day of the dream, or the day before, or I don’t know what you want to call it, but the day spent that led up to the night which the dream took place during (you have a genius type way of making things longer than they need to be) me and a couple of friends hung out with my gay friend and his gay boyfriend. We went hiking up a trail to Multnomah Falls and for most of the time hiking I was quiet and thinking about how badly I wish a certain girl could have been there with me. It’s something I’ve never got to experience, doing something with the girl I love, anything, even something as simple as going to the movies. My gay friend in the dream didn’t represent love for him, it represented my jealousy of him getting to do things with his boyfriend. Sure they didn’t get all lovey dovey during the hike and when we hung out at the lake, but I get jealous of the simplest things, and for a guy like me who has loved – and some people will debate whether its real love because of the circumstances it was under, but I say fuck them mightily, it’s love – but never got to do anything with the girl, even something as little as sitting at a picnic table on a warm summer day eating relatively plain sandwiches with complex tortilla chips that apparently taste like cheeseburgers seems like fucking heaven. Of course I still get jealous of the big things. When my friends talk about having sex and cuddling and stuff like that I’m extremely jealous, but its too the point now where even seeing people holding hands is killing me. To hold her hand for but a second is more desirable then getting to fuck Scarlett Johansson for life. And I mean it, and that’s saying a lot because just thinking about Scarlett Johansson makes me want to run to the computer and jerk off to pictures of her (running to the computer seems odd seeing as you’re typing this on the computer right now) I meant the other computer (the one sitting a foot and a half away from you?) yes, a brisk jog will do.
So I think the dream represents the desire for even a simplistic relationship, and not even with her, I don’t think the dream had terribly much to do with her, I think the dream represents my subconscious desire for a relationship with anybody, and at this point apparently even a man. Maybe my subconscious is telling me to go for whatever I can get –I don’t think I could get a gay man by the way, they wouldn’t be able to put up with my constant barrage of gay humor – but I don’t really listen to my subconscious because I’ve always felt it’s not what I really want. My subconscious just works preliminary shit out, but it’s what’s going on in my external thought process where I believe the real truth lies. And as much as I think about being in a relationship, and as much as it depresses me at night to be alone, I’m still going to wait and not force anything, even if that means years and years of homosexual dreams, but in case my subconscious is reading this I’d much rather have dreams of being fucked in the ass then sucking a guy off.
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Podcast of me and Chris talking about stuff, and maybe even this topic unless Chris deleted it from the Podcast.
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