#18 “Just To Disappoint You Know I Always Forget”

#18 Everything’s Too Cold…But You’re So Hot

I didn’t anticipate this song to make it this high up the list because I don’t listen to it that often anymore. There was a point a few years ago where I used to listen to it several times a day, and then I just kind of stopped listening to it so much. When I was compiling this list I knew it had to make the list because at that point in time when I was listening to it several times a day it was clearly my favorite song of the moment, a moment that spanned over several months. Any song that remains that important to me over many weeks I can guarantee you is on this list. And what I mean by ‘that important’ is that I had to listen to it. I couldn’t go many days without listening to it. There are well over 17 songs on this list that I would rather be listening to at this moment than this song. But there aren’t 17 songs on this list that held as big a hold over me as this song did for many weeks in a row.

My God damn cat chewed through my God damn earbud chord while I was sleeping last night. They were my last fully working pair of earbuds, which is important because I’m fully broke and can’t buy new ones so now my only pair of working head phones is my headset that I use to record the podcast with, but they’re too bulky to use while sleeping, which sucks because I often listen to my ipod while trying to sleep, and they have a microphone sticking out of them so they’d be really awkward to wear when going out, which sucks because every single time I leave my house I always take my ipod.

I didn’t get angry. I was saddened. I didn’t cry. I should have cried because it will affect my life a lot more than things I’ve cried over previously in my life, like stupid tv shows or movies. Or I guess I should just stop crying over stupid things. I only cry over stupid things. When most of my family dies I won’t cry. It’s a sad fact that I won’t cry, not sad enough to cry over of course. I think more than not really feeling bonded to much of my family it’s just because I don’t deal well with death. I just push it to the side and don’t ever try to deal with it. When my mother dies I imagine I’ll cry. I don’t know what else I’ll be able to do. You know how people say they don’t know how they’ll be able to live without someone? It’s almost always melodramatic or an extreme exaggeration. Well I don’t know how I’ll be able to live without my mother. I imagine within a matter of days I’ll be out on the street and starved to death, my pants filled with pee and poo, later to be eaten by raccoons, which I don’t mind.

What’s to get angry about? My cat doesn’t know what its doing. It thinks it’s a play thing. It thinks all food is meant for it and everything else in the world is its play thing. It’s human in that way. Many of us feel all animals were put here for our enjoyment. I’m not a vegetarian, but I constantly think about how odd it is that we eat animals. It’s not that odd of course, because other animals eat animals, but they are living things, and us being the ultimate conscious living things you’d think we’d maybe have some guilt about eating these things that we know can feel. Do we really think cats and dogs are somehow more emotionally attuned than deer, cows, and chicken – apparently the plural of deer is deer and not deers, learn something new every day. Okay, maybe chicken, and maybe even cows, but if Bambi has taught me anything it’s that deer cry when their mothers get shot. Maybe cats and other domestic animals are more emotionally aware than other animals, but if so I don’t think it’s by much, and it might just be because they’re trained to be. Maybe cows and chickens and pigs don’t seem so lovable because they’ve been raised on farms for so long that it’s now built into them that they’re going to die so why even bother caring about anything. Or maybe we’ve just been eating cows, and chickens and pigs for so long that we’ve built it into ourselves to not believe that they could ever be capable of having real thoughts and emotions.

Really it’s my fault for leaving my earbuds and ipod on my bed while I sleep. I wasn’t even listening to it when I fell asleep. Still I like it near me because if I wake up and can’t get back to sleep it’s right there for me to listen to. If my kitty chews through my headset headphones, which I stupidly leave on my bed often but have a much thicker chord, I’ll go crazy. For one I need them for the podcast. But more importantly they’re the only headphones I have left and I need headphones because when I’m emotionally wrecked I need to listen to music very, very loudly and I can’t do that when other people are home unless I have headphones.

What do cats hate? My cats hate fruit for some reason, especially lemons and oranges. From now on I’m smothering all my headphones in lemon juice. Although that presents the fear of me chewing through the chord in my sleep.

If I Were A Cat I’d Sleep Easier And Masturbate Slightly Less

There’s a huge advantage in sleeping that cats hold over humans that I don’t think gets talked about enough when taking into consideration how much fucking better it’d be to be a cat rather than a human. Everyone of course rightly cites that cats don’t have to do stuff like work, pay bills, or sleep with that girl Lisa’s disgustingly unattractive, and frankly downright uninteresting in every aspect, friend just so your friend can have some quality alone time with Lisa (no, that’s not taken from a real life experience) and because cats don’t have to do those time consuming and un-joyous tasks they can spend their entire day doing what every human covets most, sleeping. But I don’t think people think about how amazingly talented cats are at sleeping. You may think sleeping is easy, but according to bullshitstats.com three out of four people on Earth, not counting North Korea, Vietnam and Australia, suck at sleeping.

Really, think about it, like right now, like stop reading this, use that mushy thing incased in your skull (because God knows if you’re reading this you certainly aren’t using it) and think about how difficult it is to sleep for humans. From the time you human beings are born to the age of three you spend on average 13.5 hours of your day sleeping, which is a deceiving number because to the untrained eye that seems like a lot of sleep, but think about what’s going on during the other 12.5 hours of the day (and when did we start using 26 hour days?). When babies are awake they do two things. They spend 10% of that time crying because they’re hungry, and they spend 90% of that time crying because they wish they were sleeping. It’s because they’re weak and can’t force themselves to sleep, unlike cats, who at a moment’s notice can be walking down the hallway and then all of the sudden think, ‘fuck this shit, I’m tired’ and then collapse to the floor and be asleep in seconds.

That’s a superpower in and of itself. We live in an age with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds (we get it) and hundreds of sleeping pills and the like. Hours and hours and hours (don’t say hours one more time or I guarantee you’ll lose every reader) are wasted as human’s struggle to force themselves to sleep in an attempt to get a reasonable amount of rest in before their next daily grind, and then what’s worse is that throughout the day they are mock with fatigue and tiredness, which some claim are synonyms of each other so there was no use for me to use them both, but I claim due to my deprived education I don’t know what synonyms are, or why any word needs to contain two y’s. And after a full day of fatigue and or tiredness the human slave to the corporate machine comes home and is faced with the burden yet again of not being able to sleep, so he is forced to drink beer after beer then beat on his wife a little then beat off to a basic cable showing of Show Girls just to get himself to sleep. This is indeed a sad world we live in, but one that could be avoided, not if we had all the free time in the world to sleep like cats, but rather if we had the ability to sleep easily.

When thinking about this I noticed that cats can sleep so easily because they’re flexible and readily comfortable in any of the millions of positions they can get in, which if you’re like me brings one thing to mind. Move over Nadia Comaneci there’s a new favorite in my acrobatics sex fantasy and her name is Eartha Kitt (you do realize she’s not really Catwomen, and she’s dead?). I realized neither. The point is what is Batman doing flirting around with all these harlots when he could be settling down with Catwomen and having cirque du Soleil sex every night with Catwoman.

ranDUMBness #6 or something like that

While on the subject of penises (we weren’t on the subject of penises) then what the hell were we talking about? (Nothing, the blog just started). Oh, well what the hell should I talk about today? (It doesn’t matter, whatever it is you’ll find a way to make it boring). Not tube socks. I could make tube socks exciting (perhaps, at least you try to everyday).

I was walking to the store today and I saw one third of a lobster shell on the sidewalk. Or was it a crab? Damn it, it was actually a crab. I had a whole routine worked out on lobsters, but since it was a crab I wouldn’t feel right doing it. Or maybe it was a lobster? I’ll have to go and check it out again.

My microwave makes a beep when you open the door to it, which I find unnecessary. I get that when it’s done microwaving it needs to make I sound so that when a person is in the other room doing whatever – in my case getting off a quick jerk off before the two minutes it takes to make popcorn –  they will knows it’s done. But it really doesn’t need to make a sound when I open the door because I’m right there opening the door so the beep is unnecessary and rather annoying. And also when it’s done it beeps four times no matter what. It could beep once and I could open the door and it will beep the final three times, plus it will beep for me opening the door. If I open the door to the microwave it should know it doesn’t have to sound off its final beeps because there’s no more need to tell me the food is done, I’ve already opened the door, so I clearly realize it’s done. Why doesn’t this microwave have a mind of its own? I get that electronics are getting too smart and one day they’re take over the world and kill all humans, but God damn, I must have got stuck with one of those mentally challenged microwaves. They’ll be no world domination by it. And by the fucking way, how exactly is saying mentally challenged any less offensive to retards than saying retarded? Sure one sounds nicer than the other, but with both I’m insulting the person’s intelligence. In fact I would argue that it’s better to be called retarded than mentally challenged. Because if someone calls you retarded then it’s like, ‘well that person is just being a prick.’ But if someone calls you mentally challenged it’s like, ‘oh fuck, I have a serious condition that renders my mental facilities inadequate,’ although I still maintain that the mentally challenged person doesn’t really care about being called mentally challenged v.s retarded as much as the parents care. Anyway my point is that calling someone mentally challenged is worst then calling them retarded. No one is with me on this one are they? (Like always they are not.) Well screw them, they’re all mentally challenged anyway.

Both the football teams I wanted to win today lost. This is very disheartening. Almost as much as when I turned around no more than a second ago to find my kitty cat, Cloud, eating my dinner. He always eats my food. I’d prefer him not to because he is so very vey fat – although he’s lost weight since we put him on a diet. To get back at my kitty the next time I feed him at some point I’m going to push him out of the way and start eating his food. I don’t care how bad it tastes, he must be thought a lesson. Also he keeps trying to have sex with his sister, Kilala. So the next time I see him riding her, ironically doggy style, I’m going to push him out of the way and…. I pussed out of making the joke about fucking my girl kitty (it went from talking about football to not making jokes about bestiality) how’s that for range bitch.

If you really think about it masturbation is good for so much. If you’re ever bored just jerk off, that will excite things up. If you’re ever horny just jerk off. If rapists would just jerk off that would save them so much jail time. I mean sure the rapists are having a good time when they’re raping, but is it worth the risk considering if they get caught they’re going to jail where their ass will become a buffet for hundreds of horny prisoners? I say not worth it. Just jerk off. That’s my motto for everything. If I’m feeling horny, ‘just jerk off.’ If I’m feeling lonely, ‘just jerk off.’ If I need to study for a big test that will determine whether I pass an important class or not, ‘just jerk off.’ Okay, that’s mostly a joke, but big tests tend to stress me out, and jerking off is a great way to relieve stress. Also if you’re angry I suggest jerking off. I hate christian bale, he makes me very angry, so sometimes I put his dumb ugly face on the computer screen and just jerk off very angrily staring deeply into his big dumb beautiful eyes the whole time. Now some people try to point out that doing that is totally gay, but there’s nothing gay about it. I’m not feeling any sexual emotions, just anger. Plus there’s a plus, it’s usually the most pleasurable jerks sessions I ever have – I really amaze myself sometimes, christian bale is easily in the top five people I hate most in the world yet I can still make jokes about jerking off to him, you people should have your pants down in awe of me.

On Pets and My Pets

This morning while laying in bed I heard my cat puke. This is not an unusual sound in my household. You see my cat Kilala – who my brother and sister apparently named after some fox-like character in some anime show, they named my other cat Cloud after the main character in the Final Fantasy 7 game, and please don’t get me started on how my brother and sister got to give these cats ridiculous names when I was the one who had to keep these cats in my room when they were kittens and wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and bottle feed them (they didn’t have a mother to feed them) and wipe their asses with a wet clothe because if you don’t they won’t be able to poop and they’ll die, and now when they’re older I have to keep their food in my room away from the other cats so whenever they’re hungry, or even just want to fuck with me, they scratch on my bedroom door nonstop, and of course the prime time they choose to do that is while I’m sleeping, and apparently my mother expects me to take the cats with me when I move out, well I got news for her, the cats will be long gone by the time I move out, no I’m not saying I’m going to kill them, I’m saying I’m not moving out for an extremely long period of time, like 70 years or something, but anyway – is bulimic. You’ve probably forgot what I was talking about. My cat pukes a lot and I’m assuming she’s bulimic because she pukes a lot after meals. It’s nothing to worry about, I assume. But this morning I heard her puke and when I got up to look for the puke and clean it up I couldn’t find it. So I keep looking around and wouldn’t you know it she somehow managed to puke directly into my shoe. I don’t know if that just happened to be where she was when she had to puke, or if she’s evil and did it purposely, but either way there is puke in my shoes, the left shoe that belongs to the pair of shoes that I wear most. And I do mean she puked into my shoe. The outside of the show is spotless. The inside is filled with undigested kitty food.

I realize why kids want pets, because they’re dumb, but why do adults want pets? Perhaps loneliness? If that’s the reason then those people must get dogs. I’m convinced dogs are the only animals who will give you their full attention 100% of the time. When you come home from work, or school, or wherever, a dog will be right there to greet you. Cat’s will too – if they’re not sleeping. My cats always come running to me when I get home from someplace, and by someplace I mean the strip club – that’s a joke I actually hate strip clubs because they depress me. But the difference between cats and dogs is that dogs, while they don’t really love you, want your attention and just like it feels good when a girl or boy wants your attention it feels good when your dog wants your attention. With a cat they don’t really want your attention, they just want you to feed them, then scratch their neck and behind their ears and then leave them the fuck alone so they can sleep for eight hours and then wake up and annoy you until you feed them again and then sleep again for eight hours. But then again some people don’t mind that. The sole reason they get a pet is because they have no one and they need to feel needed. If these people would just get addicted to television or masturbation then we could just go back to the olden days and have millions and millions of stray cats and dogs roaming the streets like they’re supposed to. I love coming across stray cats and dogs. I mean sure it’s depressing in a way because they don’t have a home, but it makes me feel like I’m in the wilderness, and at any moment they could attack me, which is why I always attack them first.

So why do couples get pets? Well I have a theory that one of the members in the relationship, most likely the woman, will toss out the idea of getting a pet because they want to see if the other member of the relationship, most likely the man, is responsible and will be able to take care of a child one day. (Prepare for bad racist joke.) This experiment doesn’t work well in Asia because often times the woman will bring home a dog and the man thinks he is supposed to cook it for dinner. I have a lot of Asian friends so I can say jokes like that (having Asian friends doesn’t permit you to be racist) well nothing permits you to be racist, but still some people need to be racist to make other people not look racist, even though they really are. And it wasn’t racist, it was a joke, and jokes can’t be racist. Or can they? If they can then I may have said a lot of racist things in my life.