#42 It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends….there’ll be benefits, right?

#42 It’s Cool, We Can Still Be Friends by Bright Eyes

This song always eventually reminds me of Eva, but not at all for the reasons the song would imply, and also note I said eventually (because you assume your readers are so dumb they wouldn’t have noticed it without you reminding them?) No, in fact quite the contrary, I think my readers are extremely smart, all two of them, Elana and Sam – I assume short for Samantha and to be honest I had no idea what her name was and I had to go back and look for it on her blog because in case she reads this I didn’t want her to think I didn’t know what her name was (mission not accomplished) all I remembered was her blog was named something like ninjapooptart, but probably not poop, possibly pop, and I was pretty sure that was just the name of her blog, and not her actual birth name.

This song is about a guy who used to be close with a girl but now they aren’t so much, and even though me and Eva have been very close and then not so close, we have never been close in a romantic way. More so in an I flirt nonstop and she comes up with new ways to ignore me kind of way. But we’ll go through periods where we’ll text or talk on the phone all night for two or three nights a week, but then we won’t talk to each other at all for like two or three weeks. Right now we’re at a good point in our friendship where we talk sort of regularly and I’m fine with just being friends and am content with just masturbating to the idea that maybe at one point she kind of almost wanted to have sex with me. That’s right, I don’t masturbate to thoughts of us having sex, because that would be completely unrealistic, but the idea of her maybe almost wanting to have sex with me at one point isn’t completely farfetched – even though I know her well I have no idea if she somehow reads this if she’d laugh at that or have no idea I was joking and be completely creeped out.

The eventually part is because the main concept of this song doesn’t really resonate with Eva and my friendship, but eventually I’ll remember that this was the Bright Eyes song that got me hooked on them, and then I’ll remember exactly where I was when I first listened to it, and then I’ll remember it was exactly around the time me and Eva first started talking, January of 2009. I know it would seem creepy to remember it that specific – luckily I don’t know the exact date – but it was at a time when a lot of stuff was happening in my life.

It was the first time I started feeling really ignored by that girl I once loved, for reasons I wouldn’t find out until later, so I got really depressed about that, and that’s the reason I started talking to Eva in the first place.

One night while on Myspace, before its untimely demise, wait a second, Myspace doesn’t really have anything to do with this story yet, I just recall being on it when I got a call from my sister, but the reader didn’t need to know I was on Myspace at the time, unless I just play this it off as adding extra detail to the story (and now they’ve gotten way too much extra detail) so one night while on Myspace my sister called me and she was hanging out with one of her friends – at this point you’re probably assuming it was Eva, but you’ll be surprised to learn that yes, you are correct in your assumption, good job Elana, and I’d congratulate Sam but she stopped reading after the creepy masturbation joke.

So Eva quickly says hi in the background because my sister made her or something and then my sister or whatever is showing Eva my picture on myspace (huh, turns out Myspace was relevant after all) and then she tells me that Eva thinks I’m cute and tells me to go look at Eva’s myspace picture and I look and I recall just thinking she was okay at the time, turns out she was really beautiful but at the time I was obsessed with the girl I loved so I really didn’t care how other girls looked, and I don’t recall what I told my sister but whatever and some other whatevers and the phone call ended and then later Eva friend requested me and we started messaging back and forth and then this reminds me of something mentioned in those conversations that happens a lot.

Somehow I mentioned that I was a virgin. I don’t recall how but it might have been something like this,

Eva: So what’s your favorite thing to eat?

Quentin: Steak. I like it rare, to the point that it’s still bleeding, just like vagina’s do every month, although I’m not well versed in vagina’s because my penis has never been inside one.

I’m very good at segueing anything to my virginity. But then she said the thing I absolutely hate hearing.

Eva: No way. I can’t believe a guy like you is a virgin.

I’ve heard that over and over and over and over again to the point that it’s no longer a compliment and more so makes me think about how much more of a loser I am because apparently girls think I can get laid, but somehow I still don’t. But at the same time it also makes me angry because these girls are saying it, but it’s not like they’re offering their selves up (probably because you refer to a girl having sex with you as her offering herself up) nonetheless it’s insulting because they’re saying I could totally have sex, but not with them (or maybe you’re just looking into it way too much?) that’s true of every situation.

Let me make my whole virginity thing clear quickly one more time, even though by now Sam is off assuredly doing something involving zombies and Elana has fallen asleep with her face planted on her keyboard but will wake up shortly once the three cups of green tea she’s drank fill her bladder and send her running to the toilet. It’s not that I won’t have sex until a certain point, like marriage or something. It’s just every single girl I’ve ever wanted to have sex with has either not wanted to have sex with me, I assume even though I’d never have the gall to inquire, or has been miles and miles out of the very short radius that my penis covers. So I don’t want anyone thinking I’m this great guy who doesn’t care about sex and is waiting for the right person. It’s only partly that. There have been, and still are, a few girls that if given the chance I would have sex with right at this moment, and a few more that I would have sex with but only after asking my mother to first leave the room (I don’t think that joke came off well, in case anyone didn’t get it it has nothing to do with incest). But I would say a larger part of being a virgin has to do with girls not liking me, or being far from me. Just wanted to make that clear quickly (failed on both the clear and quickly parts).

So over Myspace Eva gave me her number, but all I did was write it down and it sat in my room for about a week until one night after being ignored by the girl I loved for quite a while I couldn’t get any sleep and it was like 1 in the morning and I said fuck it, I’ll just call Eva and see if she can distract me. To my surprise she picked up and it couldn’t have been any more perfect. I said hi, and she said hold on and then hung up on me. I was in love. Or at least I fell in love with that being the result of me calling her for the first time. She called back and I told her who I was and she apologized and said I sounded like the guy from Twilight and we had a nice little conversation and I got some sleep and over the past two years I’ve probably talked to Eva more than I’ve talked to any other girl…yet she still won’t give up the pussy to me.

I wanted to end with that line just for the suddenness and humor in it, but I want my sister to read this because I’m going to be mean to her again and tell her I finally wrote another blog post about her even though I barely mentioned her and mentioned Eva way more and she’ll get annoyed at that and then she’ll probably tell Eva about this and when she does I at least wanna make sure that she knows that even though Eva is incredibly beautiful I would much rather just continue being close friends with her rather than having unbelievably orgasmic – for me – and incredibly awkward and annoying – for her – sex.

45 tonight has been fucking horrible, but this post isn’t about that. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow for that (what a wonderful title)

#45 A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

So as anyone who vaguely pays attention to my top 101 songs list knows on quite a few occasions I don’t really write much about the band or song occupying the slot I’m meant to write about. Well I love Bright Eyes, and I love this song, but unfortunately that doesn’t change my laziness. I have this other pretty embarrassing thing on my mind and I want to write about that instead, but I want to get another song done so I’m just going to lump them together, and maybe I’ll add a little bit about my feelings on the song at the end if I’m not tired or off wasting more time on omgpop.com, aw speaking of that particular site.

There’s this gaming site I just mentioned that has a bunch of little fun games you can play with people all across the world. They’re mostly cheap and less fun rip off’s of more popular games, like Connect Four which they, I assume knowingly, call fourplay, fleet fighters which is Battle Ship, Booya which is Uno which is basically crazy 8s, and many more games. I waste a lot of time on this site. Anytime I have something important to do I can pretty much guarantee you I’ll be on omgpop playing games with mostly 14 year olds it seems like.

So earlier tonight I was playing my favorite game which is called dinglepop, which I can’t think of its equivalent, but it’s where you aim colored balls at other color balls and try to destroy them by matching colors. That was a piss poor description but I’ve always been much more Vonnegut than Hemmingway.

So I was playing and these two Asian girls come in the room I was playing in, and they start dominating because this is a computer game and they’re Asian and all Asians are good with everything computer related. I’m of course stereotyping, but trust me, go on that site and try to beat an Asian at any of those games. Good luck. Except for the racing one. They all suck at that one for some reason (hmm, perhaps a joke is in there).

So these Asian bitches start kicking my ass. And I’m not calling them bitches because they’re beating me. I’m calling them bitches because they’re being rude about it, and not just to me, but to others. I don’t really care if people are mean to me. In fact they made fun of my big nose and I barely even weeped into my pillow for two hours. But I don’t like when people are mean to other people because I know they’re more sensitive to that kind of thing – I’m actually very, very, very sensitive, and if someone I like doesn’t like something about me, especially if they think I’m ugly, which granted is right of them to think, or think I’m not funny, again right of them to think, then I get really upset.

So later I invite this girl I know to play with us and perhaps help those Asian girls lose. So she plays and we start to do better and they continue to be mean even as they start to win less frequently. And my friend is telling me to kick them from the game because I’m in the front seat of the game or whatever and I can kick people but I don’t like to because it’s mean and even though these whores were mean I stupidly choose not to kick them. But shortly later my friend has to go to sleepy bye so she leaves and says bye and then one of the whores says “bye ugly,” to her and then I snap.

First of all she’s not ugly at all, so now that whore has become a liar, which might be worse than a whore. So I try to kick her from the game but for whatever reason I can’t, so I kick her bitchy friend, and then the game starts, and then in an act of God I kill at the game and quickly remove all the balls from my screen which is rare and then I win first place and then I type in the chat box to the Asian whore, “Have fun with my balls in your face all night.”

About way less than a minute later I realize I’m 23 and judging from her display picture she’s probably about 15, although those Asians do look younger than they really are, just look at the 2008 Olympic gymnastics team that won Gold, they all looked younger than 16 which is the age requirement and being younger than that would be an advantage in the gymnastics but they were clearly of age…oh wait, documents show otherwise. USA Pride! I’m kidding, I actually have very little pride for my country. I love some things about it and hate other things. And to anyone who says, “if you don’t like this country then move,” I say fuck off, and I hate all countries. Yes, we’re one of the better ones but I’m not going to pretend like we’re perfect – by the way in the Olympics I usually just root for whatever person or team has the most inspiring story.

But anyway, probably rude of me to say that to that little Asian brat. But she was being a total bitch and deserved it. Also I’m a little bit scared that the next time I walk into a leaving room Chris Hanson is going to walk out, paper in hand, and say, “’Have fun with my balls in your face all night,’ sounds like you had a pretty perverted night in store for you and this fifteen year old Asian girl, am I right?” And then I’ll have to defend myself by saying, “No, I wasn’t hitting on her, I was making fun of her and trying to make the fifteen year old Asian girl cry.” – Chris Hanson is from Dateline To Catch A Predator, where they catch all those pedophiles, I only explain this because I used that joke before on someone and she had no idea who Chris Hanson was.

So about the song, I love the name of the EP Every Day And Every Night which this song is on. It’s one of those so simple yet sounds so great things. Like the name of another Bright Eyes album I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning.

I’ve been sitting here for like 20 minutes because I don’t want to end it that way. I always like to have something funny or poignant to end on, but with this I’ve got nothing, and it bugs me. And now I’m thinking of all these other things I could write pages and pages on, but no ending for this. This has disappointed me. However my night shall remain unruined. It’s so hard to just post this like this. I can’t do it. I don’t think I can do. I’m pretty sure I can’t do it. Fuck it, I’m going to do it.

I didn’t do it.

#51 Happy Birthday To Me (Feb 15) by Bright Eyes

This song is meaningful to me in that its title reminds me of that girl I used to love. I’m not entirely sure why it reminds me of her, but on a completely unrelated topic her birthday happens to be on February 15^th. I had been listening to this song for about a year before I realized the commonality. What’s weirder is that certain lines of the song like, “I’m sorry for the phone call and needing you,” had made me think of her before the titled had forever entrenched my mind with memories of her every time I hear the song.

Originally this post was going to be all about her, and the crazy things I had planned on doing for her birthday, which I never got to do because every time her birthday came around we were always in a not entirely talking to each other mode, but I’m desperately trying to not make her such a big part of my life, which so far I’ve desperately failed at doing, which is no fault of her (there should be a ‘which’ count going).

At one point I was going to write her a message on Facebook, which (4) has become our only form of communication, or rather my way of talking to her no longer expecting her to respond, explaining to her that I’m sorry for everything I did and harboring the grudges I’ve continued to harbor for so long, and then I was going to stop writing about her and making the dumb jokes I do about what happened between us, which (5) aren’t entirely jokes, which (6) I’m sure you and her – if she ever read any of this – are fully aware weren’t entirely jokes concerning the way I felt and feel about the situation.

Riki Lindhome, my current "celebrity" crush. And it's a big one because it's based mostly on personality.

I’ve toggled back and forth many times between writing her that note and then forever not writing about her, but I can’t do the latter ever I think. It’s just a part of me. Maybe one day I can get rid of all the grudges I have. In fact I’m pretty sure if I were to be with another girl I love I could throw all that behind me. I could stop blaming myself for ruining my chances with who I once considered to be the finest female specimen to ever walk this planet, Riki Lindhome excluded.

Akin to that thought, I was listening to the Adam Carolla show today and this girl was on (Donna Antebi) and they were talking about men who cheat and I was thinking about how I really don’t think I could be one of those guys. Of course I’m young and with age and spite I’m sure I’ll change, hopefully not. But it’s not really a principal thing for me. I don’t not want to cheat because it’s bad and it will hurt the person who I assumedly love or at least loved – although that certainly helps me not want to cheat even more – but when I’m with a girl I really don’t think about being with other girls and wishing I could have a night with Scarlett Johansson or whatever starlet’s hot at the moment, granted I’ve never really “been” with a girl. I’m sure I’d be taking the quickest lay I could find out of the house with all the constant nagging and talk of Oprah the wife is doing, right fellas? I’m kidding.

When I was in at my emotional fullest with that girl I loved and fully expected us to one day get married I didn’t think about all the girls I wouldn’t get to sleep with even though I was so very young and had never had sex. I prepared to go through this life having only slept with one girl. Unfortunately now I’m starting to worry if I’ll even get to the one. It’s not that I don’t want to be one of those guys who tells all his buddies about all the notches on his bedpost and crazy sexual stories he has. It’s that I’m not one of those guys. Conversely I wouldn’t even take pride in the fact that I was loyal and only with one girl. I don’t care about that. I just have this chip in my brain that makes me want to find the one girl I can love most and then spend my entire life creating beautiful memories with her – I’m pretty sure the chip in my brain was just a metaphor, but also the chip is designed to make me think that. It sucks in a lot of ways because I am very afraid of getting in a relationship with a person and then having it end. I’m not a ‘plenty of other fish in the sea’ type person. I’m a ‘leave me alone for a week on the floor with a bottle of Jager and Bright Eyes playing’ kind of guy, which (7) brings me back to the song.

I was going to talk about Valentine’s Day but I guess I had other things going through my mind. I do want to make mention that one thing I like about it is it’s a third day of the year (with Christmas and Birthdays) where all those douche bag boyfriends have to at least attempt to do something to make their girlfriend happy. I would much prefer if those douche bags would do things like that on regular occasions, but of course then they’d lose their oh-so-important douche bag status. Or even better, perhaps those girls could dump their douche bag boyfriends and realize they can do so much better. There are few things in this world more sad than when a sweet girl is with an asshole guy. I’ve seen it a lot and the joke reason behind it is he’s got a huge cock, and the not so funny reason behind it is daddy issues.

Lastly, I forgot to mention a couple paragraphs up, but when I like a girl, like really like a girl and it’s pretty obvious that she likes me back, my masturbation numbers go way down. I’ll go whole weeks without jerking off, which (8) is the equivalent of Charlie Sheen going two weeks without coke and a hooker (cheap joke). There are two reasonings behind this. One is that I use masturbation as a distraction from stress and depression. But when I’m in like with a girl I’m happy so there’s not much need for it. And two, and this is more along the lines of what I was saying about myself earlier, when I really like a girl other girls just don’t seem so appealing anymore, even sexually. Although semi-recently things have gotten complicated with me liking multiple girls and not knowing which (9) one I really like best. And it sucks even worse because it’s still hard to think about being with any of them because I of course still love that girl I used to love.

#78 Poison Oak by Bright Eyes

This is essentially the song that saved Bright Eyes for me. The story goes that I was sitting at my cousin’s house and everybody else was passed out, or drugged or something, and I was listening to my cousin’s ipod and came across Bright Eyes, a band that sounded familiar but I didn’t know any songs from. So I listened through some songs and it was just alright and then I came across two songs, one of which was No Lies Just Love and the other I won’t name because it’s on my list much later. I quickly fell in love with both the songs. Boring story so far, right? Don’t worry it gets boringer.

So a little while later I’m at the local music store, that doesn’t exist anymore thanks to all your rat bastards downloading music off the internet – I’m one of those rat bastards but at least I always buy the CD if I like the band enough, and I actually prefer buying the CD, even if its more money, than owning a digital copy on the computer. So I come across the Bright Eyes section. It wasn’t really a whole section, it was just a label with the words Bright Eyes and two CDs under it surrounded by a billion other labels of a billion other bands. Remembering that I liked those two Bright Eyes songs I heard on my cousin’s ipod I bought both the CDs.

Well the two Albums happened to be Digital Ash In A Digital Urn and I’m Wide, Awake It’s Morning. If you’re a fan of Bright Eyes I’m taking a guess those aren’t your two favorite albums. They’re perfectly fine amongst the crap being played on the radio, but they’re not the best of Bright Eyes. I gave them a few listens and I wasn’t very impressed. There were a couple kind of good songs on Digital Ash In A Digital Urn but at the time there was almost no songs I liked on I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning, aside from the song harboring this position on the countdown. It was Poison Oak that kept bringing me back to that album, and eventually I found the good in other songs on the album like Lua, Land Locked Blues, Road To Joy – which ends the album perfectly – and We Are Nowhere, And It’s Now which I stupidly took off the list at the last minute which is crazy because I essentially like it better than Poison Oak, but Poison Oak got more bonus points because like I mentioned it was the song that kept Bright Eyes alive as a possibly good band for me, and then lead to me buying more Bright Eyes albums which I now love. In fact I love We Are Nowhere, And It’s Now so much that I might just post a video of that song instead of Poison Oak because I think if you only listen to one (even though they’ll probably listen to neither) it should be We Are Nowhere, And It’s Now.

“If you hate the taste of wine, why do you drink it all the time? And if you swear that there’s no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you’re right? Why are you scared to dream of God, when it’s salvation that you want? See stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea just lives on.”

Those lyrics start off the wonderful We Are Nowhere, And It’s Now. That’s right, I’m done talking about Poison Oak, and now I’m going to talk about the song that should have been placed here. Emmylou Harris, who I don’t particularly know of but apparently has done great things, provides wonderful backing vocals on the track. There’s something about a guy and a girl singing at the same time that sounds great to me, which is weird because in porn there is something terribly disturbing about hearing a girl and a guy moan at the same time. Well it’s more of the girl moaning and the guy groaning. I don’t understand why the guy is groaning. Or why he looks so put off and angry so much. Some of these male porn stars make it look like getting paid to have sex with a girl who is at least moderately attractive is hard work. The guy doesn’t need to work hard because A) he has a big penis, enough said – I don’t buy that ‘it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean’ bullshit, that’s a complete lie, that saying was only invented to make me feel better – B) the girl is being paid to look like she’s enjoying it, so even if she was having sex with William Hung, who’s last name I’m guaranteeing is a lot more than just a little bit ironic, she would be moaning like Johnny Depp was eating her out, which I guarantee you isn’t as pleasant as all you ladies oh-so desire it to be and C) nobody who watches porn is doing it to watch the guy…and imagine that was written in all caps because I’m basically yelling it (then why not write it in all caps?) BECAUSE WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS ANNOYING! (point taken).

#88 The New Is In by The Morning Of

This is the third song I’ve had at the 88^th spot, and for the love of God let’s hope it’s the last. By the way, from the time I wrote that first sentence to the time I went and quickly checked something online I thought about putting another song here. I think it’s the double 8s that are freaking me out. It just looks so unnatural to me. Like two infinity signs placed on top of each other and then turned sideways. What the fuck that would freak me out for I have no idea. Guess I’m just buying time.

This song lost considerable points because the last 57 seconds of it sucks major ass. I hate when songs do this. The 57 seconds adds nothing to the song, and does nothing but make me wait longer for the next song to pop up on my mp3 player. The most blatantly horrendous case of this was Bright Eyes’s EP Every Day and Every Night, which has a great title and great cover, where each of the songs endings gets longer and longer with crap before I have to wait for the next song. That EP has a song featured on my list and not surprisingly it’s the song with the least bullshit noise at the end of it. Listen, I love Conor Oberst in a way only one emo boy could love another emo boy (is that a gay way?) I have no idea, but he is the king of putting crap at the beginning and end of songs that don’t need to be there. He could make a whole album filled with that stuff called Crap Noise I Put At The Beginning And Ending Of Songs Just To Annoy Quentin.

However, even with the crap that technically makes up a forth of this song I still enjoy it. I’m a big fan of bands that have a boy and a girl as the lead singers. Girls sound by far better than males vocally, the only problem is that ever since hearing Alanis Morissette sing about going down on Uncle Joey from Full House in a movie theatre I haven’t been able to connect with female singers the same. I’m always like, ‘oh yeah, I totally connect with what this female vocalist is throwing down.’ Then I sit for a moment and say, ‘wait, how sure am I she isn’t just using a metaphor for blowing an ex boyfriend?’ And I’m never too sure. So many metaphors can be made for blowing a guy. I’ve just now made it my goal in life to one day use a metaphor of giving head to a group of inner city kids to teach them the values of the first amendment. Doing this will either be the thing for which I am remembered when I die, or the thing which causes me to die.

“I take these things for more than what they’re worth. I take each kiss for more than what it’s meant to be. Call me a hopeless romantic, call me just plain pathetic. I am what I feel and tonight I’m not that much.”

These are some of my favorite lyrics for the mere fact that, unlike Alanis Morissette’s lyrics, I can connect with them. I take everything for more than what it’s meant to be. The other day I texted a girl and when she responded I was sure she was digging me. I wasn’t so sure when after the 33^rd text, 31 of which by me, she responded with ‘I warned you. Now I’m calling the cops.” I’m not completely sure how the kids do it, but I’m pretty confident that’s not sexting.

I’ve kissed three girls in my entire life (that number should have been four) and at the time I could have swore I would end up marrying all of them. Actually I was sure in the moment of each of these kisses that they meant absolutely nothing. The first kiss happened when I was seven and we were playing spin the bottle and I’m pretty sure that’s before I was even aware I had a penis and that girls existed for any reason other than stealing their Barbie dolls so my GI Joes could have something to do in their spare time after I made them pillage a village. The second time I kissed a girl I was drunk, she was drunk and we were being egged on by my drunk cousin and a drunk Timothy Martin, whose name I only mention because I pretty much mention his name whenever possible. And the third time I’m pretty sure the girl thought I was a lesbian and she was doing a scavenger hunt that required she kiss a lesbian. However the second I finally take it to the next level and make out with a chick I can assure you I’ll take it for more than what it’s meant to be. Oh Holy Lord how sad is it that at 23 I still haven’t made out with someone? “Pretty fucking pathetic,” replies the Holy Lord.

And then of course I’m a hopeless romantic, mostly hopeless, but romantic when given the opportunity (are we assuming romantic and creepy are interchangeable in meaning?) shut up your face. That goes back to the taking things for more than what their worth part. Maybe I get a little too romantic a little too quickly. I suppose I’ll never get it right (now you’re just plain pathetic) ah ha! And yet again I relate to those lyrics. Except I firmly believe I’m not just being pathetic, I’m pathetic to the core. It’s part of who I am. It’s ingrained in my genes. Granted genes that somehow managed to skip every single other person in my family, but still they’re my genes. I never feel ‘not that much’. I’m pretty much always feeling some kind of emotion, and it’s pretty much whatever emotion most corresponds with patheticness.

I can’t stay happy for more than just moments. I do cherish those moments, but they don’t make up for every fucking night of feeling pathetic. I even go out to the bar with Nathan and I don’t get drunk enough fast enough so I spend a considerable amount of the night when I’m supposed to be having fun instead feeling even more pathetic for not being able to have fun while I’m drinking. I just don’t have anything going for me, and it’s hard to imagine turning it around. I’m trying to, at least I think, but it seems so far away. I have the podcast, but that seems to be getting less listeners as it goes along, but at least recording it with Chris is still fun. I write this and even though no one seems to be reading it in the moment I’m distracted and at times very silly and happy. The few times I get to hang out with my friends I’m less sad, so that’s a thing – made me laugh writing that at least, although not in a great way.

I was lying back in bed moments ago thinking about all those nights feeling hopeless and pathetic and like there was a better chance of the moon crushing me before I could ever begin to do something of worth. And I remembered back to when I was in love. I don’t mean loved someone, but was in love, love going both directions. Me loving her, her loving me, or at least that’s what was implied, and I believed at the time, kind of hard to believe it now, but God damn did I believe it then. And even though she wasn’t with me, and even though I had nothing going for me, I would get sad at nights, and then I would think of her, and I would smile, because at least I had her, it didn’t matter that I had nothing because I had her and that seemed like everything, and I had someone who made me feel like I wasn’t worthless, and that I could actually be something someday. And even though I still sucked, and I still got sad, whenever I thought about having her and her having me I would smile. I miss that. Believe me I want the new to be in, but god damn it I miss the old.

That was a cheesy way of making the last couple of paragraphs have any semblance of relevance with the song.