#37 If It Makes You Less Sad I’ll Write My First Blog Post In Over A Week…what, that makes you more sad?

#37 The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New

I was a big Brand New fan from almost the beginning of their rise to fame, and by fame I don’t mean real fame, just fame as in having a few million people know who you are but not having even a single percent of the awareness of the populace that Lady Gaga or even Justin Bieber (and now Rebecca Black) have – by the way, concerning Rebecca Black and how people like to make fun of her song Friday, please keep in mind that she didn’t write it, and that it was written and produced by Clarence Jey and Patrice Wilson, so lay off Rebecca Black, she’s only 13, and start making fun of those assumedly adult hacks – I remember recording the music video for Jude Law And A Semester Abroad and watching it over and over again. It wasn’t too interesting of a music video, I just loved the song. It did that thing that I hate in videos where it shows the band playing their instruments. I’d rather just have a story in the music video. Showing the band playing their instruments seems like a cop out to me. I didn’t mind it back then, but now it’s been totally fucked out. But I remember that video being the first time I saw a guitarist do that thing where they sling the guitar around their body and then catch it and start playing again. I was completely amazed by that.

The point is that I loved Brand New, and I had bought their first album, Your Favorite Weapon, and loved that, but then my family no longer had cable, and therefore no longer had MTV, and I didn’t have the internet, so I was never aware of when bands came out with new albums, so I was completely unaware of Brand New’s second album until like two years after it had came out. And the first time I became aware of it was through this song, which when I first heard I didn’t even realize it was Brand New.

  One day it came on my favorite radio station, 94.7 NRK, which I don’t listen to anymore because listening to the radio is a hassle, and a couple seconds into the song I could tell that I was going to like it so I jumped over to the radio and hit the record bottom on the built in cassette player – Yep, my radio came with a cassette player, jealous? As I assume most people my age did, I used to always record songs off the radio because it was cheaper than CDs and illegally downloading songs off the internet ironically could only be done by the people who had money and could afford computers – I say that like this was 20 years ago and computers were the size of a two door Honda, but in reality it was only like six or seven years ago. So I loved the song immediately and would listen to it a lot, but never knowing it was sung by Jesse Lacey because it sounded a lot different than how he had sung on Your Favorite Weapon. It was only weeks, or perhaps months, later when Jamie Cooley was talking about the song before she played it and had mentioned it was by Brand New. Then I quickly did the math that it was a song I didn’t know by Brand New and that they must have a new album out and I quickly bought the album, Deaj Entendu (translated to Already Heard), even though I didn’t have much money back then.

I kind of liked that about the past. Lately whenever I want to buy a CD I just buy the CD and don’t really think about it much in financial terms. Although nowadays I pretty much only buy CDs of bands I love, partly to help support them financially, although I suppose if I wanted to help them financially I should really stop buying so many of the CDs used. It’s just a cheap habit I can’t quite kick. The point is that back in the olden days I never had any money because I was just a dumb kid (whereas now the ‘kid’ part can be dropped) so the only time I could get CDs was for Christmas or my birthday or with the little money I would save up, so every time I got a CD it would mean a lot to me. Not to mention that my music collection was so much smaller, and there weren’t ways like Youtube, or Pandora, or Lastfm.com to listen to and find new music for free, so I would listen to the CD over and over again. So I don’t get that connection with new music that I used to, except with the bands I love of course, where I’ll try not to listen to new singles and just wait until the CD comes out and then buy a physical copy of the CD and listen to it over and over again throughout the day just like I used to do in the past.

I should probably talk about this song, because lyrically it’s such a beautiful song. And I really do mean beautiful. I don’t just want to get it drunk, fuck the shit out of it, and then not call it back the next day. I want to slowly open up to it, and caress it, and make passionate love to it, and then not call it back the next day – I assume I will have moved on to a new beautiful song by then. Let me show you some of my favorite lyrics from the song.

“And if it makes you less sad, I’ll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.”

“And if it makes you less sad, we’ll start talking again. You can tell me how vile, I already know that I am.”

#64 Sic Transit Gloria…Glory Fades by Brand New

Apparently this song is about a boy hesitant to lose his virginity to a girl who he’s looking for much more than just sex in. I related a lot more with this song a few years back, in the sense that come the time I would lose my virginity I would probably have no idea what to do, and in fact having sex with the girl would probably not even be my first choice of things to do with the girl. A good cuddle while discussing the events that transpired on that night’s episode of Survivor would seem much more appealing. It’s not like younger Quentin had no desire for sex, it’s just his mind was corrupted with the idea of love and there being more to the relationship between a man and a woman than just sex. The Quentin of now realizes the error in his ways, and that true love doesn’t exist, but is just a word guys throw around to get girls to sleep with them over and over again and not feel bad about it.

I jest to a certain extent, I am not that jaded, but I’m sure one day I might be. I guess what I was trying to get to is that as the years go by I’m less and less looking for that girl I’d like to spend the rest of my life with, and now settling, although in a struggling manner, with the idea that I’ll have to go through many women to find that special girl, which is not something I’d like to do, both because I don’t like the idea of getting my heart broken and I don’t like the idea of potentially breaking any girls hearts.

I guess I’m kind of struggling with the idea of becoming a person who can have sex without real emotion. Whereas three years ago I feel like that would have been impossible I now feel like even though I don’t really want to be that kind of person – not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with being that kind of person – I think I could very well have sex with girls I don’t really feel anything for. Certainly the fact that I’m still virgin affects that. I’m completely opposed to having sex with a hooker, or even just the neighborhood slut. I’m no longer waiting for love, nor do I think I ever was, but I’d like to wait for someone I really care about and who I think the possibility of love could happen with. But the way I’m going as a person, and the constant disappointment I’ve had with women over the past couple of years, I feel like sex is going to be to me what it is to most other guys, and I don’t really like that.

I think I think about sex a lot, but after examining it I actually think a lot about me not having sex. Whenever I think about having sex it usually involves a girl I like and then it’s less about thinking about sex and is much more about other stuff involving her and me. Whenever it doesn’t work out with one of these girls I’ve liked I don’t get disappointed that I won’t have sex with them, it’s always disappointment over other things. Although to be honest it completely rips me apart to think about other people having sex with the girls I once liked. I find this weird, because at the same time when I think about them being in a loving relationship with someone else I don’t get as upset, and I think it’s because deep down if I really like them I want them to be happy above all else, and then there’s also that part about me wanting to be the saddest person in the world, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Even though the song is about sex I didn’t expect this post to take this direction. In fact yesterday I wrote mostly on serious matters, so I was hoping today I’d keep it light-hearted, but this year has started off pretty terribly, and despite how much I enjoy writing it hasn’t really been able to knock me out of the funk, and the people who usually make me happy aren’t here, so everything kind of sucks, but I’m gonna get past it, because despite all my horrible qualities I still believe I control my mood, and I’ll figure out a way to stop feeling like this.

I hate her so much. I miss her so much.

#70 Logan To Government Center by Brand New

“Consider this a letter that I never sent. However inconsiderate it seems. Do you still consider me…consider me the boy you laughed with, or you learned to live without?…I suck, I know I’m late, I know you waited.”

I’ve probably sang the beginning of this song as much as I’ve ever sang the beginning of any song. I love the way it flows. The triple use of consider and then the fourth in the word inconsiderate I find great. I find it enjoyable to often repeat the same word multiple times very close to each other, and often it’s done subconsciously – although the choice to use often twice just now was very conscious – and it very well could have been established in my head as a pleasant thing to do because of my love of this song, which I’ve sang the beginning of many, many times over about the last eight years.

Also I say “I suck, I know,” a lot. Every now and then I’ll throw in the ‘I’m late, I know you waited’ part, but only as an inside joke to myself or if it’s appropriate to the situation. But usually now when I say “I suck, I know” it’s done without consciously trying to reference the song. I think this happens a lot with me from the earlier albums of Brand New, Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday because they were the CDs I owned before I had the internet and I would just listen to them over and over again. I think it makes sense that some of the lyrics would be built into my now natural dialogue. Some thing like, “you wouldn’t make me not alone,” seems like something I would say, but of course that’s probably only because I’ve sang the line from this song about a million times.

#77 Magazines by Brand New

You’d think this song would be number one on my list considering it alludes to masturbation, “Laetitia, you’ve got my hand shaking.” Took me years and years to realize what he meant by that. But I guess that’s what I get for deciding to jerk off with my forearms as opposed to my hands. I couldn’t possibly imagine what it’d be like to jerk off with my forearms. Okay, not only did I imagine what it’d be like, but I also all but whipped out my penis while making the motions of jerking off with my forearms. Okay, maybe my pants came down, but I’ll defend to the death that my forearms made no contact.

The Laetitia being referred to in this song is none other than Laetitia Casta, who happens to have quite pleasant breasts. I was about to mention how I’ve masturbated to Laetitia Casta the same amount of times as I’ve masturbated to this song, and then I was going to joke saying 352 times and then say ‘kidding, zero’, but after googling Laetitia Casta to give my memory a quick refresher, Laetitia may gain the lead over the song in about one minute and forty-five seconds, give or take forty-six seconds.

I’m not a genius when it comes to getting chicks, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing more that will get a girl to fall in love with you than to write a song about masturbating to her. I’ve spoken to a few of my hot chick friends – at this point you’re wondering if I really do have hot chicks friends and I do and they’re just friends and they’ll always just be friends because I’m not a creep and just pretending to be friends with them to eventually get them drunk enough to sleep with me, but mostly they’re hot chicks so there’s no amount of alcohol that could ever get them drunk enough to debase their selves and sleep with me – and I’ve guaranteed them that there most certainly have been guys who have thought about them while masturbating, and no I don’t mean me. I only masturbate to girls I think I really have a shot with, so basically I just masturbate to pictures of cheap hookers on Craigslist. And when I tell the chicks this they first don’t believe me, and then they find it disgusting, which is beyond me.

If someone told me a girl was masturbating to me, even the most unpleasant and ugly and just unappealing in every way possible (Aunt Betty?) in that vein but let’s say not related to me – I don’t really have an Aunt Betty – I would be thrilled that they were masturbating while thinking of me. In fact it’s kind of my dream to have a girl masturbate while thinking of me, almost more so than having sex with me. Think about it, I could have been the last guy at the bar and she could be extremely drunk and gone weeks without sex and needed a fuck and basically I was her last option. But with masturbation she doesn’t have to be thinking about me. There are billions of guys she could be thinking about or googling, and out of all of them she chose to think about me while googling herself.

“Girl, come to me. The only broken-hearted loser you’ll ever need, or I’ll be left alone forever with my magazines.”

#79 Bike Scene by Taking Back Sunday

This is the first of six Taking Back Sunday songs on the list. It holds a special place with me because along with the first and third track on the album Tell All Your Friends – Bike scene was the second track – I used to sing them in full in album order while taking a shower before school, back at some point in high school, and whenever I finished the third song I would end the shower, even if it was mid masturbation. I’m actually not a shower masturbator. Never have been but probably will be when I get married and my wife blocks out all the naughty websites so the ‘kids’ won’t see them, but I know she’s really doing it so I won’t look at them. I mean I could just go and bye some porn but I’d have to stash it at least sixty yards from the house because my future wife can stiff out pornography and if she finds any in the house that means I won’t get any for at least a week. And by any I mean cake. She’s a world class baker. Sex I’ll still get. She’s a sex addict so she can’t really hold that back. It’s sad really (if only you spent more time planning out a real future than a future involving a wife you’ll never have you might get somewhere in life) Who says I have to get anywhere in life? I’m 23 for Christ’s sake, if we were living in the time of cholera I’d be considered an old man. Okay, not entirely true, I just wanted to say living in the time of cholera because I thought it was the name of a movie I saw five minutes of when doing some theatre work a few years back, but it turns out the real title was ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ which is a much better title. Yeah, just like you I didn’t start this off thinking at some point I would mention Love in the Time of Cholera either.

What I could love even in the time of cholera is the song Bike Scene by Taking Back Sunday. How’s that for a good segue? Two things: 1) a segue ceases to be a good segue when the person mentions just how good of a segue it was. And 2) I was just thinking about a fellow blogger assumedly named Holly (hollythestrange) because in the very first post about my music list she left a comment saying she liked Taking Back Sunday and she checks out my blog every once in a while and I thought she might be happy to see this Taking Back Sunday song and I was also curious to see how she felt about this particular song, and here I am not having really said anything relevant about this Taking Back Sunday song yet.

Tell All Your Friends is by far my favorite of Taking Back Sunday’s four albums, and it is very much because of the first three songs on the album, and also very much because the other three albums aren’t too amazing – the second album Where You Want To Be has two songs on the list and Louder Now has one song which will come up on the list very soon while New Again has no songs.

A lot of bands first albums are considered their best album, and Adam Carolla has an insightful take on this. A song writer has all these pent up memories and emotions from their entire life and they use that to create the songs on their first album. And they’re trying to make it the best it can be so they’re using everything they know and have and put it into the album so it will be good and successful. And then once it is good and successful the record label of course wants the band to put out another album as soon as possible and the band pretty much as to start from scratch. Like if a singer came out with their first album when they were 25 they had 25 years working towards that album, obviously not all 25 of those years, but a lot of them. And then if the person has to put out another album two years later they probably have to start with a fresh piece of paper, instead of having all these lines written on scratch paper, and ideas for melodies in their head that they’ve already put into the first album. It must be tough for bands to keep coming out with albums and trying to put a fresh take on things.

I give a lot of credit to Brand New because I can guarantee you that if I played three random songs, one off each of their first three albums, to ten random people and asked them what band sounded better at least 75% of them wouldn’t think all the songs were from one band or even mention that the bands sounded similar. Their first three albums all have distinctively different sounds from each other. You can’t say that about Taking Back Sunday, but that’s not a put down because you can’t say that about any band really. Unfortunately Brand New’s most recent album wasn’t different enough to be able to do it with all their albums. I was really hoping it would either have been country or gangster rap.

I’ll touch on Bike Scene a little bit before I end with yet again a disappointing masturbation joke. [Thoughts running through Quentin’s head: oh crap, I don’t have a masturbation joke to end on. Don’t worry I’ll come up with something.] I really like the beginning of this song, but then it starts to slow down and I’d mind that more if it didn’t help accentuate the last fifty seconds of the song which very well may have been my favorite of any part of all the songs to sing in the shower those lonely mornings before class when I should have been masturbating. [Thoughts running through Quentin’s head: Holy crap, I can’t believe I actually thought of a poor masturbation joke to end on, unfortunately it got in the way of my original way of ending which was going to be a masturbation joke about not being able to come up with a masturbation joke, it would have went a little something like this “thoughts running through Quentin’s head: oh crap, I couldn’t come up with a masturbation joke, oh well, I’ll just think of something later and add it in after I’m done masturbating.” A smarter writer would have just picked the funnier or more apt for the situation of the two masturbation jokes and ended with one, but me, well I explained my whole thought process and after all that I technically didn’t end the blog with a masturbation joke.]

#82 Sowing Season by Brand New

My God damn knitted slipper thingies have a gaping hole in the big toe area. They were very comfortable, now they are at best annoying with a side of semi-comfort. My choices are to either let my feet go bare, put on some socks, sew up the hole – if this choice is made hopefully I’ll remember to take my foot out of the slipper thingy before I start sewing – or leave the slipper thingy on and bear with the annoyance.  For the past couple of days I’ve chose annoyance.

I like this song because it starts off mellowish, but then around the one minute mark it explodes.

That’s really all I have to say about the song. I’m not really in a writing about songs mood at the moment. Apparently I’m more in a write about the hold in my slipper thingy mood. There’s one huge distinction between the two moods, that being one is interesting and the other is not. As always I have of course chose the less interesting.

#96 – Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New

Quick addendum which I promise will be quicker than the quick tangent coming up later in this blog:

This song should be considerably higher on my list (at least ten spots) but because I ended up writing a little too much when I wrote for the original song that goes here before I even mentioned the song or the artist I didn’t want to make it a really long blog and instead decided to put what I wrote with a song I didn’t have too much to say about. I love Soco Amaretto Lime and I love Brand New and since Brand New will be featured a lot on this list I’ll have plenty of opportunities to mention things about them. Also the advantage of this is that I make mention of Brand New before getting into the 70s, which means they will be more spread out on the list than before. My hopes are that no band appears more than twice in a ten song span, excluding once we get in the top 20 when it looks to be made up of mostly four bands. But hopefully you’ll enjoy the song, and also my talk of nothing that has to do with the song.

Quick addendum ended.

Finally I’m back to semi-productivity after three days full of complete laziness covered in a well overcooked, thick mess of disappointment sauce. Not very much disappointment for me, considering you must get your hopes up first in order to be let down. I however had high hopes for Nathan this week. It started off with great news because he told me he had went out with his co-workers to a bar in celebration of one of them (not Nathan) quitting their job, and a girl who we learned was drunker than she was hot gave Nathan her number.

First of all, no, calling her drunker than she was hot is not a put down. It’s clearly a compliment of how much alcohol she can consume and still get out the statement “Hey, you’re cute, you should have my number, and by the way my place is just around the corner,” and still manage an understandability of a B minus. Apparently Nathan didn’t get the signal of ‘my place is just around the corner,’ as ‘I’m easy when drunk, now’s your chance to do me before I sober up and cross my legs.’ In Nathan’s defense he was super drunk too, so we should cut him some slack, and also give him credit for not making the mistake so many guys often do by sleeping with a chick that seems so much hotter than she does when you wake up sober next to her.

Quick little tangent: I don’t agree with this ‘regretting having slept with the ugly boy/girl’ thing. I only agree with it if the hotter member fears the uglier person really likes the hotter member and now the hotter member has to tell the uglier person that they don’t have feeling for said uglier person. As opposed to the compassionless regretting of the hotter member (usually a guy in this situation) fearing that all their friends will find out about the situation and make fun of the hotter person mercilessly for it. I also contend that this is a large portion of the reason guys don’t hook up with ‘less attractive’ girls more often. And actually I think this goes for girls too, but somehow they manage a way to ignore it more often. People want to be with a person other people are going to jealous of.

I prey to God this is why celebrities are so appealing, because as much as they are beautiful, they are so fucking uninteresting in personality. And by the way, not that beautiful. If I had to list my top ten most attractive people in the world I think maybe only half of them with be celebrities, or people widely known or whatever you want to call them. But I may be bias. I tend to have a higher physical regarding of girls when they have great personalities. Let me blow my own dick for a second – how I wish that sentence was meant on more than just a metaphorical level. I like that quality about myself perhaps more than any other quality I have, which I admit there aren’t that many good ones to choose from (your inability to give yourself any credit) that will lead to the death of me. I once liked this girl a lot in high school and I thought she was great looking and it was only later in life when I discovered I didn’t really like her personality that I discovered she wasn’t that great looking. This also happened to an extent with Angela but different circumstances so it’s confusing. Before I knew her personality that great I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in person (a statement that holds up…almost). But the first time I saw her after she had allegedly called me a creep she didn’t look that great. Not even in the top 25 of best looking girls I’ve seen in person. I can only believe that it was all psychological based, which in a way is good. I’ll try to delve into this deeper someday, but until then back to why I think people shouldn’t regret drunkenly sleeping with an ugly person.

Both parties assumedly had fun. At the time of intercourse the hotter person probably wasn’t thinking, ‘oh my God, I’m so going to regret this tomorrow.’ And even if they were, so fucking what. People only do something they regret when at the moment they’re getting a good benefit out of it. The ugly person (let this person be a girl for this scenario to benefit the upcoming joke) get’s to be with an attractive person for the night, and the guy gets to cum on her tits, because she probably has low self esteem and will allow it and also that way she doesn’t get pregnant and then they really have something to regret. But seriously, hot people need to stop regretting sex with an ugly person. There are millions of us out there who suffer from virginity and would kill for sex with an ugly person, and many of us would make do with a goat. That’s gotta be why so many of these farmers are fucking livestock? You can’t tell me if they were going home with the cow at the bar they wouldn’t be fucking the cow in the barn.

Back to whatever the hell I was talking about: So anyway Nathan gets this girls number and he texts her on Saturday and she’s hanging with some friends at a bar and we decided to go because Nathan can get some action and I assumed ‘some friends’ meant lots of hot, slutty girls, willing to get down with a poor Jewish fellow from the inner city (you’re not Jewish) my giant nose tells otherwise. So we get to the apparently hipster bar and the cute chick Nathan got the number from isn’t so cute, and ‘some friends’ meant really drunk, gayer than gay guys, but not altogether terrible looking – If I was really drunk and anywhere close to gay I might have been swayed. One of the gay guys was somewhat compelling and gave Nathan way more attention then the drunk chick who gave him his number, and also forgot his name. And also one of the gay guys told me I’d have a great time if I came downtown with him. I don’t want to know what he meant, or why the next day I woke up in an ally feeling like my anus gave birth to a watermelon. So after a while it was assumed nothing would be made of the night and we called it quits and I explained to him how he can do way better anyway when in reality that was the closest he’ll ever get to a woman’s vagina again.

I’m kidding. He’d actually make a pretty decent Gynecologist in Romania if they ever go under communist regime again. Keep your fingers crossed Nathan

….

A link to the second part of me telling Chris about the girl I met at a bar, and also Chris talks about old man Chris seeing his penis.

#99: Existentialism On Prom Night by Straylight Run

I almost took this song off the list because despite reading the entire Portable Nietzsche I still have no idea what Existentialism is – or how Friedrich Nietzsche ate sandwiches with that huge mustache in the way – and I didn’t attend any Proms (you know you can talk about other things then just those mentioned in the song title) oh what a fantasy land you live in old chum. But mostly I almost took the song off the list because this is my least favorite song on the list (then why wasn’t it at 101, or better yet not on the list at all?) I’m sure no one is wondering that, but I’ll answer it anyway. It holds more emotional relevance then the song at number 100 and I wanted to start the list off with a good song, although turns out nobody likes it but me, so that’s why I went with The Writhing South by Say Anything at 101.

If you didn’t know, Straylight Run’s lead singer is John Nolan, former co-singer on Taking Back Sunday’s first album Tell All Your Friends, which I maintain is by far the best Taking Back Sunday album, and also he’s really good friends with Jesse Lacey, lead singer of my current second favorite band Brand New. In fact they were such good friends that Jesse Lacey let his former girlfriend sleep with John Nolan and she didn’t even have to ask for Jesse’s permission because she knew it would be okay (I think that’s called cheating) Oh.

What’s great about this is that they were both in band’s so Jesse wrote a song about it on Brand New’s first album, Your Favorite Weapon, which is one of my favorite albums ever and a few songs from it our featured on this list, unfortunately the song I’m speaking of now, Seventy Times Seven isn’t on this list even though it should be. – of course for all you bible people out there Seventy Times Seven is how many Sons God told Abraham he had to sacrifice for him (wrong, Seventy Times Seven is the number of times Jesus told Peter to forgive his brother for his sins) had it been God he would have told Peter to Gouge his brother’s eyes out 490 times.

In reaction to Seventy Times Seven John Nolan wrote the song There’s No ‘I’ In Team on the album Tell All Your Friends. Okay, first of all I can forgive John Nolan for sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, but what I can’t forgive is giving a song with such emotional connection to his life a cliché title like that. My only choice is to believe that Adam Lazzara came up with the title. Seventy Times Seven is seventy times seven times better than There’s No ‘I’ In Team (what a complete mess of a sentence). Also let’s look at the contrast in lyrics. There’s No ‘I’ In Team features lyrics such as this:

“I’ve got this $20 bill that says you’re up late night starting fist fights vs. the fences in your back yard,  you’re wearing your black eye like a badge of honor, soaking in sympathy of friends who never loved you nearly half as much as I do.”

While Seventy Times Seven features lyrics that maybe show that the title of the song is more than just a little ironic:

“So is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with. Cause I’ve seen more spine on jellyfish, and I’ve seen more guts on 11 year old kids. So have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there’s ice on all the roads. And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt, and again when your head goes through the windshield”

Whoa, that’s exactly the kind of over reacting aggression I like to hear in ‘my girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend’ songs. It’s reminiscent of one of my favorite lines of all time featured on another Brand New song on that album, but you won’t get to find out what line I’m talking about until way later in the countdown.

Another thing I like about the little mishap between Jesse and John is that, and maybe this is just lore, the last words Jesse said to John over the phone when discussing the situation were, “You’re as subtle as a brick on the small of my back, so let’s end this call and end this conversation,” in terms of last words spoken to a person those are really good. Just looking at them like that they don’t look that great, but you can’t think about movies and tv shows where writers spend weeks figuring out what the characters should say. In real life nothing ever comes out that good. Had I tried what Jesse did, and let’s all hope one day I get that chance, it would have came out more like, “You’re as subtle as…oh crap, what do they call those things? You’re like one of those things they make chimneys out of on my back small. And you and all your little piggies can’t blow down my house, because it’s made of sticks and stones, and they may break my bones, but words don’t hurt, but you sleeping with my girlfriend did. Uncool man, totally uncool. So let’s stop this conversation. Hang up the phone. No, no, wait, I’ll hang up. I wouldn’t want you to break a nail. I’ll break your nails when I punch you in the face. Except I won’t because I never want to see you again. Good day, sir. I said good day, sir! But could you return my Cursive CD when you’re done with it. Just leave it in the mail box or something. K, thanks.”