This is what I think about/ (the slash was supposed to be a question mark)
I miss her so much. It’s been about a month. Minutes feel like hours, hours feel like days, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months, and a month feels like suicide wouldn’t be that bad. Hyperbole of course, or at least I think or hope, but let us get serious for one moment if God wills.
I feel I have a good defensive strategy in case the situation arises where I might be raped, more specifically anally raped (probably didn’t need to specify). Because I am a male, and a mildly unattractive one at that, I do believe I am not at a great risk of being raped. But I must stay true to the Boy Scout motto, ‘please don’t fuck me in the ass,’ (it’s actually ‘be prepared’) that makes more sense. I must be prepared to not let anybody fuck me in the ass. I would like greatly to make it through life without anything penetrating my anus, and that is why I devised this plan in case the situation arises where my butthole faces great peril.
So let’s say I’m walking home at night all by my lonesome when all of the sudden a man jumps out of the bushes, wait no, he jumps out from behind a dumpster, and he pulls a knife out. So at this point I’m probably thinking I’m just getting robbed. So I say, “I don’t want no trouble man, here’s my wallet.” Sucker, I don’t have any money it in, just a bunch of credit cards, and I don’t even know how those work. But then he says, “I don’t want your money fool, I want to rape your ass, literally.” So now I’m thinking oh fuck I’m screwed, literally, but at that moment I don’t think the literally part, that was an afterthought. Lucky for me I have a plan that will protect my anus better than the Alamo protected the Jews (you don’t know much about history, do you?) I in fact have no idea what the Alamo or Jews are.
So the guy is holding a knife to me and wants to rape me, so what do I do? I pull my pants down. I know what you’re thinking: the sight of my penis will scare away the man just assuredly as it will scare away all women who may see it in the future. But no. After pulling down my pants I say to the man, “go ahead, I want you to do me.” Hopefully now you’re confused and aren’t thinking ‘Quentin seems like the kind of guy who would like to take it up the ass from a stranger.’ Because I wouldn’t like to take it up the ass from a stranger, nor a good acquaintance, but rather by telling the man I want him to do me I am accomplishing my goal and one of two things will happen. While raping involves sex, I think for most rapists – although I must admit I don’t know many – aren’t raping because they want sex necessarily, but because they want to take advantage of someone and be in control of the situation and hurt the person. So by telling the potential rapist that I would welcome sex I am taking all those things he might want to do away from him. So he may turn away, disappointed that he found someone who wanted sex instead of someone who he could victimize. Genius, I know. But what if he still wants to do things to my butt?
If the man is not disheartened by my seemingly allowance of him being able to do stuff to my butt then I have still accomplished one thing, and that is that I have shown him I am not hostel or a potential threat to him. He’ll most definitely let his guard down thinking he’s hit the jackpot and found some free homosexual action. But of course I’m not going to let this guy have sex with me… probably. As soon as he starts to take his pants off thinking he’s going to get some, or rather give me some, I’ll either run – not taking the time to pull my pants back up – or I’ll lunge at him dealing numerous blows to his penis – wow that sentence sounded gayer than I wanted it to. So see, I’ve develop the perfect way to keep myself from getting raped, in theory at least. I’ll of course have to practice it in real life situations before I get my brilliant defensive rape strategy down pat. Sure while practicing I may occasionally get raped but it will all be worth it once I really get into a situation when I might get raped and will then probably avoid it because of my numerous practicing (doesn’t the potential of getting raped while practicing to not get raped defeat the purpose) probably?
Nothing like writing about an outlandish topic to help ease my loneliness for her if only for an hour.
A Day In The Life Of Salvador Dali
Who the fuck is Salvador Dali!
So I got out of my History class today and started my walk home. But first I had to stop off at the corner store to pick up a small bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and some Trident gum because I was running low on it and I like to have something to do with my mouth during class. I probably have some kind of oral fixation because I was breast fed for too long. Or is seven years not that long? So I step out of the store and begin my walk home, and that’s when I start to smell smoke. So the first thing I do is turn around to see if there’s anything burning behind me. There was nothing. So I turn back around and start walking, and right ahead of me I can see a big plume of smoke. I don’t know why I didn’t think to look in front of me instead of looking behind me first? Perhaps because I’m an idiot? Who knows? I can tell that the smoke is coming from a spot that appears to be dangerously close to where my house is located. The first thing I thought was that the old folks home nearby must have caught on fire. Good, I was thinking. Those old folks always give me weird looks when I walk by them on my way to and from school. It’s like they’re offended that I’m flipping them off. My next thought was wondering if it could possibly be my house. I figure if it was at least my little sister was at school – this is ironically funny, but not now unless you live in my area and already know what happened or have already skipped ahead and know that the place that caught on fire was my old elementary school, which is my little sister’s current elementary school… oh crap, did I give away the ending?
So yeah, my old elementary school that is really close to my house, and where I spent six years of my life (?) caught on fire the other day – technically it caught on fire today but I’m assuming you’re not reading this until at least tomorrow. Well my little sister is doing okay, besides her none stop crying which is getting really annoying by the way. I’m kidding. Actually, while there were a lot of kids crying about it – I know because I went to the local library to pick up my sister and all the other kids were there as well, many of which as I previously stated were crying – my little sister didn’t seem to be effected at all, and was maybe even in good spirits. Perhaps she burned down the school? But let’s not be ridiculous, the whole building didn’t burn down, just one third of it.
I have many great memories from that school, whose name I can’t remember, which seems odd because it was plastered all over the news for the last three hours. And I’m sure I would tell you all about those great memories if I could remember any of them. But maybe I can. So in honor of my school catching on fire I will over the next few days (hopefully) share a couple of my favorite memories that took place at Marysville elementary School.
Today I will talk about one of my favorite memories I have of Marysville. I remember it not like it took place yesterday, but like it took place in the third grade, which is weird because it actually took place today. The memory I am of course talking about is the burning down of Marysville. Boy was that exciting. Not exciting in a good way, but in an exciting way. In a lot of ways the school burning down was bad. But in one way it was good. You see today I had planned to go to the library and find a book I could do I report on for my History Class. But since Marysville caught on fire all the kids had to evacuate, and the place they evacuated to was the library, the same exact library I had planned on going to. But luckily the school caught on fire so I didn’t go to the library, so I wouldn’t have been turned away once I noticed all the kids had been evacuated there (yeah, but if the school didn’t catch on fire the kids wouldn’t have had to be evacuated there, dumbass) whoa, this is getting confusing, it’s like Schrödinger’s cat. (no, it’s pretty simple, the school caught on fire so you didn’t go to the library, had the school not caught on fire you would have went to the library but the kids wouldn’t have been there so everything would have been fine, there’s no paradox here) oh, well quit embarrassing me in front of my friends (They’re not you’re friends, and you’re the one embarrassing yourself.) They are too my friends (no they are not, and Salvador Dali is a surrealist painter you dullard) wow, you’ve gotten mean recently.
crappy dialogue exercise for my community college class
“I hate pissing at a urinal,” Tom said as he unzipped his pants.
“Really,” Larry said while standing at the urinal next to Tom. “I find it spectacularly exciting compared to the mundane experience of peeing at home.”
“They’re too high. I almost have to aim up just to make it in the hole.”
“I would guess they’re made with the average man’s height in mind.”
“They should be lower. You tall bastards have to aim down when you’re pissing anyway. What’s a few more inches going to do?”
“You could always pee in the little kid’s urinal.” Larry nodded his head towards the urinal to his left.
“I’m not pissing in no urinal for some kid. I’m a man damn it. And I’ll piss in a man’s urinal.”
“Of course you are.”
“Did you just sneak a peak?” Tom said.
“What?”
“Did you just check out my junk?
“No,” Larry said confused.
“You just looked at me.”
“I was making eye contact. I was trying to be polite. When you’re having a conversation it’s polite to make eye contact. It shows the person talking that you’re listening.”
“That’s all fine and dandy in the real world but this is the bathroom.”
“The bathroom isn’t the real world?”
“No,” Tom said, “the bathroom has different rules than the rest of the world. No eye contact. None. Never.”
“Okay,” Larry said as he made a broad display while averting his eyes to the ceiling.
“It’s not fair you know?”
“What’s not fair?”
“This separator thing that separates the urinals,” Tom said.
“The Partition,” Larry said still staring at the ceiling.
“Whatever,” Tom said. “You’re tall so you can see over it. I’m short so I can’t.”
“Why would I want to look over it?”
“Maybe you’re insecure?”
“Maybe,” Larry said. “Probably not, but maybe?”
“Well I’m not insecure. I’m very secure. My skin is a security blanket. It keeps me secure. I’ve got nothing to feel insecure about.”
“I never said you did.”
“You implied it with your tone.”
“What tone? I didn’t use any specific tone.”
“You had a tone.” Tom zipped up his pants. “My ear is like a tuning fork. You can’t hide your tone from me.” Tom walked away from the urinal trying to sneak a peak at Larry as he passed by.
“You didn’t flush,” Larry said.
“Germs!” Tom said as he walked out the door exiting the bathroom.
Quite Possibly My Biggest Failure Ever?
Well I’ve done it, I’ve completed my mission and gone eighteen days without masturbating (the goal was to go the rest of the year without masturbating) oh, well I definitely failed at that.
That’s right people, to quote the great show Seinfeld, “I am no longer master of my domain.” My streak of days without masturbating actually ended some time ago, I think about just over two weeks ago, on my nineteenth day without masturbating. So while I did fail in trying to make it to the end of the year without masturbating, I also succeeded in breaking my old record of seventeen days. I think it’s about time I tell you how, and why I failed at my challenge, and why it’s taken me so long to tell you (because of course the people must be dying to know).
Well I actually meant to announce my failure to the world the day after it happened, but I found it hard to write about. And also I was too busy masturbating over and over again. But a day or two after I failed I wrote a very small first paragraph, the same paragraph that appears here first, but as I continued it was hard for me to word things the way I wanted to. So I stopped writing about it but revisited it a week later and finished it right before I had to leave for school. So I saved the word document, masturbated, turned off my computer, went to school, masturbated, came home from school, masturbated, masturbated, ate a sandwich with lots of mayonnaise, turned on my computer, masturbated, and opened the word document that contained what I had written about my failure of my challenge, and wouldn’t you God damn know it the document was blank, not a God damn word written on it. I don’t know what happened. I assume I fucked up somehow while saving it. But either way I had to rewrite it, and it wasn’t until now, about two weeks after my great failure, that I decided to write about it again.
Let us get one thing clear. I did not fail because I absolutely had to masturbate. I failed because I was going to die if I had waited one more second before masturbating. No, but really, I think I could have went at least two more weeks without masturbating had I really wanted to. Part of the problem was I couldn’t envision myself going the whole rest of the year without doing it, and that was the goal. It wasn’t to make it to the middle of October without masturbating. If I couldn’t make it the whole year, which I was sure I couldn’t, I needed to cut and run and save myself the prolonged agony of not pleasuring myself. And on the day when I decided to quit I had realized that I had already broken my previous streak without jerking it so it seemed like the ideal time to quit if I was going to quit, which of course I did. So that was one of the reasons I failed.
Another reason was the fear of the dreaded wet-dream. According to my memory I’ve only had one wet-dream in my life. This is most likely due to the fact that I started masturbating pretty young, ten, so I didn’t give myself much time to have wet-dreams. I had taken to manually cleaning out my pipes on a regular basis. My one remembered wet-dream didn’t happen during my stint of seventeen days without masturbating. It occurred a few years before that while I was in high school, and my only guess is that it took place during the football season, because often times I would be too lazy to masturbate after a long day of school and then exhausting football practice, so it wasn’t uncommon if I went three or four days without masturbating. I know that doesn’t seem like much to common folk, but for me that converts into what it would be like if a normal person went three or four months without masturbating. So I awoke one night, and I remember it wasn’t from a particularly pleasant dream, and my boxers felt sticky, and it was just a total mess and completely uncomfortable and I’m not even going to go into details about it because it’s too painful to recall. So I really did not want to have another experience like that.
I had had talks with two friends, one the day before I failed – this talk had no effect on my deciding to quit – the other the day of my failure – this one had a little more effect on my deciding to quit, and wouldn’t you know it the talk was with someone of the female race. The reason I bring up my conversation with these two people is because I found them remarkably funny. First of all these two people have been two of the more adamant people in the past about telling me I masturbate too much. But now they were calling me stupid for trying not to masturbate for the rest of the year. Make up your mind people. And then they started telling me that I needed to masturbate because it helps prevent prostate cancer. When they told me this I couldn’t stop laughing. I’m still laughing to this day. And the reason I’m laughing hysterically is because when they told me that I was masturbating too much I had told them that masturbating helps prevent prostate cancer. And they laughed, apparently not believing me. And then of course a few short months later when this fact I had shared with them was actually in favor of their argument they use it against me. It’s funny the different reactions I had with each of them though. I mean with both of them I laughed, but also with the guy I wanted to tell him to fuck off because I was the one who had first gave him the information about masturbation and prostate cancer and he appeared not to care when I told him then. And with the girl I wanted to say “hey, let’s shut up about masturbating and prostate cancer, and why don’t you hop on the next plane over here so we can make some sweet love.”
So yeah, those are mostly the reasons why I failed my challenged and started masturbating again. But now everything is back to normal. Everything is going smooth between my penis and hand and I don’t see them breaking up anytime soon. That is unless any girl would like to come over here and satiates my manly needs for me? No? No one? Not a single girl on this planet? I’m willing to take a fat chick? Hell I’ll go with an obese girl at this point? Still no? Fine, what about a man? (Now you’ve gone too far) It’s all in the spirit of laughter. But seriously, it does look like it’s just going to be me and my hand for quite awhile.
The Jerk Report: I Wonder If Andy Samberg Where’s A Thong?
Girl who sat in front of me during the History test – I had a History test the other day in my, ironically, History Class. I sat down in the back corner of the class, which is my favorite place to sit because I can see the whole room which I like to be able to do otherwise I get a little uncomfortable, perhaps this has something to do with OCD but whatever. So as I sit down it’s impossible not to notice that the girl sitting directly in front of me’s thong is showing, and I don’t mean barely showing where I have to strain my eyes to see it, I mean showing like Clay Aiken’s gayness was showing. Just like we all knew Clay Aiken was gay, I could plainly see that this girl was wearing a thong, and I could also see about two square feet of ass on the girl. I don’t know how she didn’t notice her ass was hanging out of her pants, you’d think she would have felt a breeze. But anyway you may be wondering way I’m complaining about her thong showing. Well for one I’m not a particularly huge fan of the thong. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the female posterior as much as the next guy, but thongs, and especially seeing asscracks, do not get my gears going. Whenever I see a girl in a thong all I can think about is how uncomfortable it looks. It looked especially uncomfortable on the girl sitting in front of me. It looked like the sole purpose of this thong’s life was to burrow its way as far as it could up this girl’s asscrack. Whenever I looked at it, which I assure you wasn’t much, my chief concern was that the thong string might break into the skin, and then we’d have ourselves a good old fashion mess on our hands. Also I didn’t enjoy the viewing of the thong because while the girl wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t super attractive either. But most of all I didn’t enjoy it because I was taking a test that day, and it acted as a distraction. Throughout the test thoughts of the thong would pop into my head. I’m sitting there trying to focus on the Salem Witch Trials and all of the sudden I start wondering if Sarah Good wore a thong (those of you who have read the Crucible might enjoy that joke). And also I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy who invented the chair, and I say guy because I know it must have been a guy. I mean there’s the seat of the chair that you sit on, and then there’s the back to the chair so you don’t accidentally lean back and fall, and then, for some reason I haven’t yet found, there’s a open space between the back of the chair and the seat of there chair. A space coincidentally placed perfectly so you can see when a girl’s thong is showing. The guy who invented the chair must have noticed that when he saw girls sitting on rocks and things occasionally their underpants would show, which must have been an extreme turn-on back in the day. So he had this great idea for this thing that would have four legs, a seat, and then a back, and you could sit somewhat comfortably on it, but the only problem was how would you be able to see the girl’s underpants when they sat down? Well easy, he decided to just place an open spot between the seat and the back of the chair so you’d be able to see girl’s underpants when they sat down. And apparently no one questioned him on it. And even if they did I’m sure he just told them it saved material. Well I’m sure that man is the idol of billions of boys throughout history, because I can not begin to tell you how many thongs have been viewable solely because of the open space on the back of chairs. Well that may be enjoyable to some people, but not to me. I can’t enjoy it, my mind just starts flooding with all these weird thoughts that I can’t block out. Like who was the first male to put on a thong? Surely it must have been a gay man? But anyway, girl who sat in front of me during the History Class test, and I’m going to throw in the guy who invented the chair, specifically the open space between the seat and the back, you’re both Jerks!
Creep of the Week
Andy Samberg – First of all this is long over due for Mr. Samberg. Ever since he’s joined SNL, aka Silly Night of Laughs (that’s not what it stands for), it should be, Samberg has produced one Jerk move after the next. First of all he is not good in any of the skits he’s in. Andy Samberg has less talent in his whole body than Keenan Thompson has in his ass. Granted that’s a bulbous caboose Thompson is lugging around – I don’t really like to make fun of people for their weight, but Keenan Thompson is making a lot of money, and I did say he was more talented than Andy Samberg, although that’s not really a complement. Also that whole Dick in a Box video with Justin Timberlake is not as great as everybody thinks it is. It was okay, and it was intriguing and interesting because it was unique, but it annoys the fuck out of me to think about how many innocent girls across America saw that video and confuse it with funny and now would like to sleep with Andy, or at least blow him. Please people can we hold our comedy standards a bit higher? That On a Boat song he did was the worst piece of shit I had ever seen in my life, or so I thought, until I watched SNL last Saturday and saw his newest video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whwFlTrqWZ0. That was perhaps the least enjoyable few minutes of my life. Nothing was funny lyrically, nothing was funny in the video, it was a total mess. The only semblance of good in the video was Elijah Wood and Bobby Moynihan, who is my favorite of the new cast members on SNL, besides the oddly attractive Abby Elliot, and I say oddly because she’s the daughter of Chris Elliot who isn’t anything near good looking, so I’m thinking she didn’t come from his seed by rather that of the milkman. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to hate on Andy Samberg. I actually admire him very much. I’m even jealous of him. Do you know what I’d give if I could be as unfunny as him but be able to get laid as much as him? Nothing, because I’m already less funny than him and I don’t even really care about getting laid that much. I just really don’t want anybody to call Andy Samberg a comic genius. He does stupid humor. He sinks to the lowest of lows for comedy, that being penis humor, I mean a dick in a box? Come on! (All you do is penis humor) but my penis humor is tasteful (I’m so glad you didn’t leave out the word humor) oops, I actually meant to leave it out. Anyway, Andy Samberg, you’re a JERK!
This Will Probably Be Considered My Most Racist Post Ever, But I Assure You There Have Been, And Will Be, Worst
Okay, so I may be starting this one out a bit controversial, but please before you get your panties in a bunch hear me out – especially you Chris. The Jewish people have been hated throughout time, is there a point where we have to start thinking that maybe as a whole they’re doing something wrong? I’m not saying they are doing anything wrong, I’m just throwing out an innocent question. I don’t hate Jewish people. I don’t hate any people based on their ethnicity; I hate them for who they are individually; it may just so happen, and it’s completely coincidental, that I hate individuals of certain races more than others, but it’s by no means because of their race, although on second thought it might not help that some cultures raise their young with certain cultural qualities that I don’t find appealing, such as the enforcement of religions. But again I’m not going to prejudge a person from Utah just because a bunch of people who hail from there happen to be Mormons and I find the Mormon religion to be particularly crazy. And you better believe I’m going out on a limb calling the Mormons crazy, because while they are and we are know it, they could have me killed at any time. Luckily I’m of no importance and me disapproving of their religion actually gives them more credibility. But it’s scary to think that Mormonism is the second fastest growing religion in the United States. Behind guess what? Islam. I actually don’t know what religion I find worst. When you look at the Islamic nations the women don’t seem to be held in equal esteem with men. But Mormons are crazy as fuck. But wasn’t I talking about the Jews (Jewish people would be more appropriate) if I wanted to be appropriated I probably wouldn’t have started writing on this topic.
Like I said I don’t hate the Jewish community. I personally don’t know a Jew that I hate, although I don’t even know if I personally know any Jews. Sure I can think of a lot of famous Jewish folk I don’t care for, but I can also think of a lot of famous Jews that I really like, and even admire. I’m just saying that throughout time the Jewish folk haven’t been mixing well with others – the way I just said that makes it sound like I’m saying Jews shouldn’t breed with other races, but I just mean they haven’t got along well with certain people. For example legend is told that the Jews may have been responsible for the death of Jesus H. Christ, the most beloved figure in the history of time ironically behind Mickey Mouse (how is that ironic?) because Mickey Mouse was created by Walt Disney, one of the most notable anti-Semites (yeah I know that, but if Jesus, who people loved, died because of the Jewish people and therefore people hated the Jewish people because of that wouldn’t they like Mickey Mouse because of the fact that he was created by a person who hated Jewish people just like them, making it not ironic?) I have no idea what any of that means, which means it must be right. But anyway, we are all of course aware of the Jewish people’s trouble in the Middle East. And then of course there was that whole thing with Hitler. I’m not really sure how that turned out. And now the current negative stereotype attributed to Jews that make them a tad bit unlikable to many is that they’re extremely frugal with their money, to the point of greed some would say. Not me, I say nothing. I form no opinions.
Now just a tiny tangent, and I do guarantee it will be tiny, and that’s also a promise I’m willing to make to any girl reading this. The Democrats have no trouble constantly calling Republicans greedy, yet I don’t really hear them calling out the Jewish folk for not tossing around their money a little more leniently and helping out the world. Not that I’m implying they don’t. Perhaps it’s because it’s not sociably acceptable to call out races on their negative stereotypes? Or perhaps it’s because most Jews are Republicans anyway so the Democrats are already killing two birds with one stone by calling the Republicans greedy. I’m just saying we should be able to call out races on their downfalls. Not that I’m saying the Jews are greedy. But if they were I’d like it to be okay for us as a society to call them out and say stop being so greedy. Not that I’m saying they’re not already too greedy. I’d like to continue to claim that I hold no position on Jewish people and greediness. I’m just trying to say that the reason the Democrats can call Republicans greedy, assholes with no benevolence, and Republicans can call Democrats half a fag, pussy, communists is because it’s in the spirit of making both parties better and working towards a better America. So I’m saying if we could call out races for their cultural downfalls and encourage them to strive to be better, than America could be better as well.
But anyway, the whole point of the blog was not to bash on the Jews, which I’m not doing, I’m just bringing about questions that I have no particular siding to, but I really just wanted to bring up Hitler and America. Hitler started a war to eliminate the Jews because he thought they were bad for Germany, and I guess the world too. I don’t know if you can fault him for that, because we, Americans, along with some others countries helping out, are currently waging a war against Terrorists. I know it sounds extremely racist to compare the two, and it is, but hear me out. Hitler thought he was killing people who were bad for the world, i.e. the Jews. America thinks they are killing people who are bad for the world, i.e. Terrorists. If we strip away the connotations behind the words Jews and Terrorists then Hitler and America are essential the same. At this point I imagine there are plenty of people in the south who are ready to kill me. Frankly I’m not worried about that because nobody in the south is reading this, even if they knew how to. But let me continue. The big difference between America and Hitler comes when you add the meaning to the word Jews and Terrorists. Then it becomes evident that Hitler was clearly in the wrong in trying to eliminate the Jews, and while America is much more apt in wanting to eliminate Terrorists, their way of going about doing it is highly questionable. Not to mention the question of whether the war really is about terrorism, or more for oil? Or perhaps Mr. Bush just wanted to ingrain his place in history; as the world’s stupidest World leader, and there have been some pretty stupid ones. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that was it really wrong that Hitler was trying to eliminate a certain group of people? Or was he just wrong in the choice of people he went about trying to eliminate? Because in a way it was very admirable what Hitler did (uh oh, I don’t like where this is going) hold you britches, it’ll be fine. Hitler saw a problem in the world and he went about fixing it. Just like in the 40s America saw a problem with the Nazis and they went about fixing it. They should both be held in esteem for seeing problems in the world and trying to fix them. Granted we should knock down Hitler a few pegs (just a few?) okay, a few thousand pegs because he went about eliminating a problem that probably wasn’t a problem, but he didn’t know that, and we’ve got to admire his tenacity. (No we don’t) yeah, that makes more sense.
So what have we learned? The Jewish folk may or may not be greedy and might be doing something wrong because people have tended not to like them throughout history, I don’t know, I have no opinion on the matter. Hitler and America may or may not be the same? People in the South hate me and I in no way think they’re dumber than the rest of America, except that they do tend to be more religious, so yeah in that aspect I guess I think they’re dumb. Mickey Mouse and Jesus were both created by anti-Semites. Yes I’m calling God an anti-Semite. Mormons are crazy as fuck and they must be stopped before they team up with Scientologists and take over the world, nay, the universe. And as always, while Abraham Lincoln did help make major strides in abating racism in this country he was indeed himself a racist and we should hate him for it.
On Pets and My Pets
This morning while laying in bed I heard my cat puke. This is not an unusual sound in my household. You see my cat Kilala – who my brother and sister apparently named after some fox-like character in some anime show, they named my other cat Cloud after the main character in the Final Fantasy 7 game, and please don’t get me started on how my brother and sister got to give these cats ridiculous names when I was the one who had to keep these cats in my room when they were kittens and wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and bottle feed them (they didn’t have a mother to feed them) and wipe their asses with a wet clothe because if you don’t they won’t be able to poop and they’ll die, and now when they’re older I have to keep their food in my room away from the other cats so whenever they’re hungry, or even just want to fuck with me, they scratch on my bedroom door nonstop, and of course the prime time they choose to do that is while I’m sleeping, and apparently my mother expects me to take the cats with me when I move out, well I got news for her, the cats will be long gone by the time I move out, no I’m not saying I’m going to kill them, I’m saying I’m not moving out for an extremely long period of time, like 70 years or something, but anyway – is bulimic. You’ve probably forgot what I was talking about. My cat pukes a lot and I’m assuming she’s bulimic because she pukes a lot after meals. It’s nothing to worry about, I assume. But this morning I heard her puke and when I got up to look for the puke and clean it up I couldn’t find it. So I keep looking around and wouldn’t you know it she somehow managed to puke directly into my shoe. I don’t know if that just happened to be where she was when she had to puke, or if she’s evil and did it purposely, but either way there is puke in my shoes, the left shoe that belongs to the pair of shoes that I wear most. And I do mean she puked into my shoe. The outside of the show is spotless. The inside is filled with undigested kitty food.
I realize why kids want pets, because they’re dumb, but why do adults want pets? Perhaps loneliness? If that’s the reason then those people must get dogs. I’m convinced dogs are the only animals who will give you their full attention 100% of the time. When you come home from work, or school, or wherever, a dog will be right there to greet you. Cat’s will too – if they’re not sleeping. My cats always come running to me when I get home from someplace, and by someplace I mean the strip club – that’s a joke I actually hate strip clubs because they depress me. But the difference between cats and dogs is that dogs, while they don’t really love you, want your attention and just like it feels good when a girl or boy wants your attention it feels good when your dog wants your attention. With a cat they don’t really want your attention, they just want you to feed them, then scratch their neck and behind their ears and then leave them the fuck alone so they can sleep for eight hours and then wake up and annoy you until you feed them again and then sleep again for eight hours. But then again some people don’t mind that. The sole reason they get a pet is because they have no one and they need to feel needed. If these people would just get addicted to television or masturbation then we could just go back to the olden days and have millions and millions of stray cats and dogs roaming the streets like they’re supposed to. I love coming across stray cats and dogs. I mean sure it’s depressing in a way because they don’t have a home, but it makes me feel like I’m in the wilderness, and at any moment they could attack me, which is why I always attack them first.
So why do couples get pets? Well I have a theory that one of the members in the relationship, most likely the woman, will toss out the idea of getting a pet because they want to see if the other member of the relationship, most likely the man, is responsible and will be able to take care of a child one day. (Prepare for bad racist joke.) This experiment doesn’t work well in Asia because often times the woman will bring home a dog and the man thinks he is supposed to cook it for dinner. I have a lot of Asian friends so I can say jokes like that (having Asian friends doesn’t permit you to be racist) well nothing permits you to be racist, but still some people need to be racist to make other people not look racist, even though they really are. And it wasn’t racist, it was a joke, and jokes can’t be racist. Or can they? If they can then I may have said a lot of racist things in my life.
This Could Come Off As Creepy I suppose
An hour seems like a suitable amount of time to lie in bed thinking myself into depression before I decide to get up, flip the calendar to October, stare at hundreds of King Penguins on Antarctica, and then sit down in front of my computer screen to write down this miserable opening line that I very much enjoy.
There is this girl in one of my community college classes that I am very much obsessed with. Not in the way that I would like to have sex with her, or go out with her, or anything like that, but in a way that I will come to describe. She is a Russian girl and she has a very pretty Russian name that I will not write to spare her identity, but not really. Really I will not write it because I do not know how to spell it. But on further examination I have decided that even if I did know how to spell it, which I could easily find out, I would still not write it. But enough about her name, it is of no importance at all. She is very attractive. I would not hesitate one moment to say the prettiest girl in all of my classes this term, but you should know that my History class is so very, very ugly, the guys more so than the girls. But enough about her attractiveness, it is not what matters. If she were a heifer I’d still be just as obsessed. But why am I obsessed? I will get to the point. (When?) now. I am thoroughly convinced that she is the most enjoyable person in the entire world.
I’m not a believer of spirituality and energy and the like, I’m not a huge disbeliever, I’m like one of those annoying people who say they don’t believe we can ever know if God really exists, only instead of God insert spirituality and energy for me, but I am almost certain that this most enjoyable Russian girl has happiness energy rays exuding from her every pore. From the first second I saw her during her introductory presentation, which we all had to do, I pepped up. I don’t know what it was. She wasn’t terribly interesting. She’s even deeply religious, which usually annoys the hell out of me but with her I didn’t mind. She just had this extreme likability. When I got to talk to her for a bit a few days later my insane theory was only further backed up. I spent the whole time poking and prodding, trying to find something, anything, a chink in the armor that would tell me she wasn’t as happy and enjoyable as she appeared to be. But I found nothing. And it wasn’t annoying at all. I hate people. I should hate this person. She’s so happy and enjoyable. Shouldn’t that annoy the fuck out of me? It doesn’t. In fact it’s impossible for me to be angry or upset when around her or thinking about her. It’s like she has an invisible bubble around her that perverts any negativity within a twenty foot radius. She’s always smiling and laughing. Even when I brought up the Holocaust she was still smiling and laughing, which should have been creepy but it was still nothing but enjoyable.
I want to be her (now that’s creepy).
The Jerk Report: Ugh!
That thing where you know the name of someone but you can’t think of it at the time and then later at some random moment you remember the name – This happened to me last week when someone brought up the kid from Married with Children and I know his name but at the time I couldn’t think of it for the life of me but I kid you not, less than five minutes ago the name came to me, it’s David Faustino. That’s all I have to say about that. I just wanted to get it off my chest. That thing where you know the name of someone but you can’t think of it at the time and then later at some random moment you remember the name, you’re a Jerk!
Days where it’s sunny, but then rains, and is then sunny again – Listen God, cause I know you’re in charge of the weather, just pick one, either sunny or rainy and that will be it for the day. I’m tired of walking to school in seven layers of clothing protecting myself from the rain and then when I walk home it’s sunny as fuck and my multitude of clothes act as a sauna. And it works vice versa too. I’m tired of having to walk home in the rain when it was sunny in the morning and I walked to school wearing nothing but a tube top and my sexiest booty shorts. I just want the weather to be consistent throughout the day. If it’s going to rain it should rain the whole day. If it’s going to be sunny it should be sunny the whole day. If it’s going to hail, it should never hail. Under my new weather system hail does not exist. The point is that I just don’t want my weather to flip flop. If I wanted a flip flopper I would have voted for John Kerry – I actually would have voted for John Kerry if I was old enough, and I have nothing against him I just thought I should add some political humor here and I thought I could take a easy shot at John Kerry because I know a lot of Republicans read this. But anyway, Days where it’s sunny, but then rains, and is then sunny again, you’re a Jerk!!
Creep of the Week
Guy who sat in front of me in History class – So I was sitting in History class and halfway through we get a ten minute break and during that break the guy who sits in front of me went over to this girl a few seats away and started talking to her about another class they had together or something. So he leaves for a few moments and then comes back with two Scantron sheets in his hand that are used for tests. So he gives one to the girl and she’s like, ‘oh, thanks.’ And he plays it all coy saying, ‘they were only 10 cents so no big deal.’ But he lied! I know for a fact because I bought those same Scantron sheets the week before and they were 15 cents each, not 10 as he had stated. So unless they went on sale within the previous five days he’s a liar. And if he’s not lying and they did go on sale then I’m pissed because I got screwed out of 20 cents – I bought 4 of them. But anyway when the class started back up and the teacher started yapping I notice that the guy sitting in front of me kept looking over at the chick he bought the Scantron sheet for. At first I guess it was fairly innocent, only looking over every couple of minutes and only for a few seconds at a time. But then he went into an all out stare, staring for minutes at a time nonstop. But the worst thing about it was that he didn’t even seem like he was trying to hide that he was staring. I’m not indicting him for staring at the chick. That would be superb hypocrisy. I stare at chicks all the time. But I hide it, and I hide it damn well. But this guy sitting in front of me didn’t hide it at all. It was a disgrace to the entire male sex. Guy who sat in front of me in History class, you’re a JERK!
